Circuit clerk Linda Barnett resigned from a Mississippi court this week upon the Supreme Court legalizing gay marriage on June 26th. Said Barnett in her resignation letter, "I cannot in good conscience issue marriage licenses to same sex couples because the Bible clearly teaches that homosexuality is contrary to God's plan... I choose to obey God rather than man." Barnett's only friend told reporters that after quitting, Barnett will most likely spend her days waiting for God to call while masturbating feverishly to a picture of Janet Reno, followed by an hour of crying.

Numerous government leaders in Texas are also refusing to disburse marriage licenses to gay couples. State Attorney General Ken Paxton and Governor Greg Abbott spoke out, urging state agencies to "respect and preserve Texans' religious liberties," insinuating that county clerks can deny marriage licenses to homosexual couples if it doesn't fit with their religious beliefs. Said zombie Thomas Jefferson emerging from his grave, "Dude- totes not cool, bro."

The Associated Press obtained documents this week that show a Bill Cosby court case from 2005, indicating that he bought and gave Quaaludes to women with whom he wanted to have sex. The AP wanted the court to release the documents, but Cosby's lawyers denied it, for fear of "embarrassing their client." The AP responded, "I think he's 'Pudding Popped' the lid off of that already."

A study recently conducted by Northwestern University and the University of Texas at Austin discovered that dating out of your league might be a fictional concept. Within the couples studied, researchers found that the longer a couple had known each other prior to getting together, the more likely the couple was to have an attractiveness discrepancy. Surveyed couples included Donald and Melania Trump, Salma Hayek and François-Henri Pinault, Patrick Star and Spongebob Squarepants, The Koch Brothers, and peanut butter and jam.