Education secretary Betsy DeVos got sued by Victims' rights and women's rights groups this week for violating federal law with a guide she issued to college campuses last year, instructing them on how to handle sexual assault cases. Fatima Goss Graves, the president of the National Women's Law Center, argued that DeVos' policy "discriminates against women and girls and makes it harder for them to learn in a safe environment." DeVos argues that her guide is paving the way for her upcoming campus policy, titled, "Fuck women, who needs 'em!"

Music mogul Russell Simmons is being sued for sexual battery and rape. The victim, Jennifer Jarosik, was friends with Simmons until she claimed that Simmons raped her at his home in 2011. In the past two months, 10 other women have come forward to accuse Simmons of rape or sexual misconduct, which has incited a police investigation. Upon hearing of this, President Trump and Harvey Weinstein reportedly texted Simmons "Welcome to the club," whilst smoking cigars, sipping brandy and measuring their cocks.

Sex toy brand EdenFantasys recently conducted a survey of over 2,000 people, which revealed that while as many as 40 percent of Americans claim to be kinky, 27 percent of people in relationships have a secret sex act in mind, but have yet to bring it up with their partner. 23 percent say that this is because there's just never a good time to bring up anal.

The annual Singles in America survey conducted by Match.com and Research Now just came out, which found that sexual satisfaction increases as you age. The survey found that sex is best for women at age 66, and 64 for men, and people over 50 and 60 reported higher levels of sexual enjoyment. Sex therapist Emily deAyala explained, "Feeling comfortable with your body is a part of it, but older individuals are more likely to speak up about what they like and dislike." "You're telling me," responded all the waiters in America.

ANOTHER recent study out of George Mason University found a correlation between people finding meaning in their lives and having sex. A study of 152 participants discovered that those that had frequent sex reported finding their days to be meaningful more frequently. This explains Paul Ryan's new memoir, "The Meaninglessness of Existence."