This Month's Recap

Actress Meagan Good and Hollywood producer DeVon Franklin released a book this month about their vows of celibacy, and how they waited to have sex with each other until they were married. The book preaches a message about how abstaining from sex before marriage can strengthen a relationship, and how celibacy can be used as a tool to maintain a successful life. Their co-authored book is called "The Wait." Their second book is set to release in 5 years, titled, "The Divorce."

A writer for GayRVA, a gay-friendly site based out of Richmond, Virginia, discovered a Virginia Republican senator on Grindr. The senator was said to be 2 miles away, a dog lover, and ready for your cock. 

The University of Tennessee faces a federal lawsuit from six current and former female students. The lawsuit claims that the University helps create an atmosphere that promotes sexual assault by male student athletes, then turns a blind eye when assault cases are reported. When asked to comment, male athletes responded by grunting, spitting, and pointing at the female students they wanted to drag back to their caves. 

After using pepper spray on a man who was attempting to rape her, a 17-year-old Danish girl faces a 500 kroner ($72 US) fine for having and using pepper spray in self-defense. The attacker escaped the scene, and hasn't been charged, or found, and was said to be a transplant. Local police spokesperson Helle Lundberg said, "We do not know if he might be an asylum seeker. The girl has described him as English-speaking, that is all we know." One witness described the attacker as "bulky," and wearing a University of Tennessee jersey.  

We've Seen His Horns

The group of armed militia in rural Oregon who have been occupying a federal bird sanctuary to protest government land usage recently requested care packages online, but instead, have been receiving sex toys, and phallic-shaped candy. One militant, Jon Ritzheimer, said in a video of the group opening their packages, "It's really ridiculous. This one is really funny, it's a bag of dicks," with no trace of smile on his face. Coincidentally, this is also what the state of Oregon has been calling this group of militants.

Republican Kansas governor Sam Brownback announced that Kansas will be cutting Medicaid funding for all of the state's Planned Parenthoods. $61,000 Kansas Medicaid funds are used annually to reimburse Planned Parenthood clinics for health exams, cancer screenings, and birth control services for low-income people. The governor signed a similar law in 2011, and vowed to not let "a single dollar of taxpayer money" go to the organization through Medicaid. "The time has come to finish the job," said Brownback. He then rubbed his hands together, cackling as he became shrouded by darkness, sound-tracked by an organ playing "Hour of Reckoning." Gathering his cape, he clicked away on his tiny hooves, the gleam of his pitchfork providing the only light for his secretary to make more notes.

A federal investigation has uncovered that Grand Canyon trip leaders have been pressuring female co-workers for sex for up to the past 15 years. According to 19 women interviewed by the inspector general's office, men routinely have made lewd comments, touched their female colleagues inappropriately, and even withheld food when the women turned them down. Alcohol has been banned on these trips, due to the slew of sexual assault. The state of Arizona has since revoked their new license plate slogan: "The Grand Canyon- the last place on Earth that hasn't been marred by drunk, rapey douchebags."

Since the New Year's Eve sex attacks in Salzberg and Cologne, the number of gun permits have quadrupled in Germany and Austria. Body guards and pepper spray are also in high demand. Said police chief Garhard Purstl to the Krone newspaper, "Women should in general not go out on the streets at night alone, they should avoid suspicious-looking areas, and also when in pubs and clubs should only accept drinks from people they know." Purstl continued, "So, in short- they should pretend they live in America." 

A counselor at a juvenile detention center in Centralia, Washington was found guilty of sexual relations with one of the 18-year-old inmates. When questioned about their relationship, the counselor replied, "What else am I supposed to do in Centralia?"

Archivists at the Oregon Historical Society discovered a previously lost anti-pornography film from 1962 this week. The film, titled, "Pages of Death," chronicles a man who looks at smut at a local store so much that he ends up killing a woman in a fit of rage. Archivists discovered this film upon walking in on a janitor feverishly masturbating to it.  

Holiday Sex Recap

The Holidays are great for many reasons; moist turkey drumsticks, arguments with mom, checks from grandma. But the holidays are also a great time for sex, and for lawmakers and religious zealots to control and abuse it. Here are the most penetrating news stories from the holidays:

An 82-year-old Wisconsin woman called the police because she heard her neighbors moaning "ISIS is good, ISIS is great!" while having sex. Then the 82-year-old realized that she was just having a really, really great dream.  

194 lawmakers in Greece decided to approve same-sex civil partnership, though same-sex marriage is still not legally recognized. Said Greek Archbishop Leronymos about the Church's opposition to the law, "People of the [Orthodox] Church believe in a certain lifestyle. Anything outside this is a diversion." He continued, "The lifestyle includes quietly observing God, missionary sex, and waiting for sweet, sweet death."

Dutch parliament confirmed that it is perfectly legal for driving instructors to accept sexual favors as payment, as long as both parties are over the age of 18. Instructors also accept VISA, AmEx, wooden shoes, and a pound of hash. 

More former members of The Institute in Basic Life Principles, a Christian organization "established for introducing people to Jesus Christ," joined in on the multi-million dollar lawsuit against the organization for numerous counts of sexual abuse, assault, and misconduct. After Josh Duggar was found guilty of molesting his sisters, the Duggar family turned to their local IBLP chapter for guidance and support. This lead to TLC's newest hit reality show, "19 Counts of Molestation... And Counting." 

In His Defense, He Thought It Was Mountain Dew

55-year-old Chinese resident Hong Yang was arrested for bribing a customs officer with sex to let her and her adult daughter pass through JFK with undeclared goods. The complaint filed in court stated that Yang had written her name and number and passed it to the customs agent, then offering him $10,000 and a wristwatch if he had let them pass with their goods valuing at $160,000. Said a personal acquaintance  of Yang's back home in Beijing, "You should see what she used to offer at the PTA meetings."

An inmate at a women's prison in Oahu recently admitted to having sexual relationships with two correctional officers over the course of the fall. In addition to having an ongoing relationship with a female guard, the inmate had also performed oral sex on a male corrections offer in exchange for snacks and candy. When asked in an interview by the press, she shrugged and responded, "They were Reese's." 

According to a recent report by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, fewer than half of U.S. high schools and roughly 20 percent of middle schools educate students on all of the recommended sex ed topics. The most effective states were New York, New Jersey, and New Hampshire, with 75 percent teaching the recommended material, whereas Arizona came in last place, with only 1 in 5 schools teaching the recommended criteria. This explains why John McCain still can't find his penis.  

New York Catholic priest Peter Miqueli is being sued by his parishioners for stealing an estimated $1 million from the collection plate over the past twelve years to pay for sex from a male S&M master. Miqueli used the money to pay for illegal and prescription drugs, and sessions where his gay sex master- Keith Crist- would "force Father Miqueli to drink Keith Crist's urine." Miqueli responded in a New York Post interview, "Well I needed something to wash down those communion crackers."  

Hanes or Victoria's Secret?

Republican Presidential candidate Ted Cruz made a statement this week, saying that Democrats are manipulating the public into believing that Republicans are trying to limit women's birth control access. "Last I checked, we don't have a rubber shortage here in America. Look, when I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom, you put 50 cents in and voila." It was later confirmed that the machine Cruz was referring to was actually his main source of sexual interaction in college, that he affectionately named "Wanda."

After three teenage boys sexually assaulted a drunk, passed out girl in a treehouse at a house party in Washington, the three, now 18-year-old boys will not have to register themselves as sex offenders. They were sentenced to a year of community supervision, as well as 20 days of juvenile detention. It was noted in court that after the judge gave his sentence, he high-fived the boys, and offered to buy them Coronas at the nearby Sizzler.

A 24-year-old Portland man named Daniel Kowatch was arrested this week for breaking into homes and stealing women's underwear. And we'd just like to say, Daniel Kowatch, if you're reading this: You'd be doing me a damn favor; get this shit out of my closet. I'll leave the back door open- be in touch! Xoxo 

Senate Republicans are still on track to propose and push through their bill this week to take apart "Obamacare," as well as defund Planned Parenthood. Republicans are using a tactic called "Reconciliation," which allows them to push bill through with 51 votes, rather than the mandated 60. This bill was introduced earlier this year, in conjunction with a Republican-backed accusation that Planned Parenthood is guilty of selling "aborted baby parts," though there's been no evidence that is is true. Coincidentally, this is also what Mitch McConnell's wife calls his genitals. 

Giving Whole New Meaning to the Term "Celtic Tiger"

Researchers reported Monday that "Truvada," a drug made to prevent the spread of HIV, is highly effective, as only two people from the study out of 500 were reported to contract the virus. This was also after engaging in "risky behavior," such as anal sex without a condom. The two that became infected were believed to not have taken the drug as consistently, and the two groups that were found to not be able to retain the drug as well were African-Americans, and people living in Miami. This explains why Bryant Gumbel will certainly not be returning to the Coconut Grove "Crab Shack" any time soon. 

One of the two women that groped and twerked on a man in a DC area convenient store last month was arrested this week. The two are charged with third-degree sexual abuse, which could mean up to ten years in prison. In related news, Bill Cosby has recently been spotted strolling near his home in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts, sucking on a lime Jell-O cup and whistling "What a Wonderful World."

Nearly 2,000 Salt Lake City residents attended a rally to resign from the Mormon church this week, in response to a new policy that punishes same-sex Mormon couples and their children. One Utah lawyer, who cut ties from the church 15 years ago, is offering his services for free for anyone who's leaving the church, and needs help with their paperwork. So far, he's had more than 1,700 people get in touch with him in the past week. In response, the Mormon church has tried to lure its members back with Joseph Smith action figures, fistfuls of Mitt Romney's hair, and polygamist bake sales. 

Same-sex marriage became officially legal in Ireland on Monday. The Marriage 2015 Act will not apply to churches or religious organizations, so pastors and religious heads will not be forced to ordain same-sex couples, if they feel it conflicts with their religious beliefs. Because of this caveat, gay couples will be legally permitted to slap these pastors across the face and Riverdance all over their bigoted bodies.  

Sex Robots and Priests and the Tennessee Natural Defense Marriage Act- Oh My!

Though sex robots are not yet a widespread commercial item, a campaign against them launched this week, head by Kathleen Richardson, a robot anthropologist at De Montfort University. Currently, the "world's first sex robot," "Roxxxy" (by the company True Companion), sells for close to $7,000, and gets increasingly expensive, depending on customization. True Companion says on its site, "Roxxxy [can] be your loving friend. She can talk to you, listen to you, and can even have an orgasm." The website continues, "...But she knows that you're having sex with a $7,000 doll, so she's not expecting much."  

GlobalPost online news service conducted a year-long investigation, discovering that the US Catholic Church has been letting priests accused of sexually abusing children to continue practicing in poor parishes in South America. One priest who fled to Brazil is now under investigation for sexually abusing the children at an orphanage he founded. In response to high volume of sex abuse cases within the Catholic church, US Bishops declared a "zero-tolerance" policy in 2002, stating that clergy members who sexually abuse are not allowed a second chance in the clergy. Before "zero-tolerance," the Church's official policies were "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," "Maybe a Little Tolerance," and "You Break It, You Buy It."

Two republican state legislators wrote a bill this week, attempting to revoke the US Supreme Court's legalization of same-sex marriage in Tennessee. The "Tennessee Natural Defense Marriage Act" states that marriage between a man and a woman "remains the law in Tennessee, regardless of any court decision to the contrary." According to "Knox News," four days after the Supreme Court ruling, half of the state's Republican lawmakers met in Nashville to compose a legislative response that would prevent gay marriage in Tennessee, but did not reach a consensus, as it was detailed that they were all too busy blowing each other.  

THIS WEEK'S ADVICE

Dear TWIS,

After a three year hiatus with my now ex-boyfriend, I recently moved back to the city and got a new job at one of the hottest restaurants in town. Recently a Veteran co-worker asked me to share a bottle of his ‘special’ wine after my shift. At first I was reluctant to oblige because I don’t like to shit where I eat, but then I found out (from another co-worker) that the bottle happened to be a ‘97 Cabernet Sauvignon he’d been sitting on for nearly two decades, giving his grapes a retail value of a whopping $1000. I was smitten; not to mention wasted, and with every sip and every pour, things just got better and better. There’s a catch, however—the guy is fucking ancient. Like, meat off the bones old: twenty-one years my senior with salt in his hair and probably some form of bad sciatica. The fact that I was eight when he bought the bottle should have been enough of a warning for me to take the bus home, but instead I drank more, and more, and more, eventually going back to his apartment (which was some kind of amazing super loft, by the way). Long story short, I did not sleep with him, but I did make out with him, only after we snorted a few rails. Then I repeated this behavior three times over the week. Truth is, I feel really bad about it, like I’ve gone and spoiled my reputation at work, or betrayed my ex, or even derailed my own moral compass? Please tell me everything will be O.K.
- Lost on the Agean sea

Dear Lost,

There are some key details missing from this story. How are you betraying your ex if you've been broken up for three years? Are you back together? Is this silver-haired fox married, or in a relationship? If you're both single, I'm not entirely sure what sort of damage you're inflicting. Doing coke three times in a week seems more worrisome to me than hooking up with some dude you happen to work with who owns expensive bottles of wine. Do you feel like you're being taken advantage of? Does he exhibit especially reckless, rude, or controlling behavior? These might be some warning signs, and if you've noticed them, could be a reason behind your feeling bad. It seems like your rendezvous with him, between the sex, drinking, and coke, all give you a high that you might have been missing from your life recently, and that could also be what's not sitting right with you. As far as hooking up with co-workers go, restaurants are an incubator for sex with coworkers. (Have you ever read this?) As long as you're taking responsibility for the consequences, practicing moderation, and listening to your gut (which is different than self-judging or worrying what others will think of you), then I'd say, go ahead and enjoy the wine, while it lasts.  

Need sex, love, and/or dating advice? Submit your letters here ("anonymous letters" at rosefinn.com).  

I Hear 'O' Chem Sucks

Kentucky clerk Kim Davis is blowing up the internet this week after refusing to administer marriage licenses to gay couples. Davis has gained more notoriety than other anti-gay clerk cases, due to her unwillingness to back down, which will result in trial on Thursday. Some critics argue that Davis is a hypocrite, as she has three divorces under her belt (though the Bible condemns it). Davis explained in a public statement, "I never imagined a day like this would come, where I would be asked to violate a central teaching of Scripture and of Jesus Himself regarding marriage." "Well, you had to imagine it a little the day you got married for the FOURTH TIME, right, bitch?" responded Jesus Himself from the heavens.

A recent study of men in the Boston area was published Monday, stating that men who purchase sex are more likely to commit sexual violence. Men from ranging demographics had reported "a preference for impersonal sex, a fear of rejection by women, a history of having committed sexually aggressive acts, and a hostile masculine self-identification," said UCLA professor and the co-author of this study Neil Malamuth. "Hostile masculinity" was defined by a hostile and narcissistic drive to maintain power over women, also named by the authors of this study as "Trumpathy."   

A recent sex sting has led to the arrest of 22 Gainesville, Florida men for soliciting children for sex, two of them being a student and professor, respectively, at Santa Fe College. The student, Anthony Stamper, reportedly stopped to get Skittles for the child he thought he was going to meet, who turned out to be part of the undercover sting, known as "Operation Panther." When questioned for comments, local panthers at the Gainesville zoo replied, "Well fuck, you, too."

Arielle Englert, a 24 year old University of Florida philosophy student, faces bribery charges after attempting to get out of a DUI and drug charges by offering sex to the officers that arrested her. When asked about her motive in an interview, Englert replied, "Well how do you think I passed chemistry? I still don't know what 'boron' is."

The Better Business BJ

Michigan state representative Todd Courser attempted to hide his affair with state rep. Cindy Gamrat by sending out a phony e-mail from a fake enemy saying that they saw Courser with a man leaving a gay nightclub. Courser was instructed to do so by a now-former aide, who believed that creating a gay sex scandal would soften the blow of the real sex scandal by comparison. Both Courser and Gamrat are Tea Party members, vocal opponents of gay marriage, anti-abortion, and pro-gun rights, and are married with children. "I wish it would've been a gay sex scandal," said Courser about the situation. "At least I would've gotten better BJs."  

Swedish prosecutors dropped the sexual assault case against Julian Assange today, as it's passed the statute of limitations. Prosecutors had until August 13th to question Assange about his one count each of sexual molestation and unlawful coercion, as litigators have a time limit for questioning the indicted under Swedish law. Assange still faces rape allegations, and will be tried sometime before 2020. Assange's lawyers say the case should have been dropped, and that "it's regrettable that it's gone on for this long." Coincidentally, that's also what Assange's victims said during his sexual assaults. 

This week, Amnesty International will vote whether or not to add the decriminalization of sex work to their policy agenda. If approved, the world's largest human rights group will lobby for governments to decriminalize prostitution. Opponents believe that human trafficking will rise if sex work becomes decriminalized, while some supporters note that since New Zealand's 2003 decriminalization, 70% of sex workers say that they're more likely to report abuse to the police. This was said to be an unreliable statistic due to the fact that 80% of their clients were sheep.

THIS WEEK'S ADVICE

Dear TWIS, I'm a female teenager that lives in a small town, and I've recently figured out that I'm gay. I feel really gross and sleazy, but when I'm in the locker room at school, I'm afraid I'm going to start making out with all the girls, it's almost painful. I haven't told my parents yet, and I'm not sure how they'd take it. My main problem is that I really want to have sex, but I don't know how to find other lesbians. I don't know if I can wait to move away to college, I need to get some NOW. Any thoughts/suggestions? -Need Cunt Now

Dear NCN, I feel for you. You get anxious in the locker room because you feel out of control; you have all these feelings that are so intense that they feel almost like an animal that you can't tame. Unfortunately, gay or not, we go through that at all ages (some of us more than others). Being horribly, painfully, awkwardly horny is just another beautiful part of life, something you should enjoy and be proud of- it shows you you're alive. Granted, it'll be more difficult for you to find other teens that share your preferences; less people are gay, which means less teens are gay, and even less are ready to come out. I'd suggest joining as many clubs and taking advantage of as many social opportunities as possible; then from there, just try to become friends with as many cute girls as possible. For any person, becoming friends with a person first is a good introduction into establishing a relationship with them. Pay attention to social cues; is she really interested in what you have to say? Does she touch you a lot? I'd also ask unassuming questions about her crushes, who she's into. Unfortunately, you're going to have to be more crafty and more active about making social contacts and doing some undercover investigating until you're old enough to move the fuck away to a city where you can go to gay bars and make gay friends and have more options. 

This Is Why We Don't Like Surprises

19-year-old Zach Anderson from Indiana faces 25 years as a registered sex offender for having sex with a 14-year-old girl who lied about her age. Anderson met the 14-year-old on the dating site "Hot or Not," where she said that she was 17. He's since been charged as a sex offender, which means he's not allowed to own a smart phone or use the internet, talk to anyone under the age of 17, or go to any business that serves alcohol for the next five years. Though the girl and her mother both tried on Anderson's behalf, the judge still accused him of being guilty, saying that a culture of "meet, hook-up, have sex, sayonara, [is] totally inappropriate behavior." The judge continued, "So I'm going to take out all my sexual frustration on you, because you're a teenager and there's nothing you can do about it so there, nyeah nyeah nyeah."

The Smiths lead singer Morrissey filed a complaint with British Airways after an airport security officer allegedly fondled him. Said Morrissey, "Before I could gather my belongings, I was approached by an 'airport security officer' who stopped me, crouched before me and groped my penis and testicles." Police discovered soon afterwards that the security guard was actually just Bill Cosby.   

Former Subway sandwich company spokesperson Jared Fogle is under scrutiny yet again for bragging about having sex with a 16-year-old he met on Craigslist. Subway initially cut ties with Fogle in July, after he became a suspect in an FBI child pornography probe. The FBI subpoenaed texts from Fogle to a Subway franchisee whom he'd had a sexual relationship with, saying, "It was amazing!" after the franchisee texted, "I can't believe you only paid $100 for her." It was also later recorded that Fogle had asked the 16-year-old if she wanted to try a "new flavor of six inch sub, now even meatier, with a nice, creamy surprise in the middle."