Let's Talk About Sex

Gaia Democratic private school in Minneapolis experienced a slew of scrutiny after taking a dozen of their teen-aged students on a field trip to a local adult toy store as part of their sex education class. "It's just a major breach of trust... You just can't erase those images," said Lynn Floyd, who pulled her 11 and 13-year-old daughters out of the school after hearing about their field trip. Floyd continued, "That's why Mr. Floyd and I always turn off the lights when we do the deed. I just can't erase the image of my husband's penis."

After two FDA rejections, makers of the proposed pill that induces sexual desire in women tried again this week to push their product through drug regulators. As seen in "This Week," "flibanserin" was initially developed to be an anti-depressant, as it works by altering brain chemistry. When asked if they'd like to try flibanserin, wives across America responded, "I don't know, how about you just go down on me and act interested in my career instead?" 

If you thought you couldn't get any closer with your iPhone, you were wrong. Apple is introducing a new component to their "health tracking" application. The iPhone 9 (due to come out in the fall) will include a "sexual activity" feature, where the user can input the date and time that they had sex, as well as whether or not they used protection. Apple announced soon after that the iPhone 10 will be able to double as a vibrator and anal bead.  

THIS WEEK IN ADVICE

Dear TWIS, I'm a high school student, in a long term relationship, living with my parents. My parents are very Christian, and are totally not into me having sex before marriage. Of course I think they're full of shit, and I want to fuck my boyfriend, but we don't really have a place or time to do it. I'm on the track team and have singing and dance lessons and a shit ton of homework, and my boyfriend has a job. Also, my house is really small, and I'm always paranoid that they're going to hear us. It's kind of the same situation at his house. How can I work around this without having to "pencil in" sex?" -Want to Eff my BF

Dear WTFMBF, First of all, it's good that you aren't retaining feelings of bullshit religious guilt about having sex with your boyfriend; if you want to, and you both trust each other, and communicate well with each other, and you feel sexually interested in him and vice versa, then by all means, you should have (PROTECTED) sex. Have you already met with your doctor about finding the right birth control for you? If you haven't, I'd recommend taking care of that first. Sex IS romantic, but it's also political, physically and emotionally demanding, bureaucratic, and complicated. Much like everything else in our culture, we often don't thoughtfully acknowledge the beauty and power of this very essential life force. I'd recommend you treat sex with as much respect as you treat your partner. It has the power to totally improve and/or destroy your life. Treat it as such. After you start having sex, get tested. Also, I'd recommend talking to your doctor/naturopath/guru about getting the HPV shot (GARDASIL). If you're already started having sex and have taken care of all of these health precautions, then I'd recommend you find a safe place to start doing it, and doing it, and doing it well. Have sex in one of your cars. In the woods (maybe bring a blanket?). In a friend's basement. If the issue is time, maybe find a day once in a while you can take (at least partially) off, just to take care of yourself, and have (PROTECTED) sex with your BF. It's good to be busy and ambitious and pursue your goals, but it's also important to enjoy your youth while you have it. Pretty soon you're going to be dating twenty-something idiots who don't have a job or a bed, and you'll be missing the days when you were fucking someone who had a future. Get it in while you can. 

Sexy Time and Syphilis

The University of Manchester and NatCen Social Research recently conducted a survey discovering that people over the age of 70 are still doing it, and doing it, and doing it well. 54 percent of men and 31 percent of women in the 7,000 seniors surveyed said they were still sexually active, with a third of that group saying they had frequent sex (at least twice a month). This has led to a surge in STD rates among baby boomers. Syphilis among seniors has gone up 52 percent since 2007, while chlamydia has risen 32 percent. This was news to millennials, who didn't know you could even still get syphilis.

On Wednesday, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham asked Loretta Lynch at her confirmation hearing, "What is the legal difference between a ban on same-sex marriage being unconstitutional but a ban on polygamy being unconstitutional?" Lynch responded with acknowledging her inexperience with this type of case, and told him she looks "forward to continuing these discussions" with him. Graham's wife responded from the front row, "Oh, yeah, right. Like you can even handle having one wife. By the way, my clit's in the front, brainiac."

Last Tuesday, a 19-year-old former Oregon State University student was cited by a police trooper for video taping herself masturbating in the OSU library and posting it online. After the police and the university discovered her video on PornHub, Kendra Jane Sutherland could face up to a year in prison, as well as a $6,250 fine. OSU spokesperson Steve Clark said that University leaders discovered the tape on Tuesday (though it was posted last fall), but as soon as they had learned of the video, were going to take action. "Oh, so THIS is when you take action," responded all of the rape victims at colleges across the country. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This Week's Advice

Hey, TWIS- I think I might be into my best friend, and I'm completely torn up about it. We've been friends for years, and I've always had boyfriends since we became friends. She's gay, and despite a couple of experimental drunk threesomes, I was under the impression that I was mostly straight. But after my boyfriend and I split recently, she was consoling me one night and I was crying and we drank and I woke up in bed with her. We haven't really addressed it since it happened, and she just started seeing someone else, but I can't stop thinking about it, it was so hot. And now I feel really awkward and ashamed every time I'm around her. I'm afraid to bring it up with her because I can't afford to lose her friendship right now, but every time I'm around her, all I can't think about is the time we hooked up. My break up has been really painful, and she's helped me so much so far, I really need her right now. But, my feelings are becoming fairly overwhelming. Should I talk to her, or should I just let all of this subside and wait it out? -Confused And Sad

Hey, CAS- I'd give it some time. You're going through a break up, you're vulnerable, and I'd imagine it's hard to discern what are genuine feelings and just feelings of appreciation and seeking validation. It can be such a turn on to know that someone finds you attractive, too. Take some time and be honest with yourself- do you want to date her? Could you see yourself with her? Or are you just craving to fill the gaping wound left by your last relationship? It's common for us to want to quickly replace someone we've lost, but that's usually not the best answer, because every person is going to fulfill a different role in your life, and it'll always disappoint- like trying to replace Nutella with a spicy tuna roll. I'd give yourself time to grieve your last relationship before proclaiming your love for your friend. However, it might put your mind at ease in the meantime to at least get it out in the open. Let her know, "Hey, Susan/Sally/Barbara/Moesha, hooking up with you was really hot. And you've been an awesome friend. I may or may not want it to happen again, but in the meantime, I should probably wait to actually get over my ex. But if it happened again, I wouldn't be bummed." If she responds, "Sorry, that was a one-time taco party," then you'll know it's not going to happen, anyway, and you can go back to merely appreciating her friendship, rather than her heaving bossom. But, if it really was that hot for you, chances are it was hot for her, too, and unless either of you have an excellent reason otherwise, it's probably naturally going to happen again, anyway. Just sort your shit out before diving into something new and risk losing your good buddy.

~

Hey, TWIS- I'm a teenager living in a rural area with my very Christian family. My mom recently discovered my goody drawer, and threw everything out (that she-wolf). This included my vibrator and condoms. I bought that vibrator when my friends and I took a trip to the nearest big city (which took a lot of convincing my parents), and I don't live anywhere near a place that sells that kind of shit and my parents are very weird about me borrowing the car. I also don't want to take all the trouble to go and buy another one, just to have my mom toss it again. What should I do? Is it worth buying another one? How do I keep her the fuck out of my business? -Teen In Trouble

Hey, TIT- I'm sorry about your situation, I can imagine how frustrating that must be. If I were you, I wouldn't want to let my mom dictate my sexual practices, especially if you aren't hurting yourself or anyone around you. Whether it's worth it to you is your call, but if it were me, I'd take another road trip with my friends, get the hell out of dodge for a few days, don't drink and drive, and buy a new vibrator and condoms. Then, when you get back, keep a lock box in your room with a key that's either on you at all times, or hidden extremely well. If it's worth it to you and you think it might help, you could have a diplomatic conversation with your mother where you express that you feel like she doesn't trust you and it makes you uncomfortable, that you respect her and want to have a healthy relationship with her, and in order for that to happen, she needs to respect your privacy and trust you. But if you feel like there's no way this conversation would help, then you can just stick to lying and the well-hidden key for now. And remember to apply to colleges far away, with good financial aid and/or scholarship options.