The group of armed militia in rural Oregon who have been occupying a federal bird sanctuary to protest government land usage recently requested care packages online, but instead, have been receiving sex toys, and phallic-shaped candy. One militant, Jon Ritzheimer, said in a video of the group opening their packages, "It's really ridiculous. This one is really funny, it's a bag of dicks," with no trace of smile on his face. Coincidentally, this is also what the state of Oregon has been calling this group of militants.

Republican Kansas governor Sam Brownback announced that Kansas will be cutting Medicaid funding for all of the state's Planned Parenthoods. $61,000 Kansas Medicaid funds are used annually to reimburse Planned Parenthood clinics for health exams, cancer screenings, and birth control services for low-income people. The governor signed a similar law in 2011, and vowed to not let "a single dollar of taxpayer money" go to the organization through Medicaid. "The time has come to finish the job," said Brownback. He then rubbed his hands together, cackling as he became shrouded by darkness, sound-tracked by an organ playing "Hour of Reckoning." Gathering his cape, he clicked away on his tiny hooves, the gleam of his pitchfork providing the only light for his secretary to make more notes.

A federal investigation has uncovered that Grand Canyon trip leaders have been pressuring female co-workers for sex for up to the past 15 years. According to 19 women interviewed by the inspector general's office, men routinely have made lewd comments, touched their female colleagues inappropriately, and even withheld food when the women turned them down. Alcohol has been banned on these trips, due to the slew of sexual assault. The state of Arizona has since revoked their new license plate slogan: "The Grand Canyon- the last place on Earth that hasn't been marred by drunk, rapey douchebags."

Since the New Year's Eve sex attacks in Salzberg and Cologne, the number of gun permits have quadrupled in Germany and Austria. Body guards and pepper spray are also in high demand. Said police chief Garhard Purstl to the Krone newspaper, "Women should in general not go out on the streets at night alone, they should avoid suspicious-looking areas, and also when in pubs and clubs should only accept drinks from people they know." Purstl continued, "So, in short- they should pretend they live in America."

A counselor at a juvenile detention center in Centralia, Washington was found guilty of sexual relations with one of the 18-year-old inmates. When questioned about their relationship, the counselor replied, "What else am I supposed to do in Centralia?"

Archivists at the Oregon Historical Society discovered a previously lost anti-pornography film from 1962 this week. The film, titled, "Pages of Death," chronicles a man who looks at smut at a local store so much that he ends up killing a woman in a fit of rage. Archivists discovered this film upon walking in on a janitor feverishly masturbating to it.