Rapper 50 Cent has to pay $5 million to a woman with whom he made a sex tape, after leaking it to the public without her consent. Cent filed for bankruptcy on Monday, a few days after his hearing. In the wake of his bankruptcy and non-consensual sex tape, Cent has said in interviews that he will no longer be taking anyone to the Candy Shop, and most likely will not be getting any licks from his lollipop. 

Hundreds of colorful dildos have been spotted hanging from power lines all over Portland, Oregon in the last 48 hours. A PGE spokesman said that the rubber products were not a fire hazard. "A SEXY hazard, however, they might be," continued the PGE spokesperson, licking his lips while climbing up the telephone pole. 

A now-former Disneyland employee named Darreck Michael Enciso was charged with trying to exchange sex for Disneyland tickets with an underage girl this past weekend. The 14-year-old girl he had tried to meet up with turned out to be a Huntington Beach officer, who then arrested him, finding condoms and Disneyland tickets on him at the time of the arrest. Said Enciso, "That's what EVERY Disneyland employee has in their pockets."

Wisconsin gov. and Presidential Republican nominee Scott Walker told the Independent Journal Review in an interview that he favors the now-dismantled ban on gay adult boy scouts. "I support the previous membership policy because it protected children and advanced scout values," Walker told the Review, while sticking his penis in the mouth hole of a cardboard cutout of himself. 

Strawberry or Marmalade?

Circuit clerk Linda Barnett resigned from a Mississippi court this week upon the Supreme Court legalizing gay marriage on June 26th. Said Barnett in her resignation letter, "I cannot in good conscience issue marriage licenses to same sex couples because the Bible clearly teaches that homosexuality is contrary to God's plan... I choose to obey God rather than man." Barnett's only friend told reporters that after quitting, Barnett will most likely spend her days waiting for God to call while masturbating feverishly to a picture of Janet Reno, followed by an hour of crying.

Numerous government leaders in Texas are also refusing to disburse marriage licenses to gay couples. State Attorney General Ken Paxton and Governor Greg Abbott spoke out, urging state agencies to "respect and preserve Texans' religious liberties," insinuating that county clerks can deny marriage licenses to homosexual couples if it doesn't fit with their religious beliefs. Said zombie Thomas Jefferson emerging from his grave, "Dude- totes not cool, bro."

The Associated Press obtained documents this week that show a Bill Cosby court case from 2005, indicating that he bought and gave Quaaludes to women with whom he wanted to have sex. The AP wanted the court to release the documents, but Cosby's lawyers denied it, for fear of "embarrassing their client." The AP responded, "I think he's 'Pudding Popped' the lid off of that already."   

A study recently conducted by Northwestern University and the University of Texas at Austin discovered that dating out of your league might be a fictional concept. Within the couples studied, researchers found that the longer a couple had known each other prior to getting together, the more likely the couple was to have an attractiveness discrepancy. Surveyed couples included Donald and Melania Trump, Salma Hayek and François-Henri Pinault, Patrick Star and Spongebob Squarepants, The Koch Brothers, and peanut butter and jam. 

Where the Wild Things Were

Richard Matt and David Sweat, both inmates at Clinton Correctional Facility in New York, escaped from prison this week, via officer Joyce Mitchell, who was also found to have sexual relationships with both of them. While authorities have known for months that Mitchell had an ongoing sexual relationship with Sweat, Mitchell admitted to authorities this week that she also been engaging in a sexual relationship with Matt. "It just goes to show you," said one of the investigators for this case, "literally ANYONE can get laid." 

A recent study from the University of Canterbury in New Zealand discovered that sex and drinking were considered to be the highest rated activities on the "pleasure scale," rated higher than child-rearing, volunteering, and religion. "Well," said the Pope, taking off his hat and mounting a Harley Davidson being driven by Alessandra Ambrosio, "See you mother fuckers in hell."

U.S. district judge Donovan Frank declared a Minnesota law unconstitutional that keeps sex offenders locked up for life. Frank wrote that the current state facilities "will not be immediately closed," but he wanted to move fast, and ordered an August 10th conference to "fashion suitable remedies." Frank's first idea for a "suitable remedy" was a cardboard box with bars that says, "If you escape, try not to rape."

Let's Talk About Sex

Gaia Democratic private school in Minneapolis experienced a slew of scrutiny after taking a dozen of their teen-aged students on a field trip to a local adult toy store as part of their sex education class. "It's just a major breach of trust... You just can't erase those images," said Lynn Floyd, who pulled her 11 and 13-year-old daughters out of the school after hearing about their field trip. Floyd continued, "That's why Mr. Floyd and I always turn off the lights when we do the deed. I just can't erase the image of my husband's penis."

After two FDA rejections, makers of the proposed pill that induces sexual desire in women tried again this week to push their product through drug regulators. As seen in "This Week," "flibanserin" was initially developed to be an anti-depressant, as it works by altering brain chemistry. When asked if they'd like to try flibanserin, wives across America responded, "I don't know, how about you just go down on me and act interested in my career instead?" 

If you thought you couldn't get any closer with your iPhone, you were wrong. Apple is introducing a new component to their "health tracking" application. The iPhone 9 (due to come out in the fall) will include a "sexual activity" feature, where the user can input the date and time that they had sex, as well as whether or not they used protection. Apple announced soon after that the iPhone 10 will be able to double as a vibrator and anal bead.  

THIS WEEK IN ADVICE

Dear TWIS, I'm a high school student, in a long term relationship, living with my parents. My parents are very Christian, and are totally not into me having sex before marriage. Of course I think they're full of shit, and I want to fuck my boyfriend, but we don't really have a place or time to do it. I'm on the track team and have singing and dance lessons and a shit ton of homework, and my boyfriend has a job. Also, my house is really small, and I'm always paranoid that they're going to hear us. It's kind of the same situation at his house. How can I work around this without having to "pencil in" sex?" -Want to Eff my BF

Dear WTFMBF, First of all, it's good that you aren't retaining feelings of bullshit religious guilt about having sex with your boyfriend; if you want to, and you both trust each other, and communicate well with each other, and you feel sexually interested in him and vice versa, then by all means, you should have (PROTECTED) sex. Have you already met with your doctor about finding the right birth control for you? If you haven't, I'd recommend taking care of that first. Sex IS romantic, but it's also political, physically and emotionally demanding, bureaucratic, and complicated. Much like everything else in our culture, we often don't thoughtfully acknowledge the beauty and power of this very essential life force. I'd recommend you treat sex with as much respect as you treat your partner. It has the power to totally improve and/or destroy your life. Treat it as such. After you start having sex, get tested. Also, I'd recommend talking to your doctor/naturopath/guru about getting the HPV shot (GARDASIL). If you're already started having sex and have taken care of all of these health precautions, then I'd recommend you find a safe place to start doing it, and doing it, and doing it well. Have sex in one of your cars. In the woods (maybe bring a blanket?). In a friend's basement. If the issue is time, maybe find a day once in a while you can take (at least partially) off, just to take care of yourself, and have (PROTECTED) sex with your BF. It's good to be busy and ambitious and pursue your goals, but it's also important to enjoy your youth while you have it. Pretty soon you're going to be dating twenty-something idiots who don't have a job or a bed, and you'll be missing the days when you were fucking someone who had a future. Get it in while you can. 

The Boy Scouts and Jose Cuervo

Robert Gates, the president of the Boy Scouts of America, ended the ban on gay adult participants from his organization, which elicited heavy social media backlash from conservative leaders in the past week. Ex-director from the American Family Association Bryan Fischer tweeted last week, "A word to fathers: if you care about the sexual integrity of your sons, GET THEM OUT OF THE BOY SCOUTS NOW." Said the Boy Scouts, "Aren't most of us, like, nine?"  

A northern Ireland couple that own the local "Ashers Baking Company" were convicted on the grounds of discrimination after refusing to make a cake that would depict Bert and Ernie saying, "Support Gay Marriage." Bert responded in a follow-up interview, "I'm really more of a pie guy, anyway."

Pastor Matthew Makela resigned from his St. John's Lutheran church in Midland, Michigan this week due to being outed. Though the pastor is well-known for his anti-gay remarks in his sermons, the website Queerty posted screenshots of photos and texts he'd sent on the popular gay hook-up app Grindr. Makela posted a comment in his local paper's website last fall comparing homosexuality to alcoholism,  which explains why he sleeps next to Jose Cuervo AND Jose's CUERVOS every night. Blam-o!

21 Shades of Gray

If you're looking for new ideas for birthday and holiday gifts, Dutch designer Mark Sturkenboom might have your answer. Recently Sturkenboom developed a vibrator with a tiny urn inside to hold your passed loved one's ashes. It comes in a memory box, titled "21 Grams," and includes a perfume diffuser to hold their trademark scent, as well as an iPod adapter. The idea reportedly came from when the designer had been helping an elderly neighbor across the street with her groceries, who kept her late husband's ashes in a jar in the windowsill. Sturkenboom said of his neighbor, "She always speaks with so much love about him, but the jar he was in didn't reflect that at all." He continued, "He was much more of a brass dildo type of guy."  

Vienna has introduced 49 crosswalk signals around the city that depict same-sex and opposite-sex couples holding hands. The signals are said to correspond with the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest, and a fundraiser for AIDS/HIV research and awareness. The mayor reported that next month, the city will release 12 more signals, all doggystyle. 

On May 6th, Fox News reporter Shannon Bream reported on America's Newsroom, "The Obama Administration's top lawyer says that if the Supreme Court redefines marriage [referring to the recent legalization of gay marriage], religious colleges and universities could lose their tax-exempt status." Bream has been known to regurgitate the rhetoric of LGBTQ hate groups as news in her segments, and this instance was no exception. Caroline Mala Corbin, a legal expert on the first Amendment at University of Miami, stated, "Given that churches have long been able to discriminate against women without losing their tax exempt status, it seems highly unlikely that they risk losing their tax-exempt status because they discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation." "Whoopsie," replied Shannon Bream, smiling coyly and stroking her white cat. 

A man who worked for a water treatment plant was recently found to have watched a total of 39 hours of porn during a two-week period last year, meaning he watched porn for an average of half of his shifts. He reportedly didn't stream it on the internet, but brought DVDs from home. Said the unnamed man in response, "It's the buffering. I can't stand the buffering."

THIS WEEK IN ADVICE 

Dear TWIS, I recently found out that I have herpes, and it's been devastating for me. I've always been the type of person that enjoys casual sex on a regular basis, and I've always practiced safe sex, but the one time I got drunk and didn't use a condom, it came back to bite me in the ass. It's tail-spun me into some serious depression, and has really taken a toll on my confidence. I want to carry on with my life and feel comfortable with myself again, but I just feel embarrassed and ashamed. How can I get myself out of this? How can I get my sex life on track again? - Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, First of all, that sucks, and I'm sorry. You're absolutely allowed to feel shitty. However, you have to remind yourself that this isn't a death sentence, and this doesn't make you a gross or unfuckable person. It might mean you have to be more choosy about who you fuck, but I consider that a great blessing in disguise. People have been far more careless about sex than you, but have gotten away with it- you just didn't get away with it this time, and that's life. Casual sex can be great, and this doesn't necessarily have to end that. You will want to be upfront with your partners, thus making you far more likely to find people that are really excited about you and fucking you, thus potentially enabling you to attain better sex than you're used to having. Don't beat yourself up about this, and don't let this define you; you are still you, you just have a new obstacle to work around. Remember; we're all fucked up, with herpes, or AIDS, or depression, or a shitty dad, or a missing leg, and it's our job to work with our ailments to turn us into better people. Good luck, and keep safe-fucking! You're still hot!

Need love, sex, or dating advice? Submit your anonymous questions here (under "Anonymous Letters" at rosefinn.com).

We Hear He Hangs Out With Bieber

Upon the "Religious Freedom Restoration Act" passing in Indiana (a bill that allows Indiana business owners to refuse service to homosexual customers), an Indiana pizzeria now has vowed to refuse service to any same-sex couples. "If a gay couple came in and wanted us to provide pizzas for their wedding, we would have to say no," said Memories Pizza owner Crystal O'Connor. She continued, "Breadsticks, maybe. But no pizza."

Paul Shepherd, the Republican Idaho rep. most known for his lobbying against same-sex marriage, forgot to renew his domain, "paulshepherdusa.com," this week, so a 21-year-old college student bought it and turned it into a resource space for queer and gay youth, donning Shepherd's face set against a rainbow flag. Shepherd responded to his website format shift in an interview with Idaho public television: "Slave owners were very good Christians and good people... [Slave owners] weren't terrible, rotten, horrible people, and that's how I see gay people." Shepherd continued, "...With their whips, and ropes, sweat beads gleaning on their foreheads... excuse me for a second." 

Lu Lu the panda, from the Sichuan Giant Panda Research Center in China, recently mated with other panda Zhen Zhen for seven minutes and 45 seconds, garnering him a new record. Lu Lu has been nicknamed "The Enduring Brother," and researchers say that he lasted longer than the average American male. Lu Lu now reportedly only goes to "the hottest clubs," smokes Cubans, and is set to release a rap album with Ja Rule later this year.

They Say His Best Album is "Call Me Irresponsible"

On Friday, an Illinois judge "threw out" a sexual assault case between two University of Illinois students. The defendant, Mohammad Hossain, a 19-year-old biology student, had been having casual sex with the victim, until the night he hit her repeatedly with a belt while she was tied up and blindfolded, begging him to stop. Hossain claimed he was just acting out "50 Shades of Grey." "Yeah, if it was a Bill Cosby production," responded the victim. 

In a recent study conducted by The Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers discovered that with each additional hour of sleep, women are 14% more likely to have sex. In related news, I'll be taking a break from writing "This Week in Sex" to go into hibernation.

Cosmopolitan magazine recently surveyed over 2,300 18-40 year old women in an online poll, asking about orgasms and their sexual history. 72 percent of the women surveyed said they had been with a partner who climaxed, but wasn't interested in helping them reach orgasm. It was noted that 68 percent of that total was named Chad or Todd, only ate take-out, and "didn't feel like" having dinner with your parents on Sunday.

In a story that needs no punchline, The Knoxville Baptist Tabernacle church in Tennessee put a message on their marquee over the weekend saying, "Remember- Satan was the first to demand equal rights." The eulogy delivered that Sunday elaborated: "Satan was also a botanist, a frequent volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, a trivia buff, 'crazy good' on the ukulele, and a big Michael Bublé fan." 

March Highlights

The Singapore government fined a prominent Singaporean blogger 8,000 dollars ($5,845 US) for making comments about two trials that both pertained to people engaging in homosexuality, an illegal act in Singapore. The blogger Alex Au, who is a gay rights activist and writes a blog titled "Yawning Bread," is fined for saying that the court engaged in "strange calendaring" for both of these cases. One of the cases Au had commented on was about a man getting caught having sex with another man in a public bathroom, aka Tuesdays for Ryan Seacrest. 

The Alabama Supreme Court continues to fight president Obama's national legalization of same-sex marriage. The state court ordered a cease on same-sex marriage licenses until the U.S. Supreme Court disputes later this year over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry. Alabama justices described, "State courts may interpret the U.S. Constitution independently from federal courts," also including that "traditional" marriage is "the fundamental unit of society." The state of Alabama also uses this phrase when describing 2 for 1 Tuesdays at iHop, double bacon cheeseburgers, and the Coors Light Twins.   

A British journal, titled "BJU International," discovered a more accurate and thorough assessment of penis sizes. The journal concluded while reviewing 17 different studies that included information from over 15,000 different males that the average size of a flaccid penis was 3.6 inches, while the average length of an erect penis was 5.2 inches. The average circumference for a flaccid penis was 3.7 inches, while the average hard penis was 4.6, which makes Tom feel a lot better about the fact that Lisa kept calling him a "solid 4.6." 

Take With Water and Pepto

Bikram yoga founder and spiritual leader Bikram Choudhury is under threat of litigation from six different women, all claiming various forms of sexual assault from the sweaty Gumby. Though Choudhury is married with children, each woman claims to have been sexually abused by him in differing degrees, and afraid to go to the authorities. Choudhury claims he's innocent, and faces no criminal charges. Attorney Mary Shea, representing all six women, commented, "We are confident, and we believe in our clients, and I believe in the justice system." America's justice system responded, "Um, have you seen me lately?"   

Erskine College in South Carolina made an official statement this week, instating a no-homosexuality policy in response to two male volleyball stars coming out as gay last year. The school's statement included: "Sexual relations outside of marriage or between persons of the same sex are spoken of in scripture as sin and contrary to the will of The Creator." What the statement failed to include was that "The Creator" actually refers to the college president Dr. Paul Kooistra's "WWE SmackDown" name. Next Friday, The Creator will go against Undertaker in an epic battle to see who is the most closeted homosexual.  

Last week, Sprout Pharmaceuticals made yet another attempt to push their latest drug through the FDA- "flibanserin," a drug made to increase female libido by toying with brain chemicals that typically moderate mood and appetite. The FDA has already rejected it twice, due to the drug's linkage with dizziness, nausea, and fatigue. Sprout argues that these symptoms are totally normal, so can you let them just finish first? They're really close. Ooh, yeah, that's it. Really close. 

British soccer star Adam Johnson was arrested over the weekend out of suspicion that he's been engaging in sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl. Johnson, 27, was bailed shortly after his arrest, and is suspended from the league until results arrive from the police investigation. America responded, "Soccer? I thought he had sex with her."