Let's Get Caught Up

February-

Though HIV cases have soared 3,147 percent in the last ten years in the Philippines, Filipino president Rodrigo Duterte advised the population to stop using condoms because "it is not satisfying." In a public address, he popped a candy in his mouth, saying, "Here, try eating it without unwrapping it... That's what a condom is like." The AIDS virus responded in a tweet; "@RodrigoDuterte- you my everything." 

News organization NPR implemented new policies after numerous sexual assault claims (many of which involved former newsroom leader Michael Oreskes). Their new measures to stave off sexual assault cases include mandating their HR head report directly to their CEO, improving HR management and hiring processes, and making employees listen to "All Things Considered" until their genitals start to resemble a Craisin. 

Michael Feinberg, co-founder of KIPP (one of the largest and most successful U.S. charter school chains) was dismissed from his own company upon being accused of sexually abusing a student twenty years ago, as well as sexually harassing two of his employees. The other co-founder, David Levin, commented, "To reconcile what we've learned as a result of this investigation and the evidence that's been presented to us with the work I've known him to do is very hard." Levin continued, shaking his head; "Almost as hard as Feinberg is when he sees a jump rope or braces."

A recent survey of over 2,000 adults by sex toy company EdenFantasys uncovered that the average American couple has sex for 69 minutes a week, and schedules sex with their partner 6 times per month. The study also found that 3 percent of participants claimed to have sex more than 30 times per month, while 12 percent said their number was closer to zero. 100 percent of Mitch McConnell can't remember what his own penis looks like. 

March- 

The French government proposed to change the legal age of consent to 15 in reaction to two prominent cases where 11-year-old girls were raped. One case from November was a 30-year-old man getting acquitted after raping an 11-year-old girl because the court determined there had been "no violence, coercion, threat, or surprise." Responded the 11-year-old girl, "Um, actually there were ALL of those things- it was a RAPE, not a croissant party."   

Ever since former producer of NBC's "Today" show Noah Kotch became Fox News' website editor in June 2017, the website has covered a rising number of articles about female sex offenders, though there isn't an overall rise in female sex offenders. Kotch defended their skewed coverage; "We don't cover sex crimes like statisticians. We cover what's interesting for the reader." Kotch continued, "Geez, what do you think we are, a news organization or somethin'?" 

A study conducted by the Kaiser Permanente research institute in Seattle and the University of Minnesota discovered that over-the-counter gels worked equally well as hormone replacement pills for menopausal women experiencing pain during sex. Researchers speculate that the reason menopausal women experience dryness during sex is because they don't feel ANYTHING for you anymore, Hank. 

A new study from UC San Francisco revealed that women who ride bicycles regularly reported higher sexual satisfaction than women who did not. In related news, this rider needs to go hit the crank and put some pedal to the metal.

I Want a DeVorse

Education secretary Betsy DeVos got sued by Victims' rights and women's rights groups this week for violating federal law with a guide she issued to college campuses last year, instructing them on how to handle sexual assault cases. Fatima Goss Graves, the president of the National Women's Law Center, argued that DeVos' policy "discriminates against women and girls and makes it harder for them to learn in a safe environment." DeVos argues that her guide is paving the way for her upcoming campus policy, titled, "Fuck women, who needs 'em!" 

Music mogul Russell Simmons is being sued for sexual battery and rape. The victim, Jennifer Jarosik, was friends with Simmons until she claimed that Simmons raped her at his home in 2011. In the past two months, 10 other women have come forward to accuse Simmons of rape or sexual misconduct, which has incited a police investigation. Upon hearing of this, President Trump and Harvey Weinstein reportedly texted Simmons "Welcome to the club," whilst smoking cigars, sipping brandy and measuring their cocks.    

Sex toy brand EdenFantasys recently conducted a survey of over 2,000 people, which revealed that while as many as 40 percent of Americans claim to be kinky, 27 percent of people in relationships have a secret sex act in mind, but have yet to bring it up with their partner. 23 percent say that this is because there's just never a good time to bring up anal. 

The annual Singles in America survey conducted by Match.com and Research Now just came out, which found that sexual satisfaction increases as you age. The survey found that sex is best for women at age 66, and 64 for men, and people over 50 and 60 reported higher levels of sexual enjoyment. Sex therapist Emily deAyala explained, "Feeling comfortable with your body is a part of it, but older individuals are more likely to speak up about what they like and dislike." "You're telling me," responded all the waiters in America. 

ANOTHER recent study out of George Mason University found a correlation between people finding meaning in their lives and having sex. A study of 152 participants discovered that those that had frequent sex reported finding their days to be meaningful more frequently. This explains Paul Ryan's new memoir, "The Meaninglessness of Existence." 

AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

Maybe There's Something in the Curry

According to a recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, women who are living in rural areas are more likely to have sex at a younger age than women in urban areas. 51.2% of rural women between the ages of 18 and 44 reported having had their first sexual intercourse at age 16, while 41.7% of urban women were able to say the same. The research also discovered that rural women were more likely to use more effective means of birth control than urban women, partially due to the fact that they were NOT trying to have a kid with Burger King Johnny... not again.

This week, InTouch magazine published excerpts from porn star Stormy Daniels' interview describing an affair she had with Donald Trump in 2006. The interview details her experience after Trump asked her out at a 2006 golf tournament, while Melania was pregnant with one of his stupid sons. When Daniels arrived at his hotel room, he was wearing sweatpants and watching TV. She excused herself to the bathroom at one point, and came out, seeing Trump sitting on the bed, asking her to join him. "Ugh, here we go," Daniels reported having thought at the time, which is ironically what 51% of America was thinking on November 9th, 2016. 

Researchers at McGill University found that women reported more brain activity than men while being sexually aroused. The authors of the paper wrote, "The finding was unexpected because most previous research has suggested that the correlations between genital response and subjective arousal are stronger for men." "Whoa, research from the past favored men? Weird..." said only morons. 

Dutch company LegalThings launched beta testing of their fledgling app LegalFling last week, which would be "the first blockchain-based app to verify explicit consent before having sex." LegalFling users can input their preferences, including STD screening, condom use, and photography. The app also asks you whether or not you'd like to have any sort of real, spontaneous, romantic occurrence ever again.  

A survey taken in December of over 3,000 men and women from dating site SaucyDates found that American men could last the longest during sex, compared with Canadians, Australians, Brits, and Indians. Indian men responded defensively, "It's because we're not weighed down by all that greasy cow meat like you assholes."

A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy last summer revealed that 36 percent of women need clitoral stimulation to climax, while another 36 percent did not need it, but had a more intense orgasm with clitoral stimulation. Another 36 percent will never have an orgasm again if you wear those cargo shorts one more time.

At Some Point, You're Going to Have to Tell Him

On Monday, India's Supreme Court decided to review their ban on homosexual sex. Some Indian families are against homosexuality purely out of fear that it would interfere with the institution of marriage. Marriage is commonly a social agreement between families in India, and they don't want ANYTHING standing in the way of Reyansh getting out of the fucking house already. 

According to new research, climate change severely impacts the sex lives of numerous reptile species. As global temperatures rise, entire populations of species are endangered of becoming all male or all female, as their sex is determined by temperature. In warming waters like the northern edge of the Great Barrier Reef, the sea turtle population is now 99 percent female. When asked to comment on this change, Elaine the sea turtle responded, "Gotta say, it's kinda chill."

Popular porn site PornHub reported a record number of views for "women-friendly" content in 2017. "Porn For Women" was recorded as the "top trending search," increasing 1,400 percent from years prior, while "Lesbian" porn continues to dominate as the leading search. Top researchers speculate that this incline happened because Josh STILL can't find your fucking clit.  

You May Have Missed:

President Trump's attempt to ban transgendered people from the military was further thwarted after the Pentagon released its first-ever detailed outline specifying how transgendered folks can enter into the military. The memo details that anyone entering into the military is allowed to specify their preferred gender, and will access the same rights and privileges as everyone else, though Melania is still trapped in a prison of her own making. 

A Milwaukee Catholic priest made headlines after coming out as gay to his congregation, and in a lengthy essay for the National Catholic Reporter. Despite the standing ovation he received after coming out to this congregation, some church members were hesitant to accept his outing; "He made a choice to walk in Christ's shoes, because he's not going to be accepted by everyone," responded one parishioner Shawn Govern. Govern continued, "I know I won't be able to accept his gayness until he gives me a really great blowjob." 

In December, the Indonesian government raided a gay bathhouse in Jakarta, arresting over 140 men, as a part of their recent attempt to start heavily criminalizing homosexuality. Up until 2016, homosexuality was generally tolerated in Indonesia, but due to pressure from fundamentalist Muslim groups, the number of arrests and incarcerations has grown to "unprecedented numbers." In provinces like Aceh where Shariah law is enforced, gay men have even been publicly caned; a practice founded by Abe Simpson.       

It Helps Wash Down the Noodles

Three of President Trump's sexual assault accusers and 56 female Democratic lawmakers called upon Congress this week to investigate all of Trump's 17 sexual assault claims. In a letter to the House oversight committee, the Democratic Women's Working Group wrote, "We cannot ignore the multitude of women who have come forward with accusations against Mr. Trump." "But of course we can, mwahaha," Responded President Dumpsterfire.

Last Tuesday, People magazine published a photo of President Trump with his arm around former People journalist Natasha Stoynoff, taken on the same day in 2005 that Stoynoff claims Trump pushed her against a wall and shoved his tongue down her throat without consent. Trump denied knowing her, or even having met her prior to this photo being published. White House Spokesperson Sarah "The Huck" Huckabee Sanders defended Trump's denial on Tuesday afternoon; "Simply stating you don't know someone means that you don't have a relationship with them." The Huck continued, "And if you don't say you don't have a relationship with him, then you can't not say he didn't try, y'knamean?" as she moonwalked off the press conference stage.

US Senator Chuck Schumer's sexual misconduct claim was exposed as false this week, after his alleged victim denied the draft legal document claiming he'd assaulted her. "My signature is forged, and even basic facts about me are wrong," said the woman, who was a former staff member of Schumer's. She has since contacted law enforcement to find out who was responsible for posing as her. The Washington Post has produced ample evidence correlating this sting operation to Project Veritas, a non-profit attempting to expose wrongdoings and fake news within liberal non-profits and the news media. According to the Project Veritas website, it is "The most effective non-profit on the national scene, period." It also claims to be "huge," and will "grab every other non-profit by the pussy."

A 22-year-old man in Austintown, Ohio was arrested this week for trying to have sex with a 15-year-old by offering him chicken Alfredo and Sprite. Youngstown State University student Albert George Maruna IV started messaging with an undercover police officer whom he thought was a 15-year-old boy on a dating app on December 5th. When asked why he chose those items, Maruna responded, "Well I wasn't going to bring ragù." 

This month's highlights:

A police report revealed that a couple on a Detroit-bound Delta flight last month were engaging in sex underneath an airplane blanket right next to a sleeping passenger. Eyewitnesses said they recognized what was going on immediately due to the fact that airplane blankets are roughly the size of butterfly. 

While the debate over whether or not sex addiction is a real condition forges on in the medical community, recently outed sociopaths-I mean-sex offenders Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey recently sought out treatment for sex addiction. Weinstein described himself as embarking on a "journey... to learn about myself and conquer my demons," he said as he dribbled cum all over a mélange of prostitutes.

Was it a First Edition Princess Bear?

Leader of Britain's House of Commons Andrea Leadsom demanded a "zero tolerance" policy in response to numerous recent allegations of sexual harassment within British Parliament. Prime Minister Theresa May wrote to the House of Commons speaker demanding a more regulated system in regards to reprimanding sexual harassment, noting that the current system "does not have the required teeth." That also incidentally describes most of the British Parliament.  

According to a recent study out of Stanford University, regular pot smokers have 20% more sex than non-pot smokers. One potential theory as to why pot users often had sex for longer was that they couldn't remember if they came or not.

Actor Anthony Rapp accused Kevin Spacey last weekend of sexually assaulting him when Rapp was 14. Rapp said they were at an after party for a Broadway show they both were in when Spacey came into the room where Rapp was watching TV and drunkenly laid on top of him, grabbed his arms, and tried to seduce him. Spacey claimed; "I honestly do not remember the encounter, it would have been over 30 years ago." Spacey continued, "I can't even remember who I raped-I mean-what I ate five minutes ago."

A woman in Florida was arrested last week upon offering an undercover cop oral sex in exchange for $5 and a teddy bear Beanie Baby. When asked why a Beanie Baby, the woman responded, "Because it reminds me of a time in my life when I wasn't addicted to meth."

A former employee of Salt Lake County jail is suing Salt Lake county for ongoing sexual harassment and gender discrimination. Sherie Peek worked at the jail for over 14 years, experiencing ongoing sexual harassment from her manager, Mark Ellsworth, as well as discrimination from her co-workers. Ellsworth started sending her suggestive e-mails after Peek's first couple years, where he said things like, "I really was hoping to see things get physical," and that he knew "how to make a woman happy in bed." Ellsworth would then finish his e-mails with; "Ha-ha, I can say whatever I want because I'm your boss, nanny nanny boo boo thppbbthhh." 

The winner of a UK reality show "Come Dine With Me" narrowly avoided jail time this week after admitting to her friend online that she had sex with a 15-year-old. On the day of the encounter last year, the teenager went over to show winner Lucy Haughey's house upon being invited, and told his mom he was "going to play football." When interviewed later about his lie, the teenager shrugged and responded, "Well, it's certainly not called soccer."

According to a book recently published by political economist Janice Zarro Brodman, Americans are unusually uptight about sex. Brodman recently published a book titled, Sex Rules; Astonishing Sexual Practices and Gender Roles Around the World, where she exposes the subjectivity of what's normal during her extensive research throughout her world travels. Brodman noted that the Trobriand tribe's philosophy is that "sex between young people is perfectly fine. But you must not, dare not, have a meal together!" This was found to be because once you've watched a teenage boy with betel nut-stained teeth down an entire fish with its head intact, you'll never want to fuck again.

He'd Also Make Good Chum

South Dakota Representative Mathew Wollmann is currently under investigation for engaging in sexual relationships with two legislative interns. Wollmann defended himself by saying that he thought they were older than 21 when he hooked up with one of them in 2015, and the other in 2016. Continued Wollmann, "I mean, I knew they watched Hannah Montana when they were kids, but I thought they were at least in middle school by the time the Best of Both Worlds Concert toured." 

Northwestern Medicine in Chicago hosted a symposium on January 25th to celebrate their one-year anniversary of their sex-inclusion policy. The National Institute of Health implemented this new policy, which mandates that researchers only get subsidized if they study both female and male species, when applicable. Scientists have held off from studying female cells in past decades because they were afraid that the male cells would get weird and threatened and try some power tripping bullshit. 

In the style of Republican presidents before him, president Fuckhead signed a bill this week that will ban U.S. funding to any overseas family planning organization that performs abortions, or even mentions abortion as an option. This ban has been called the "Mexico City Policy," as well as the "Global Gag Rule," because it makes people everywhere want to throw up and then get a margarita. 

According to a study of over 7,000 British women for the journal BJOG: An International Journal of Obstetrics Gynecology, roughly one in 10 women feel pain during intercourse. This disorder is called dyspareunia, and was found to most affect women in their late 50's and early 60's, followed by women aged between 16 and 24. Pain during sex was most often linked to vaginal dryness, anxiousness around intercourse, and the image of Donald Trump's puckered, wilting face. 

Texas state rep. Tony Tinderholt proposed a bill this week that would ban abortion at any stage. The bill would also amend Texas' penal code to permit women and providers who sought or administered abortions to be charged with murder. Tinderholt said in an interview with the Texas Observer, "Now, we both know that consenting adults don't always think smartly sometimes. But consenting adults need to also consider the repercussions of the sexual relationship that they're gonna have, which is a child." Tinderholt's belief that sex always leads to children stems from the fact that he was birthed in the Atlantic Ocean and is actually a fish.   

STATE REPRESENTATIVE TONY TINDERHOLT/FACEBOOK/Huffington Post

It Does Rhyme With Hump

A recent investigation by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution has uncovered that American doctors are infrequently reprimanded in cases of sexual misconduct, and have very minor penalization when they are. The Atlanta Journal found that doctors were able to partake in brief treatment programs, and quickly return back to work after they'd been accused of sexually violating their patients. Many treatment programs were found to be merely three days, and often included yoga and massage. To show their deep regret, many of the accused doctors have started a foundation called "Doctors Without Boners." Most of the proceeds will go to their yoga and massage funds, because if they just get a few more massages, maybe they'll stop trying to face fuck Kelly when she comes in just for a routine pap. 

University of Texas students held a dildo-laden rally this week to protest the University's recent law, allowing concealed handguns on campus. The rally was called "Cocks not Glocks," and students handed out dildos and pamphlets about the new gun rule. Students reported that they were all happy to finally have a use for their dildos, because they don't vibrate, so what's the fucking point of that.

The Vatican released a teen sex ed program this summer, and a group of conservative U.S. Catholics are pissed. The group plans to petition against this program in DC this fall, saying one of its flaws is that it doesn't "mention a healthy sense of shame when it comes to the body and sexuality." One priest from the American group said, "Shame is the only thing that kept me from molesting way, way more altar boys."

VICE published an article this week profiling a Russian-born performance artist who had sex every day for a year. Midway through his project, he started working as a sex worker in Berlin's red light district. This was where his project took a violent turn; he received a death threat from a Neo-Nazi, someone hit him with their car, and right before the end of the project, someone pepper sprayed him on the street, for unknown reasons. It was later revealed that in German culture, these acts actually translate to "LOL, let's hang soon."

Constipated Barbie doll Melania Trump is suing a US blogger and the Daily Mail for $150 million for writing that she used to work as an escort, and insinuating that that was how she met Donald Trump. Trump's lawyer Charles Harder said the claims were "outright lying." Melania is known to be an expert in "outright lying," because she's married to the biggest, sexiest, most NOT racist guy with the BIGGEST hands. 

AFP/Getty/BBC

I Hear 'O' Chem Sucks

Kentucky clerk Kim Davis is blowing up the internet this week after refusing to administer marriage licenses to gay couples. Davis has gained more notoriety than other anti-gay clerk cases, due to her unwillingness to back down, which will result in trial on Thursday. Some critics argue that Davis is a hypocrite, as she has three divorces under her belt (though the Bible condemns it). Davis explained in a public statement, "I never imagined a day like this would come, where I would be asked to violate a central teaching of Scripture and of Jesus Himself regarding marriage." "Well, you had to imagine it a little the day you got married for the FOURTH TIME, right, bitch?" responded Jesus Himself from the heavens.

A recent study of men in the Boston area was published Monday, stating that men who purchase sex are more likely to commit sexual violence. Men from ranging demographics had reported "a preference for impersonal sex, a fear of rejection by women, a history of having committed sexually aggressive acts, and a hostile masculine self-identification," said UCLA professor and the co-author of this study Neil Malamuth. "Hostile masculinity" was defined by a hostile and narcissistic drive to maintain power over women, also named by the authors of this study as "Trumpathy."   

A recent sex sting has led to the arrest of 22 Gainesville, Florida men for soliciting children for sex, two of them being a student and professor, respectively, at Santa Fe College. The student, Anthony Stamper, reportedly stopped to get Skittles for the child he thought he was going to meet, who turned out to be part of the undercover sting, known as "Operation Panther." When questioned for comments, local panthers at the Gainesville zoo replied, "Well fuck, you, too."

Arielle Englert, a 24 year old University of Florida philosophy student, faces bribery charges after attempting to get out of a DUI and drug charges by offering sex to the officers that arrested her. When asked about her motive in an interview, Englert replied, "Well how do you think I passed chemistry? I still don't know what 'boron' is."

Let's Talk About Sex

Gaia Democratic private school in Minneapolis experienced a slew of scrutiny after taking a dozen of their teen-aged students on a field trip to a local adult toy store as part of their sex education class. "It's just a major breach of trust... You just can't erase those images," said Lynn Floyd, who pulled her 11 and 13-year-old daughters out of the school after hearing about their field trip. Floyd continued, "That's why Mr. Floyd and I always turn off the lights when we do the deed. I just can't erase the image of my husband's penis."

After two FDA rejections, makers of the proposed pill that induces sexual desire in women tried again this week to push their product through drug regulators. As seen in "This Week," "flibanserin" was initially developed to be an anti-depressant, as it works by altering brain chemistry. When asked if they'd like to try flibanserin, wives across America responded, "I don't know, how about you just go down on me and act interested in my career instead?" 

If you thought you couldn't get any closer with your iPhone, you were wrong. Apple is introducing a new component to their "health tracking" application. The iPhone 9 (due to come out in the fall) will include a "sexual activity" feature, where the user can input the date and time that they had sex, as well as whether or not they used protection. Apple announced soon after that the iPhone 10 will be able to double as a vibrator and anal bead.  

THIS WEEK IN ADVICE

Dear TWIS, I'm a high school student, in a long term relationship, living with my parents. My parents are very Christian, and are totally not into me having sex before marriage. Of course I think they're full of shit, and I want to fuck my boyfriend, but we don't really have a place or time to do it. I'm on the track team and have singing and dance lessons and a shit ton of homework, and my boyfriend has a job. Also, my house is really small, and I'm always paranoid that they're going to hear us. It's kind of the same situation at his house. How can I work around this without having to "pencil in" sex?" -Want to Eff my BF

Dear WTFMBF, First of all, it's good that you aren't retaining feelings of bullshit religious guilt about having sex with your boyfriend; if you want to, and you both trust each other, and communicate well with each other, and you feel sexually interested in him and vice versa, then by all means, you should have (PROTECTED) sex. Have you already met with your doctor about finding the right birth control for you? If you haven't, I'd recommend taking care of that first. Sex IS romantic, but it's also political, physically and emotionally demanding, bureaucratic, and complicated. Much like everything else in our culture, we often don't thoughtfully acknowledge the beauty and power of this very essential life force. I'd recommend you treat sex with as much respect as you treat your partner. It has the power to totally improve and/or destroy your life. Treat it as such. After you start having sex, get tested. Also, I'd recommend talking to your doctor/naturopath/guru about getting the HPV shot (GARDASIL). If you're already started having sex and have taken care of all of these health precautions, then I'd recommend you find a safe place to start doing it, and doing it, and doing it well. Have sex in one of your cars. In the woods (maybe bring a blanket?). In a friend's basement. If the issue is time, maybe find a day once in a while you can take (at least partially) off, just to take care of yourself, and have (PROTECTED) sex with your BF. It's good to be busy and ambitious and pursue your goals, but it's also important to enjoy your youth while you have it. Pretty soon you're going to be dating twenty-something idiots who don't have a job or a bed, and you'll be missing the days when you were fucking someone who had a future. Get it in while you can.