Let's Talk About Sex

Gaia Democratic private school in Minneapolis experienced a slew of scrutiny after taking a dozen of their teen-aged students on a field trip to a local adult toy store as part of their sex education class. "It's just a major breach of trust... You just can't erase those images," said Lynn Floyd, who pulled her 11 and 13-year-old daughters out of the school after hearing about their field trip. Floyd continued, "That's why Mr. Floyd and I always turn off the lights when we do the deed. I just can't erase the image of my husband's penis."

After two FDA rejections, makers of the proposed pill that induces sexual desire in women tried again this week to push their product through drug regulators. As seen in "This Week," "flibanserin" was initially developed to be an anti-depressant, as it works by altering brain chemistry. When asked if they'd like to try flibanserin, wives across America responded, "I don't know, how about you just go down on me and act interested in my career instead?" 

If you thought you couldn't get any closer with your iPhone, you were wrong. Apple is introducing a new component to their "health tracking" application. The iPhone 9 (due to come out in the fall) will include a "sexual activity" feature, where the user can input the date and time that they had sex, as well as whether or not they used protection. Apple announced soon after that the iPhone 10 will be able to double as a vibrator and anal bead.  

THIS WEEK IN ADVICE

Dear TWIS, I'm a high school student, in a long term relationship, living with my parents. My parents are very Christian, and are totally not into me having sex before marriage. Of course I think they're full of shit, and I want to fuck my boyfriend, but we don't really have a place or time to do it. I'm on the track team and have singing and dance lessons and a shit ton of homework, and my boyfriend has a job. Also, my house is really small, and I'm always paranoid that they're going to hear us. It's kind of the same situation at his house. How can I work around this without having to "pencil in" sex?" -Want to Eff my BF

Dear WTFMBF, First of all, it's good that you aren't retaining feelings of bullshit religious guilt about having sex with your boyfriend; if you want to, and you both trust each other, and communicate well with each other, and you feel sexually interested in him and vice versa, then by all means, you should have (PROTECTED) sex. Have you already met with your doctor about finding the right birth control for you? If you haven't, I'd recommend taking care of that first. Sex IS romantic, but it's also political, physically and emotionally demanding, bureaucratic, and complicated. Much like everything else in our culture, we often don't thoughtfully acknowledge the beauty and power of this very essential life force. I'd recommend you treat sex with as much respect as you treat your partner. It has the power to totally improve and/or destroy your life. Treat it as such. After you start having sex, get tested. Also, I'd recommend talking to your doctor/naturopath/guru about getting the HPV shot (GARDASIL). If you're already started having sex and have taken care of all of these health precautions, then I'd recommend you find a safe place to start doing it, and doing it, and doing it well. Have sex in one of your cars. In the woods (maybe bring a blanket?). In a friend's basement. If the issue is time, maybe find a day once in a while you can take (at least partially) off, just to take care of yourself, and have (PROTECTED) sex with your BF. It's good to be busy and ambitious and pursue your goals, but it's also important to enjoy your youth while you have it. Pretty soon you're going to be dating twenty-something idiots who don't have a job or a bed, and you'll be missing the days when you were fucking someone who had a future. Get it in while you can. 

21 Shades of Gray

If you're looking for new ideas for birthday and holiday gifts, Dutch designer Mark Sturkenboom might have your answer. Recently Sturkenboom developed a vibrator with a tiny urn inside to hold your passed loved one's ashes. It comes in a memory box, titled "21 Grams," and includes a perfume diffuser to hold their trademark scent, as well as an iPod adapter. The idea reportedly came from when the designer had been helping an elderly neighbor across the street with her groceries, who kept her late husband's ashes in a jar in the windowsill. Sturkenboom said of his neighbor, "She always speaks with so much love about him, but the jar he was in didn't reflect that at all." He continued, "He was much more of a brass dildo type of guy."  

Vienna has introduced 49 crosswalk signals around the city that depict same-sex and opposite-sex couples holding hands. The signals are said to correspond with the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest, and a fundraiser for AIDS/HIV research and awareness. The mayor reported that next month, the city will release 12 more signals, all doggystyle. 

On May 6th, Fox News reporter Shannon Bream reported on America's Newsroom, "The Obama Administration's top lawyer says that if the Supreme Court redefines marriage [referring to the recent legalization of gay marriage], religious colleges and universities could lose their tax-exempt status." Bream has been known to regurgitate the rhetoric of LGBTQ hate groups as news in her segments, and this instance was no exception. Caroline Mala Corbin, a legal expert on the first Amendment at University of Miami, stated, "Given that churches have long been able to discriminate against women without losing their tax exempt status, it seems highly unlikely that they risk losing their tax-exempt status because they discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation." "Whoopsie," replied Shannon Bream, smiling coyly and stroking her white cat. 

A man who worked for a water treatment plant was recently found to have watched a total of 39 hours of porn during a two-week period last year, meaning he watched porn for an average of half of his shifts. He reportedly didn't stream it on the internet, but brought DVDs from home. Said the unnamed man in response, "It's the buffering. I can't stand the buffering."

THIS WEEK IN ADVICE 

Dear TWIS, I recently found out that I have herpes, and it's been devastating for me. I've always been the type of person that enjoys casual sex on a regular basis, and I've always practiced safe sex, but the one time I got drunk and didn't use a condom, it came back to bite me in the ass. It's tail-spun me into some serious depression, and has really taken a toll on my confidence. I want to carry on with my life and feel comfortable with myself again, but I just feel embarrassed and ashamed. How can I get myself out of this? How can I get my sex life on track again? - Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, First of all, that sucks, and I'm sorry. You're absolutely allowed to feel shitty. However, you have to remind yourself that this isn't a death sentence, and this doesn't make you a gross or unfuckable person. It might mean you have to be more choosy about who you fuck, but I consider that a great blessing in disguise. People have been far more careless about sex than you, but have gotten away with it- you just didn't get away with it this time, and that's life. Casual sex can be great, and this doesn't necessarily have to end that. You will want to be upfront with your partners, thus making you far more likely to find people that are really excited about you and fucking you, thus potentially enabling you to attain better sex than you're used to having. Don't beat yourself up about this, and don't let this define you; you are still you, you just have a new obstacle to work around. Remember; we're all fucked up, with herpes, or AIDS, or depression, or a shitty dad, or a missing leg, and it's our job to work with our ailments to turn us into better people. Good luck, and keep safe-fucking! You're still hot!

Need love, sex, or dating advice? Submit your anonymous questions here (under "Anonymous Letters" at rosefinn.com).

Sexy Time and Syphilis

The University of Manchester and NatCen Social Research recently conducted a survey discovering that people over the age of 70 are still doing it, and doing it, and doing it well. 54 percent of men and 31 percent of women in the 7,000 seniors surveyed said they were still sexually active, with a third of that group saying they had frequent sex (at least twice a month). This has led to a surge in STD rates among baby boomers. Syphilis among seniors has gone up 52 percent since 2007, while chlamydia has risen 32 percent. This was news to millennials, who didn't know you could even still get syphilis.

On Wednesday, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham asked Loretta Lynch at her confirmation hearing, "What is the legal difference between a ban on same-sex marriage being unconstitutional but a ban on polygamy being unconstitutional?" Lynch responded with acknowledging her inexperience with this type of case, and told him she looks "forward to continuing these discussions" with him. Graham's wife responded from the front row, "Oh, yeah, right. Like you can even handle having one wife. By the way, my clit's in the front, brainiac."

Last Tuesday, a 19-year-old former Oregon State University student was cited by a police trooper for video taping herself masturbating in the OSU library and posting it online. After the police and the university discovered her video on PornHub, Kendra Jane Sutherland could face up to a year in prison, as well as a $6,250 fine. OSU spokesperson Steve Clark said that University leaders discovered the tape on Tuesday (though it was posted last fall), but as soon as they had learned of the video, were going to take action. "Oh, so THIS is when you take action," responded all of the rape victims at colleges across the country. 

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This Week's Advice

Hey, TWIS- I think I might be into my best friend, and I'm completely torn up about it. We've been friends for years, and I've always had boyfriends since we became friends. She's gay, and despite a couple of experimental drunk threesomes, I was under the impression that I was mostly straight. But after my boyfriend and I split recently, she was consoling me one night and I was crying and we drank and I woke up in bed with her. We haven't really addressed it since it happened, and she just started seeing someone else, but I can't stop thinking about it, it was so hot. And now I feel really awkward and ashamed every time I'm around her. I'm afraid to bring it up with her because I can't afford to lose her friendship right now, but every time I'm around her, all I can't think about is the time we hooked up. My break up has been really painful, and she's helped me so much so far, I really need her right now. But, my feelings are becoming fairly overwhelming. Should I talk to her, or should I just let all of this subside and wait it out? -Confused And Sad

Hey, CAS- I'd give it some time. You're going through a break up, you're vulnerable, and I'd imagine it's hard to discern what are genuine feelings and just feelings of appreciation and seeking validation. It can be such a turn on to know that someone finds you attractive, too. Take some time and be honest with yourself- do you want to date her? Could you see yourself with her? Or are you just craving to fill the gaping wound left by your last relationship? It's common for us to want to quickly replace someone we've lost, but that's usually not the best answer, because every person is going to fulfill a different role in your life, and it'll always disappoint- like trying to replace Nutella with a spicy tuna roll. I'd give yourself time to grieve your last relationship before proclaiming your love for your friend. However, it might put your mind at ease in the meantime to at least get it out in the open. Let her know, "Hey, Susan/Sally/Barbara/Moesha, hooking up with you was really hot. And you've been an awesome friend. I may or may not want it to happen again, but in the meantime, I should probably wait to actually get over my ex. But if it happened again, I wouldn't be bummed." If she responds, "Sorry, that was a one-time taco party," then you'll know it's not going to happen, anyway, and you can go back to merely appreciating her friendship, rather than her heaving bossom. But, if it really was that hot for you, chances are it was hot for her, too, and unless either of you have an excellent reason otherwise, it's probably naturally going to happen again, anyway. Just sort your shit out before diving into something new and risk losing your good buddy.

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Hey, TWIS- I'm a teenager living in a rural area with my very Christian family. My mom recently discovered my goody drawer, and threw everything out (that she-wolf). This included my vibrator and condoms. I bought that vibrator when my friends and I took a trip to the nearest big city (which took a lot of convincing my parents), and I don't live anywhere near a place that sells that kind of shit and my parents are very weird about me borrowing the car. I also don't want to take all the trouble to go and buy another one, just to have my mom toss it again. What should I do? Is it worth buying another one? How do I keep her the fuck out of my business? -Teen In Trouble

Hey, TIT- I'm sorry about your situation, I can imagine how frustrating that must be. If I were you, I wouldn't want to let my mom dictate my sexual practices, especially if you aren't hurting yourself or anyone around you. Whether it's worth it to you is your call, but if it were me, I'd take another road trip with my friends, get the hell out of dodge for a few days, don't drink and drive, and buy a new vibrator and condoms. Then, when you get back, keep a lock box in your room with a key that's either on you at all times, or hidden extremely well. If it's worth it to you and you think it might help, you could have a diplomatic conversation with your mother where you express that you feel like she doesn't trust you and it makes you uncomfortable, that you respect her and want to have a healthy relationship with her, and in order for that to happen, she needs to respect your privacy and trust you. But if you feel like there's no way this conversation would help, then you can just stick to lying and the well-hidden key for now. And remember to apply to colleges far away, with good financial aid and/or scholarship options.  

 

Way Over the Line

Administrators at the University of New Mexico were forced to apologize this week for their Women's Resource Center's effort to minimize sexual assault and instill safe sex practices. The center held "Celebrate Sex Week at UNM," which included workshops with titles such as "How to be a Gentleman AND Get Laid," "Negotiating Successful Threesomes," and, "BJs and Beyond." The vice president for student affairs made a formal apology for the workshops, for "going over the line." Incidentally, "Going Over the Line" was also one of their workshops.

Senator Mark Kirk and Representative Ann Wagner are among numerous lawmakers trying to pass a piece of legislation that would stop child trafficking, but face opposition from big tech companies. The SAVE Act would shut down and prevent advertisements for child prostitutes online, and penalize website owners up to ten years in prison for running those ads. A vice president at Interactive Advertising Bureau Mike Zaneis said that though his group (that represents major tech companies like Yahoo and Google) is opposed to child trafficking, they're worried that the bill would "threaten the integrity of the internet." What Zaneis was forgetting at the time of his statement is that the internet is largely made up of images like this:

Buzzfeed

This week in fucked, Texan women are. Thirteen abortion clinics in Texas closed overnight, due to a federal court sending a harsh new anti-abortion bill into effect. Between this law and another provision recently passed, about 80 percent of the state's 44 abortion clinics have closed within the last year, leaving more abortion clinics than actual women who want to live in Texas. 

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THIS WEEK'S ADVICE

Dear TWIS, I've been with my boyfriend for about three years now. I love him a lot; we even have talked about getting married. I feel like we're a really good couple. But for the past couple months, whenever we have sex, he can't stay hard. He just started a new job and has been under a lot of pressure lately, but it's still frustrating, and I find myself looking at other men, which makes me feel terrible. What can I do, if anything, to make this situation better? -Horny and Sad

Dear HAS, That's very frustrating, I feel for you. There are two main places that his dong is connected to: his body, and his mind (duh). What's going on with both of those? Does he exercise regularly? Does he drink a lot, or take bong rips all day? Does he feel good about his body? There are all sorts of factors that can physically inhibit a boner, I'd start deducing there. Then there's the mental/emotional element: is he depressed, or excessively stressed? Do you both trust each other? Also, are you both still in love with each other, and have chemistry? I know it's an uncomfortable conversation, but you'll have to talk to him to find out what's going on, and ask if there's anything you can do. You don't want to push or shame him, or make him feel bad, because that obviously won't alleviate the situation. However, you both have needs that have to get met, and his choices affect you, too. Also, maybe you guys could take sex off the table for a little while. Straight men are always so ready to jam their wangs into you, that foreplay often goes forgotten. Maybe you guys could start getting each other off in other ways, and connecting with each other; then there won't be quite so much pressure on him to perform. I'd suggest more foreplay, less emphasis on sex, and a diplomatic conversation to get to the root of his flailing root.  

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Hey TWIS, I feel like my boyfriend and I are not on the same page. We've been exclusively seeing each other for a couple months, and it still feels like I'm always calling him to hang out. We only see each other a couple times a week, and I'd like to see him more often than that, but he's said he's fine with where things are. I don't want to break up with him; when he we hang out, we have a lot of fun together. But I don't like feeling like I'm always the one initiating. How do I talk to him about it? Am I being unreasonable, or too needy? -Needy White Girl

Hey NWG, the funny thing about being a woman is that we're taught to be constantly afraid of being too needy or too crazy our whole lives, that it often turns us into insecure, crazy monsters. Every woman, like every person, in general, has different wants, desires, needs in a relationship. Some of us want to see our boyfriends every day. Some of us want a guy we can screw once a week. Some of us like to eat pussy. We're a whole cornucopia of needs; that's what makes the intricately woven fabric that is womanhood. The trick to dealing with those needs is to understand who you are, what you want, and how to articulate what you want and need in a way that doesn't alienate your partner. You definitely need to talk to the bf; can you guys come to a compromise about how often you see each other, or who calls whom? Maybe you guys could trade off. Maybe you do all the calling and pumice his calluses on Thursdays, and he cooks, cleans, and braids your hair on Tuesdays. I'd suggest you guys discuss, and come to an understanding about what type of relationship you both are expecting/wanting/needing. And if you've talked it over, and you still feel like a miserable needy teenager in a couple months, then you two might just not be a good fit, and better hop on the expressway to Friendshipville, or even Acquaintancetown. 

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Hey TWIS, I'm a straight girl in my twenties who's never been with a woman. I'm definitely mostly straight- I love having sex with men, but recently, I've starting looking at more women sexually. I don't think I could be in a relationship with a woman, but before I settle down, I'd like to at least try hooking up with a woman. The problem is, I don't really know how to initiate that. Any time women have hit on me, I haven't really been attracted to them, and in the very few instances I've actually been attracted to a woman, they've mostly been straight, or in a relationship. There aren't any lesbian bars in my city, and I'm not sure if I really want to use the internet (I don't use the internet for meeting men, either). What are some other ways I can give this a shot? -Pussy Curious

Dear PC, It's cool that we live in an age when people are allowed to acknowledge their natural feelings, not be scared of them, and learn how to act on them in a healthy way; I applaud you for that. Meeting women for anybody is tough. Meeting people through friends is always a good way to start. It'll also be harder, given that you're not really gay, you're just curious. Some people might be put off by that, but not all. You could take classes, go to clubs, join a community softball team. If you live in a town with no gay bars and aren't willing to use the internet, it could take longer for you to discover what puss might be right under your nose. Whether we like it or not, we live in an age where the internet is quickly becoming a more viable and less scary option to meet people, especially since more "normal" (i.e. non-ax murderers and psychopaths) are using these mediums, and we're living in an age with less human interaction. But, if you want to try out for the other team the old fashioned way, you're going to have to go out a lot, find lots of ways to meet people, and really put yourself out there, often in uncomfortable ways. It might take longer, with the more stipulations you have. Do you know anyone that could set you up, or any friends that might be bi-curious? You could start there.

Need dating, sex, and relationship advice? Submit your letters anonymously here (under "Anonymous Letters" at www.rosefinn.com). 

Kansas, The British, and Sexual Frustration

In an effort to decrease the $238 million funding gap in Kansas, the Kansas Department of Revenue seized inventory from "Bang," a chain of sex toy stores that owes $163,986 in back taxes. The state will hold an auction this upcoming Monday, selling everything from fantasy love swings to vibrating thongs, and the money raised will goes towards the state deficit. Subsequently, Kansas' license plate motto will change to "home of the pulsating taint." 

The British are having less sex, and are less content with their sex lives, says a recent study from The Observer. The study found that the average British adult has sex four times a month, down from when the study was done in 2008, when the average was seven times per month. The study also concluded that 63% of survey takers were satisfied with their sex lives, down from 76% in 2008. Some social experts have concluded that the only way to alleviate this social problem is with their new campaign; "Less Black Tea, More English Muffin." 

Minnesota's largest newspaper, The Star Tribune, is under major scrutiny for publishing a full-page anti-transgender ad, from the Minnesota Child Protection League, a known anti-LGBT group. The ad intends to prevent the Minnesota State High School League from administering an equal-rights policy for their transgender athletes. The ad says, "A male wants to shower beside your 14-year-old daughter. Are YOU okay with that?" "Sure," responded all of the nation's drunk, shitty dads.

http://trendysturvsblog.com/

http://trendysturvsblog.com/

THIS WEEK'S ADVICE

Hey TWIS, My partner is fantastic at oral sex, but of course that means they've had lots of practice, presumably. How do I get past this and enjoy it without the mental weight that follows. -Conflicted

Hey Conflicted, Your partner is fantastic at oral sex, that's awesome. Score one for you! "Practice" can come in many forms; they may have been with one person for five years, who has a similar vagina/penis that you do, and happens to really like getting licked up and down/finger fucked the same way. Or, they could have been with a lot of people, picking up tips and tricks along the (hopefully proverbial) road. But generally, being good at oral doesn't necessarily mean that person has had a lot of partners; often times communication gets overlooked if you're having a lot of casual encounters, and no substantive relationships. Your word, "Presumably," means to me that you haven't talked with your partner much about their past sex life. If their past is really giving you "mental weight," then maybe ask your partner about how many people they've been with. However, your insecurities are your own issue; unless your partner is the type to tell you you're ugly and to make them a sandwich after they give you great head, it sounds like these are your own insecurities about not being good enough in bed, or being stacked up against past lovers. If sheer number of partners is all that's giving you that proceeding "mental weight," and not them treating you poorly or making you feel like you're not good enough, I'd advise you let go of that unnecessary baggage, work on your own self-esteem, and enjoy the shit out of that great head, while you have it.

Hey TWIS, I recently started seeing this guy who's really nice and awesome, and I've been staying at his house periodically for the past couple of weeks. The problem is that whenever we make out and fool around, I start getting turned on, but he cools off, and we just end up snuggling. We haven't had sex yet, or even gotten each other off, and he doesn't seem interested in taking it any further. I leave his place sexually frustrated and confused. Am I doing something that's turning him off? I really like him and want to keep seeing him, but I can't tell what's going on, and don't know how to bring it up. -Hot and bothered 

Hey Hot, Either he's turned off by something you're doing, or has some sexual hold-ups and is not communicating that with you, or he might just not be as sexual as you are. Either way, you're going to have to bring it up with him, or you'll just keep stewing in hurt, confusion, and sexual frustration that will eventually boil your soul. You don't want to put him on the defense, but you also want to get your point across, and get your needs met. Something like, "Hey, are you attracted to me? Would you be interested in going further than we have been?" will at least open the dialogue. It sounds like there's a chance you're just not sexually compatible, and you should be prepared that you two might be better as friends; and that's nothing against either one of you; it does not make you undesirable, or him a lesser man. 

Need dating, sex, and relationship advice? Send your letters here (or under "Anonymous Letters" at www.rosefinn.com).