Richard Matt and David Sweat, both inmates at Clinton Correctional Facility in New York, escaped from prison this week, via officer Joyce Mitchell, who was also found to have sexual relationships with both of them. While authorities have known for months that Mitchell had an ongoing sexual relationship with Sweat, Mitchell admitted to authorities this week that she also been engaging in a sexual relationship with Matt. "It just goes to show you," said one of the investigators for this case, "literally ANYONE can get laid."

A recent study from the University of Canterbury in New Zealand discovered that sex and drinking were considered to be the highest rated activities on the "pleasure scale," rated higher than child-rearing, volunteering, and religion. "Well," said the Pope, taking off his hat and mounting a Harley Davidson being driven by Alessandra Ambrosio, "See you mother fuckers in hell."

U.S. district judge Donovan Frank declared a Minnesota law unconstitutional that keeps sex offenders locked up for life. Frank wrote that the current state facilities "will not be immediately closed," but he wanted to move fast, and ordered an August 10th conference to "fashion suitable remedies." Frank's first idea for a "suitable remedy" was a cardboard box with bars that says, "If you escape, try not to rape."