Let's Talk About Sex
Gaia Democratic private school in Minneapolis experienced a slew of scrutiny after taking a dozen of their teen-aged students on a field trip to a local adult toy store as part of their sex education class. "It's just a major breach of trust... You just can't erase those images," said Lynn Floyd, who pulled her 11 and 13-year-old daughters out of the school after hearing about their field trip. Floyd continued, "That's why Mr. Floyd and I always turn off the lights when we do the deed. I just can't erase the image of my husband's penis."
After two FDA rejections, makers of the proposed pill that induces sexual desire in women tried again this week to push their product through drug regulators. As seen in "This Week," "flibanserin" was initially developed to be an anti-depressant, as it works by altering brain chemistry. When asked if they'd like to try flibanserin, wives across America responded, "I don't know, how about you just go down on me and act interested in my career instead?"
If you thought you couldn't get any closer with your iPhone, you were wrong. Apple is introducing a new component to their "health tracking" application. The iPhone 9 (due to come out in the fall) will include a "sexual activity" feature, where the user can input the date and time that they had sex, as well as whether or not they used protection. Apple announced soon after that the iPhone 10 will be able to double as a vibrator and anal bead.
THIS WEEK IN ADVICE
Dear TWIS, I'm a high school student, in a long term relationship, living with my parents. My parents are very Christian, and are totally not into me having sex before marriage. Of course I think they're full of shit, and I want to fuck my boyfriend, but we don't really have a place or time to do it. I'm on the track team and have singing and dance lessons and a shit ton of homework, and my boyfriend has a job. Also, my house is really small, and I'm always paranoid that they're going to hear us. It's kind of the same situation at his house. How can I work around this without having to "pencil in" sex?" -Want to Eff my BF
Dear WTFMBF, First of all, it's good that you aren't retaining feelings of bullshit religious guilt about having sex with your boyfriend; if you want to, and you both trust each other, and communicate well with each other, and you feel sexually interested in him and vice versa, then by all means, you should have (PROTECTED) sex. Have you already met with your doctor about finding the right birth control for you? If you haven't, I'd recommend taking care of that first. Sex IS romantic, but it's also political, physically and emotionally demanding, bureaucratic, and complicated. Much like everything else in our culture, we often don't thoughtfully acknowledge the beauty and power of this very essential life force. I'd recommend you treat sex with as much respect as you treat your partner. It has the power to totally improve and/or destroy your life. Treat it as such. After you start having sex, get tested. Also, I'd recommend talking to your doctor/naturopath/guru about getting the HPV shot (GARDASIL). If you're already started having sex and have taken care of all of these health precautions, then I'd recommend you find a safe place to start doing it, and doing it, and doing it well. Have sex in one of your cars. In the woods (maybe bring a blanket?). In a friend's basement. If the issue is time, maybe find a day once in a while you can take (at least partially) off, just to take care of yourself, and have (PROTECTED) sex with your BF. It's good to be busy and ambitious and pursue your goals, but it's also important to enjoy your youth while you have it. Pretty soon you're going to be dating twenty-something idiots who don't have a job or a bed, and you'll be missing the days when you were fucking someone who had a future. Get it in while you can.