Republican Presidential candidate Ted Cruz made a statement this week, saying that Democrats are manipulating the public into believing that Republicans are trying to limit women's birth control access. "Last I checked, we don't have a rubber shortage here in America. Look, when I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom, you put 50 cents in and voila." It was later confirmed that the machine Cruz was referring to was actually his main source of sexual interaction in college, that he affectionately named "Wanda."

After three teenage boys sexually assaulted a drunk, passed out girl in a treehouse at a house party in Washington, the three, now 18-year-old boys will not have to register themselves as sex offenders. They were sentenced to a year of community supervision, as well as 20 days of juvenile detention. It was noted in court that after the judge gave his sentence, he high-fived the boys, and offered to buy them Coronas at the nearby Sizzler.

A 24-year-old Portland man named Daniel Kowatch was arrested this week for breaking into homes and stealing women's underwear. And we'd just like to say, Daniel Kowatch, if you're reading this: You'd be doing me a damn favor; get this shit out of my closet. I'll leave the back door open- be in touch! Xoxo

Senate Republicans are still on track to propose and push through their bill this week to take apart "Obamacare," as well as defund Planned Parenthood. Republicans are using a tactic called "Reconciliation," which allows them to push bill through with 51 votes, rather than the mandated 60. This bill was introduced earlier this year, in conjunction with a Republican-backed accusation that Planned Parenthood is guilty of selling "aborted baby parts," though there's been no evidence that is is true. Coincidentally, this is also what Mitch McConnell's wife calls his genitals.