Do They Come with Chips?

A recent survey from the British Medical Journal uncovered that British people are having less sex now than in recent years, with nearly a third of women and men not having had sex in the past month. The study also found that less than half of 16-44 year-olds have had sex at least once a week. The decline hit those in their mid-life the hardest, otherwise known as the “sandwich generation.” Researchers hypothesized that their lackluster sex lives were due to their meaty middles and crusty exteriors.

A British law passed that mandates all pornography sites will be required to “carry out robust age-verification checks” on British users to ensure that children are not exposed to pornography. This new law will require that porn viewers dole out incriminating, personal information about themselves to access any porn sites. However, the new law will be easy to bypass via sites that don’t require age verification checks, such as Twitter, Reddit, or Imgur, and sites from other countries, so I guess this was a huge fucking waste of time and money.

A study published in the journal Sexual Medicine discovered that women who smoked weed before sex were twice as likely to report having “satisfactory” orgasms than those who remained sober. The study participants cited some reasons for their increased pleasure included:

  • They felt the whole Earth, man

  • Their partner’s penis felt like a wizard’s staff, guiding them toward a majestic sea cave where a talking walrus told them the secret to solving climate change

  • Todd seemed like, way hotter for some reason

California is in the process of being the first state to overhaul its sexual education programming in public schools, offering more in-depth, sex-positive curriculum. The program will include middle school masturbation discussions that debunk any harmful myths, and puberty talks with transgender students, aiming to create an inclusive atmosphere for all gender identities. A few hundred protesters gathered in Sacramento this month in opposition to the expanded education program, angry that the school system is attempting to make their children happy and healthy when they spent all this time trying to make them miserable and diseased.

An article written by a high school student for the Bear Creek school newspaper became viral, instigated a legal battle between the newspaper and the district, and caused quite a stir across the country before it was even published. The article was a profile of a student at the school who makes sex videos. The article triggered numerous responses; some of outrage, some sent money. One woman sent $100 and asked for a sneak peak of the article, but she was also British and about to run out of porn.

Meanwhile, This Spring...

The Swedish government passed a bill explicitly stating that sex without consent is rape. Prior to this bill, the law stated that rape was only committed if the victim was violently threatened or coerced into a sexual act. This makes Sweden the 10th European nation to outlaw sex without complete consent. Meanwhile in the US, Russia recently dropped a fat Trump on our chests, without consent.  

The largest orgy in history took place on June 2nd in Las Vegas, hosted by the Erotic Heritage Museum and Menage Life. The museum's executive director, Dr. Victoria Hartmann, conducted a "qualitative research project during the orgy to help fill holes in the study of the evolution of group sex." The study was reportedly not the only one having its holes filled that weekend- OUCH!  

Lola, an all-natural personal care company, recently introduced a gluten-free line of condoms. Most condoms are already gluten-free; however, some use personal lubricants that sometimes contain gluten. Experts warn that those with celiac disease should refrain from using lubricants containing glutenbut recommend that everyone else should vigorously rub a baguette all over their genitals. 

In a recent interview with Dr. Ruth Westheimer, a German-born American sex therapist, Shana Liebowitz from Business Insider asked Dr. Ruth what were the three most common issues she's seen in her numerous years of sex advice. These issues included difficulty around orgasm, unrealistic expectations, and boredom. Westheimer said, "The first step to fighting boredom is to recognize it. One clue is that you're always tired even though there's no particular cause." Another way to recognize you're bored is if you prefer to binge The Great British Bake Off instead of schtup your boyfriend. 

House Method, a housing design website, took a survey of over 1,000 people in a relationship and discovered a higher rate of satisfaction with couples that have sex in rooms in the house other than the bedroom. Scientists speculate that this could be because some couples are so fucking sick of seeing those brown sheets your mother gave you 15 YEARS AGO, ROBERT. 

Three ex-Comcast employees armed with over 4,000 signatures stormed Comcast headquarters in early May demanding the company change its culture of sexual harassment. All three employees experienced frequent and unchecked sexual harassment. Said one of the three women Rylinda Rhodes, "I had one co-worker walk into my cubicle and literally grab my breast." It was later clarified that that was a standard business tactic, called "The White House Tug-a-Lug."

A new poll from the University of Michigan found that seniors still have sex, and still show high rates of sexual satisfaction. 73 percent of those aged between 65 and 80 reported being satisfied with their sex lives. Half of the men surveyed said they were either "very" or "extremely" interested in sex, while only 12 percent of women said the same. Coincidentally, the 87 percent of women who reported being less interested in sex had all seen an 80-year-old penis that day. 

I Guess This Explains All the Bad Sweaters

Grindr (the world's largest gay dating app) changed its software this week to incorporate frequent, friendly reminders for its users to get tested for HIV. This new change will also allow for local clinics and gay community centers to advertise for free. The CDC recommends that sexually active gay men get tested at least once a year, and those having high-risk sex get tested every 3 to 6 months. Anyone even looking at Ron Jeremy right now should probably sprint to the nearest clinic. 

Jurors from Bill Cosby's trial recently discovered 2005 transcripts where Cosby told the police that he never had intercourse with any of the 60 women that accused him of drugging and raping them. During a 2005 questioning, Lt. Richard Pethel asked Cosby, "So you never had intercourse with Andrea? Why didn't you?" To which Cosby replied, "I don't like it." Lt. Pethel then replied, "Well, Bill, you BOTH gotta be awake," and Cosby said, "Ooooohhhhh." 

A recent survey of over 2,000 Americans by OnePoll and PureRomance uncovered a number of uncomfortable truths about sexual encounters; 56 percent of those surveyed have had awkward or terrible first sexual encounters with a partner. 72 percent of those have taught their partners new positions and how they liked to be touched, while the other 28 percent continues to blindly poke and slap each other in the dark.

A study by the Guttmacher Institute found that while global abortion rates have declined in the past 25 years, countries with more restrictive abortion laws have higher rates of abortion. The study also found that abortion rates were lower in countries with easier access to birth control. "Gee, ya think?" replied everybody with a brain. 

A researcher from Florida Atlantic University studying primates at Gombe National Park in Tanzania published a study showing that two different species of guenon monkeys have been mating for potentially thousands of years. However, guenons are not the first to have been seen inter-species mating; the macaque ape has been spotted mating with deer numerous times, which also happened to be the weirdest Sunday family outing the Johnson family has ever seen. 

Let's Get Caught Up

February-

Though HIV cases have soared 3,147 percent in the last ten years in the Philippines, Filipino president Rodrigo Duterte advised the population to stop using condoms because "it is not satisfying." In a public address, he popped a candy in his mouth, saying, "Here, try eating it without unwrapping it... That's what a condom is like." The AIDS virus responded in a tweet; "@RodrigoDuterte- you my everything." 

News organization NPR implemented new policies after numerous sexual assault claims (many of which involved former newsroom leader Michael Oreskes). Their new measures to stave off sexual assault cases include mandating their HR head report directly to their CEO, improving HR management and hiring processes, and making employees listen to "All Things Considered" until their genitals start to resemble a Craisin

Michael Feinberg, co-founder of KIPP (one of the largest and most successful U.S. charter school chains) was dismissed from his own company upon being accused of sexually abusing a student twenty years ago, as well as sexually harassing two of his employees. The other co-founder, David Levin, commented, "To reconcile what we've learned as a result of this investigation and the evidence that's been presented to us with the work I've known him to do is very hard." Levin continued, shaking his head; "Almost as hard as Feinberg is when he sees a jump rope or braces."

A recent survey of over 2,000 adults by sex toy company EdenFantasys uncovered that the average American couple has sex for 69 minutes a week, and schedules sex with their partner 6 times per month. The study also found that 3 percent of participants claimed to have sex more than 30 times per month, while 12 percent said their number was closer to zero. 100 percent of Mitch McConnell can't remember what his own penis looks like. 

March- 

The French government proposed to change the legal age of consent to 15 in reaction to two prominent cases where 11-year-old girls were raped. One case from November was a 30-year-old man getting acquitted after raping an 11-year-old girl because the court determined there had been "no violence, coercion, threat, or surprise." Responded the 11-year-old girl, "Um, actually there were ALL of those things- it was a RAPE, not a croissant party."   

Ever since former producer of NBC's "Today" show Noah Kotch became Fox News' website editor in June 2017, the website has covered a rising number of articles about female sex offenders, though there isn't an overall rise in female sex offenders. Kotch defended their skewed coverage; "We don't cover sex crimes like statisticians. We cover what's interesting for the reader." Kotch continued, "Geez, what do you think we are, a news organization or somethin'?" 

A study conducted by the Kaiser Permanente research institute in Seattle and the University of Minnesota discovered that over-the-counter gels worked equally well as hormone replacement pills for menopausal women experiencing pain during sex. Researchers speculate that the reason menopausal women experience dryness during sex is because they don't feel ANYTHING for you anymore, Hank. 

A new study from UC San Francisco revealed that women who ride bicycles regularly reported higher sexual satisfaction than women who did not. In related news, this rider needs to go hit the crank and put some pedal to the metal.

I Want a DeVorse

Education secretary Betsy DeVos got sued by Victims' rights and women's rights groups this week for violating federal law with a guide she issued to college campuses last year, instructing them on how to handle sexual assault cases. Fatima Goss Graves, the president of the National Women's Law Center, argued that DeVos' policy "discriminates against women and girls and makes it harder for them to learn in a safe environment." DeVos argues that her guide is paving the way for her upcoming campus policy, titled, "Fuck women, who needs 'em!" 

Music mogul Russell Simmons is being sued for sexual battery and rape. The victim, Jennifer Jarosik, was friends with Simmons until she claimed that Simmons raped her at his home in 2011. In the past two months, 10 other women have come forward to accuse Simmons of rape or sexual misconduct, which has incited a police investigation. Upon hearing of this, President Trump and Harvey Weinstein reportedly texted Simmons "Welcome to the club," whilst smoking cigars, sipping brandy and measuring their cocks.    

Sex toy brand EdenFantasys recently conducted a survey of over 2,000 people, which revealed that while as many as 40 percent of Americans claim to be kinky, 27 percent of people in relationships have a secret sex act in mind, but have yet to bring it up with their partner. 23 percent say that this is because there's just never a good time to bring up anal. 

The annual Singles in America survey conducted by Match.com and Research Now just came out, which found that sexual satisfaction increases as you age. The survey found that sex is best for women at age 66, and 64 for men, and people over 50 and 60 reported higher levels of sexual enjoyment. Sex therapist Emily deAyala explained, "Feeling comfortable with your body is a part of it, but older individuals are more likely to speak up about what they like and dislike." "You're telling me," responded all the waiters in America. 

ANOTHER recent study out of George Mason University found a correlation between people finding meaning in their lives and having sex. A study of 152 participants discovered that those that had frequent sex reported finding their days to be meaningful more frequently. This explains Paul Ryan's new memoir, "The Meaninglessness of Existence." 

AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

Coach Fredericks Could Not be More Relieved

While American sexual education becomes more abstinence-only focused, feminist sex toy stores are taking sex ed into their own hands. Between the recent uptick in sexuality studies and the prevalence of feminist, sex-positive sex shops and their educational seminars and classes, sex shops seem to be the future of sex ed for American teens. "Phew," responded America's gym teachers.

Popular porn site PornHub is now making sex toys that can sync up with their "interactive" porn videos. Their three new toys include the Virtual Rabbit vibrator, the Virtual Blowbot Stroker Masturbation Assistant, and the Virtual Blowbot Turbo Stroker. The toys can also sync up with other PornHub toys for tandem enjoyment. In related news, romance died this week. 

A recent study from University College London discovered that British teens are more likely to hack websites than drink, do drugs, or have sex. These statistics have been backed up by prior research suggesting that the current generation of British youths are the cleanest in history. Meanwhile, America's millennials are engulfed in well whiskey, fucking their way through tinder and poverty. 

As virtual reality begins to take off in various formats, internet porn site CamSoda recently launched it's tri-fold platform- "virtual intercourse with real people." This involves VR, "teledildonics" (mentioned above), and 'RealDolls' that simulate sex with a webcam model. Prolonged feelings of emptiness and weeping rag sold separately. 

James Franco is the most recent Hollywoodite to be implicated in sexual misconduct allegations. Five women have come forward to detail their experiences of how he used and abused his power to sexually assault his female acting students. The actor was also criticized for wearing a "TimesUp" pin at the Golden Globes, which was part of a movement to eliminate gender discrimination in Hollywood. Though to Franco's credit, he thought "TimesUp" referred to a game he plays with his acting students called "Times Up- let's see that vagina."

Maybe There's Something in the Curry

According to a recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, women who are living in rural areas are more likely to have sex at a younger age than women in urban areas. 51.2% of rural women between the ages of 18 and 44 reported having had their first sexual intercourse at age 16, while 41.7% of urban women were able to say the same. The research also discovered that rural women were more likely to use more effective means of birth control than urban women, partially due to the fact that they were NOT trying to have a kid with Burger King Johnny... not again.

This week, InTouch magazine published excerpts from porn star Stormy Daniels' interview describing an affair she had with Donald Trump in 2006. The interview details her experience after Trump asked her out at a 2006 golf tournament, while Melania was pregnant with one of his stupid sons. When Daniels arrived at his hotel room, he was wearing sweatpants and watching TV. She excused herself to the bathroom at one point, and came out, seeing Trump sitting on the bed, asking her to join him. "Ugh, here we go," Daniels reported having thought at the time, which is ironically what 51% of America was thinking on November 9th, 2016

Researchers at McGill University found that women reported more brain activity than men while being sexually aroused. The authors of the paper wrote, "The finding was unexpected because most previous research has suggested that the correlations between genital response and subjective arousal are stronger for men." "Whoa, research from the past favored men? Weird..." said only morons. 

Dutch company LegalThings launched beta testing of their fledgling app LegalFling last week, which would be "the first blockchain-based app to verify explicit consent before having sex." LegalFling users can input their preferences, including STD screening, condom use, and photography. The app also asks you whether or not you'd like to have any sort of real, spontaneous, romantic occurrence ever again.  

A survey taken in December of over 3,000 men and women from dating site SaucyDates found that American men could last the longest during sex, compared with Canadians, Australians, Brits, and Indians. Indian men responded defensively, "It's because we're not weighed down by all that greasy cow meat like you assholes."

A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy last summer revealed that 36 percent of women need clitoral stimulation to climax, while another 36 percent did not need it, but had a more intense orgasm with clitoral stimulation. Another 36 percent will never have an orgasm again if you wear those cargo shorts one more time.

At Some Point, You're Going to Have to Tell Him

On Monday, India's Supreme Court decided to review their ban on homosexual sex. Some Indian families are against homosexuality purely out of fear that it would interfere with the institution of marriage. Marriage is commonly a social agreement between families in India, and they don't want ANYTHING standing in the way of Reyansh getting out of the fucking house already. 

According to new research, climate change severely impacts the sex lives of numerous reptile species. As global temperatures rise, entire populations of species are endangered of becoming all male or all female, as their sex is determined by temperature. In warming waters like the northern edge of the Great Barrier Reef, the sea turtle population is now 99 percent female. When asked to comment on this change, Elaine the sea turtle responded, "Gotta say, it's kinda chill."

Popular porn site PornHub reported a record number of views for "women-friendly" content in 2017. "Porn For Women" was recorded as the "top trending search," increasing 1,400 percent from years prior, while "Lesbian" porn continues to dominate as the leading search. Top researchers speculate that this incline happened because Josh STILL can't find your fucking clit.  

You May Have Missed:

President Trump's attempt to ban transgendered people from the military was further thwarted after the Pentagon released its first-ever detailed outline specifying how transgendered folks can enter into the military. The memo details that anyone entering into the military is allowed to specify their preferred gender, and will access the same rights and privileges as everyone else, though Melania is still trapped in a prison of her own making. 

A Milwaukee Catholic priest made headlines after coming out as gay to his congregation, and in a lengthy essay for the National Catholic Reporter. Despite the standing ovation he received after coming out to this congregation, some church members were hesitant to accept his outing; "He made a choice to walk in Christ's shoes, because he's not going to be accepted by everyone," responded one parishioner Shawn Govern. Govern continued, "I know I won't be able to accept his gayness until he gives me a really great blowjob." 

In December, the Indonesian government raided a gay bathhouse in Jakarta, arresting over 140 men, as a part of their recent attempt to start heavily criminalizing homosexuality. Up until 2016, homosexuality was generally tolerated in Indonesia, but due to pressure from fundamentalist Muslim groups, the number of arrests and incarcerations has grown to "unprecedented numbers." In provinces like Aceh where Shariah law is enforced, gay men have even been publicly caned; a practice founded by Abe Simpson.       

It Helps Wash Down the Noodles

Three of President Trump's sexual assault accusers and 56 female Democratic lawmakers called upon Congress this week to investigate all of Trump's 17 sexual assault claims. In a letter to the House oversight committee, the Democratic Women's Working Group wrote, "We cannot ignore the multitude of women who have come forward with accusations against Mr. Trump." "But of course we can, mwahaha," Responded President Dumpsterfire.

Last Tuesday, People magazine published a photo of President Trump with his arm around former People journalist Natasha Stoynoff, taken on the same day in 2005 that Stoynoff claims Trump pushed her against a wall and shoved his tongue down her throat without consent. Trump denied knowing her, or even having met her prior to this photo being published. White House Spokesperson Sarah "The Huck" Huckabee Sanders defended Trump's denial on Tuesday afternoon; "Simply stating you don't know someone means that you don't have a relationship with them." The Huck continued, "And if you don't say you don't have a relationship with him, then you can't not say he didn't try, y'knamean?" as she moonwalked off the press conference stage.

US Senator Chuck Schumer's sexual misconduct claim was exposed as false this week, after his alleged victim denied the draft legal document claiming he'd assaulted her. "My signature is forged, and even basic facts about me are wrong," said the woman, who was a former staff member of Schumer's. She has since contacted law enforcement to find out who was responsible for posing as her. The Washington Post has produced ample evidence correlating this sting operation to Project Veritas, a non-profit attempting to expose wrongdoings and fake news within liberal non-profits and the news media. According to the Project Veritas website, it is "The most effective non-profit on the national scene, period." It also claims to be "huge," and will "grab every other non-profit by the pussy."

A 22-year-old man in Austintown, Ohio was arrested this week for trying to have sex with a 15-year-old by offering him chicken Alfredo and Sprite. Youngstown State University student Albert George Maruna IV started messaging with an undercover police officer whom he thought was a 15-year-old boy on a dating app on December 5th. When asked why he chose those items, Maruna responded, "Well I wasn't going to bring ragù." 

This month's highlights:

A police report revealed that a couple on a Detroit-bound Delta flight last month were engaging in sex underneath an airplane blanket right next to a sleeping passenger. Eyewitnesses said they recognized what was going on immediately due to the fact that airplane blankets are roughly the size of butterfly. 

While the debate over whether or not sex addiction is a real condition forges on in the medical community, recently outed sociopaths-I mean-sex offenders Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey recently sought out treatment for sex addiction. Weinstein described himself as embarking on a "journey... to learn about myself and conquer my demons," he said as he dribbled cum all over a mélange of prostitutes.

Was it a First Edition Princess Bear?

Leader of Britain's House of Commons Andrea Leadsom demanded a "zero tolerance" policy in response to numerous recent allegations of sexual harassment within British Parliament. Prime Minister Theresa May wrote to the House of Commons speaker demanding a more regulated system in regards to reprimanding sexual harassment, noting that the current system "does not have the required teeth." That also incidentally describes most of the British Parliament.  

According to a recent study out of Stanford University, regular pot smokers have 20% more sex than non-pot smokers. One potential theory as to why pot users often had sex for longer was that they couldn't remember if they came or not.

Actor Anthony Rapp accused Kevin Spacey last weekend of sexually assaulting him when Rapp was 14. Rapp said they were at an after party for a Broadway show they both were in when Spacey came into the room where Rapp was watching TV and drunkenly laid on top of him, grabbed his arms, and tried to seduce him. Spacey claimed; "I honestly do not remember the encounter, it would have been over 30 years ago." Spacey continued, "I can't even remember who I raped-I mean-what I ate five minutes ago."

A woman in Florida was arrested last week upon offering an undercover cop oral sex in exchange for $5 and a teddy bear Beanie Baby. When asked why a Beanie Baby, the woman responded, "Because it reminds me of a time in my life when I wasn't addicted to meth."

A former employee of Salt Lake County jail is suing Salt Lake county for ongoing sexual harassment and gender discrimination. Sherie Peek worked at the jail for over 14 years, experiencing ongoing sexual harassment from her manager, Mark Ellsworth, as well as discrimination from her co-workers. Ellsworth started sending her suggestive e-mails after Peek's first couple years, where he said things like, "I really was hoping to see things get physical," and that he knew "how to make a woman happy in bed." Ellsworth would then finish his e-mails with; "Ha-ha, I can say whatever I want because I'm your boss, nanny nanny boo boo thppbbthhh." 

The winner of a UK reality show "Come Dine With Me" narrowly avoided jail time this week after admitting to her friend online that she had sex with a 15-year-old. On the day of the encounter last year, the teenager went over to show winner Lucy Haughey's house upon being invited, and told his mom he was "going to play football." When interviewed later about his lie, the teenager shrugged and responded, "Well, it's certainly not called soccer."

According to a book recently published by political economist Janice Zarro Brodman, Americans are unusually uptight about sex. Brodman recently published a book titled, Sex Rules; Astonishing Sexual Practices and Gender Roles Around the World, where she exposes the subjectivity of what's normal during her extensive research throughout her world travels. Brodman noted that the Trobriand tribe's philosophy is that "sex between young people is perfectly fine. But you must not, dare not, have a meal together!" This was found to be because once you've watched a teenage boy with betel nut-stained teeth down an entire fish with its head intact, you'll never want to fuck again.