The Holidays are great for many reasons; moist turkey drumsticks, arguments with mom, checks from grandma. But the holidays are also a great time for sex, and for lawmakers and religious zealots to control and abuse it. Here are the most penetrating news stories from the holidays:

An 82-year-old Wisconsin woman called the police because she heard her neighbors moaning "ISIS is good, ISIS is great!" while having sex. Then the 82-year-old realized that she was just having a really, really great dream.

194 lawmakers in Greece decided to approve same-sex civil partnership, though same-sex marriage is still not legally recognized. Said Greek Archbishop Leronymos about the Church's opposition to the law, "People of the [Orthodox] Church believe in a certain lifestyle. Anything outside this is a diversion." He continued, "The lifestyle includes quietly observing God, missionary sex, and waiting for sweet, sweet death."

Dutch parliament confirmed that it is perfectly legal for driving instructors to accept sexual favors as payment, as long as both parties are over the age of 18. Instructors also accept VISA, AmEx, wooden shoes, and a pound of hash.

More former members of The Institute in Basic Life Principles, a Christian organization "established for introducing people to Jesus Christ," joined in on the multi-million dollar lawsuit against the organization for numerous counts of sexual abuse, assault, and misconduct. After Josh Duggar was found guilty of molesting his sisters, the Duggar family turned to their local IBLP chapter for guidance and support. This lead to TLC's newest hit reality show, "19 Counts of Molestation... And Counting."