It Helps Wash Down the Noodles

Three of President Trump's sexual assault accusers and 56 female Democratic lawmakers called upon Congress this week to investigate all of Trump's 17 sexual assault claims. In a letter to the House oversight committee, the Democratic Women's Working Group wrote, "We cannot ignore the multitude of women who have come forward with accusations against Mr. Trump." "But of course we can, mwahaha," Responded President Dumpsterfire.

Last Tuesday, People magazine published a photo of President Trump with his arm around former People journalist Natasha Stoynoff, taken on the same day in 2005 that Stoynoff claims Trump pushed her against a wall and shoved his tongue down her throat without consent. Trump denied knowing her, or even having met her prior to this photo being published. White House Spokesperson Sarah "The Huck" Huckabee Sanders defended Trump's denial on Tuesday afternoon; "Simply stating you don't know someone means that you don't have a relationship with them." The Huck continued, "And if you don't say you don't have a relationship with him, then you can't not say he didn't try, y'knamean?" as she moonwalked off the press conference stage.

US Senator Chuck Schumer's sexual misconduct claim was exposed as false this week, after his alleged victim denied the draft legal document claiming he'd assaulted her. "My signature is forged, and even basic facts about me are wrong," said the woman, who was a former staff member of Schumer's. She has since contacted law enforcement to find out who was responsible for posing as her. The Washington Post has produced ample evidence correlating this sting operation to Project Veritas, a non-profit attempting to expose wrongdoings and fake news within liberal non-profits and the news media. According to the Project Veritas website, it is "The most effective non-profit on the national scene, period." It also claims to be "huge," and will "grab every other non-profit by the pussy."

A 22-year-old man in Austintown, Ohio was arrested this week for trying to have sex with a 15-year-old by offering him chicken Alfredo and Sprite. Youngstown State University student Albert George Maruna IV started messaging with an undercover police officer whom he thought was a 15-year-old boy on a dating app on December 5th. When asked why he chose those items, Maruna responded, "Well I wasn't going to bring ragù." 

This month's highlights:

A police report revealed that a couple on a Detroit-bound Delta flight last month were engaging in sex underneath an airplane blanket right next to a sleeping passenger. Eyewitnesses said they recognized what was going on immediately due to the fact that airplane blankets are roughly the size of butterfly. 

While the debate over whether or not sex addiction is a real condition forges on in the medical community, recently outed sociopaths-I mean-sex offenders Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey recently sought out treatment for sex addiction. Weinstein described himself as embarking on a "journey... to learn about myself and conquer my demons," he said as he dribbled cum all over a mélange of prostitutes.