At Some Point, You're Going to Have to Tell Him

On Monday, India's Supreme Court decided to review their ban on homosexual sex. Some Indian families are against homosexuality purely out of fear that it would interfere with the institution of marriage. Marriage is commonly a social agreement between families in India, and they don't want ANYTHING standing in the way of Reyansh getting out of the fucking house already. 

According to new research, climate change severely impacts the sex lives of numerous reptile species. As global temperatures rise, entire populations of species are endangered of becoming all male or all female, as their sex is determined by temperature. In warming waters like the northern edge of the Great Barrier Reef, the sea turtle population is now 99 percent female. When asked to comment on this change, Elaine the sea turtle responded, "Gotta say, it's kinda chill."

Popular porn site PornHub reported a record number of views for "women-friendly" content in 2017. "Porn For Women" was recorded as the "top trending search," increasing 1,400 percent from years prior, while "Lesbian" porn continues to dominate as the leading search. Top researchers speculate that this incline happened because Josh STILL can't find your fucking clit.  

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President Trump's attempt to ban transgendered people from the military was further thwarted after the Pentagon released its first-ever detailed outline specifying how transgendered folks can enter into the military. The memo details that anyone entering into the military is allowed to specify their preferred gender, and will access the same rights and privileges as everyone else, though Melania is still trapped in a prison of her own making. 

A Milwaukee Catholic priest made headlines after coming out as gay to his congregation, and in a lengthy essay for the National Catholic Reporter. Despite the standing ovation he received after coming out to this congregation, some church members were hesitant to accept his outing; "He made a choice to walk in Christ's shoes, because he's not going to be accepted by everyone," responded one parishioner Shawn Govern. Govern continued, "I know I won't be able to accept his gayness until he gives me a really great blowjob." 

In December, the Indonesian government raided a gay bathhouse in Jakarta, arresting over 140 men, as a part of their recent attempt to start heavily criminalizing homosexuality. Up until 2016, homosexuality was generally tolerated in Indonesia, but due to pressure from fundamentalist Muslim groups, the number of arrests and incarcerations has grown to "unprecedented numbers." In provinces like Aceh where Shariah law is enforced, gay men have even been publicly caned; a practice founded by Abe Simpson.