I Want a DeVorse

Education secretary Betsy DeVos got sued by Victims' rights and women's rights groups this week for violating federal law with a guide she issued to college campuses last year, instructing them on how to handle sexual assault cases. Fatima Goss Graves, the president of the National Women's Law Center, argued that DeVos' policy "discriminates against women and girls and makes it harder for them to learn in a safe environment." DeVos argues that her guide is paving the way for her upcoming campus policy, titled, "Fuck women, who needs 'em!" 

Music mogul Russell Simmons is being sued for sexual battery and rape. The victim, Jennifer Jarosik, was friends with Simmons until she claimed that Simmons raped her at his home in 2011. In the past two months, 10 other women have come forward to accuse Simmons of rape or sexual misconduct, which has incited a police investigation. Upon hearing of this, President Trump and Harvey Weinstein reportedly texted Simmons "Welcome to the club," whilst smoking cigars, sipping brandy and measuring their cocks.    

Sex toy brand EdenFantasys recently conducted a survey of over 2,000 people, which revealed that while as many as 40 percent of Americans claim to be kinky, 27 percent of people in relationships have a secret sex act in mind, but have yet to bring it up with their partner. 23 percent say that this is because there's just never a good time to bring up anal. 

The annual Singles in America survey conducted by Match.com and Research Now just came out, which found that sexual satisfaction increases as you age. The survey found that sex is best for women at age 66, and 64 for men, and people over 50 and 60 reported higher levels of sexual enjoyment. Sex therapist Emily deAyala explained, "Feeling comfortable with your body is a part of it, but older individuals are more likely to speak up about what they like and dislike." "You're telling me," responded all the waiters in America. 

ANOTHER recent study out of George Mason University found a correlation between people finding meaning in their lives and having sex. A study of 152 participants discovered that those that had frequent sex reported finding their days to be meaningful more frequently. This explains Paul Ryan's new memoir, "The Meaninglessness of Existence." 

AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

Was it a First Edition Princess Bear?

Leader of Britain's House of Commons Andrea Leadsom demanded a "zero tolerance" policy in response to numerous recent allegations of sexual harassment within British Parliament. Prime Minister Theresa May wrote to the House of Commons speaker demanding a more regulated system in regards to reprimanding sexual harassment, noting that the current system "does not have the required teeth." That also incidentally describes most of the British Parliament.  

According to a recent study out of Stanford University, regular pot smokers have 20% more sex than non-pot smokers. One potential theory as to why pot users often had sex for longer was that they couldn't remember if they came or not.

Actor Anthony Rapp accused Kevin Spacey last weekend of sexually assaulting him when Rapp was 14. Rapp said they were at an after party for a Broadway show they both were in when Spacey came into the room where Rapp was watching TV and drunkenly laid on top of him, grabbed his arms, and tried to seduce him. Spacey claimed; "I honestly do not remember the encounter, it would have been over 30 years ago." Spacey continued, "I can't even remember who I raped-I mean-what I ate five minutes ago."

A woman in Florida was arrested last week upon offering an undercover cop oral sex in exchange for $5 and a teddy bear Beanie Baby. When asked why a Beanie Baby, the woman responded, "Because it reminds me of a time in my life when I wasn't addicted to meth."

A former employee of Salt Lake County jail is suing Salt Lake county for ongoing sexual harassment and gender discrimination. Sherie Peek worked at the jail for over 14 years, experiencing ongoing sexual harassment from her manager, Mark Ellsworth, as well as discrimination from her co-workers. Ellsworth started sending her suggestive e-mails after Peek's first couple years, where he said things like, "I really was hoping to see things get physical," and that he knew "how to make a woman happy in bed." Ellsworth would then finish his e-mails with; "Ha-ha, I can say whatever I want because I'm your boss, nanny nanny boo boo thppbbthhh." 

The winner of a UK reality show "Come Dine With Me" narrowly avoided jail time this week after admitting to her friend online that she had sex with a 15-year-old. On the day of the encounter last year, the teenager went over to show winner Lucy Haughey's house upon being invited, and told his mom he was "going to play football." When interviewed later about his lie, the teenager shrugged and responded, "Well, it's certainly not called soccer."

According to a book recently published by political economist Janice Zarro Brodman, Americans are unusually uptight about sex. Brodman recently published a book titled, Sex Rules; Astonishing Sexual Practices and Gender Roles Around the World, where she exposes the subjectivity of what's normal during her extensive research throughout her world travels. Brodman noted that the Trobriand tribe's philosophy is that "sex between young people is perfectly fine. But you must not, dare not, have a meal together!" This was found to be because once you've watched a teenage boy with betel nut-stained teeth down an entire fish with its head intact, you'll never want to fuck again.

It Does Rhyme With Hump

A recent investigation by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution has uncovered that American doctors are infrequently reprimanded in cases of sexual misconduct, and have very minor penalization when they are. The Atlanta Journal found that doctors were able to partake in brief treatment programs, and quickly return back to work after they'd been accused of sexually violating their patients. Many treatment programs were found to be merely three days, and often included yoga and massage. To show their deep regret, many of the accused doctors have started a foundation called "Doctors Without Boners." Most of the proceeds will go to their yoga and massage funds, because if they just get a few more massages, maybe they'll stop trying to face fuck Kelly when she comes in just for a routine pap. 

University of Texas students held a dildo-laden rally this week to protest the University's recent law, allowing concealed handguns on campus. The rally was called "Cocks not Glocks," and students handed out dildos and pamphlets about the new gun rule. Students reported that they were all happy to finally have a use for their dildos, because they don't vibrate, so what's the fucking point of that.

The Vatican released a teen sex ed program this summer, and a group of conservative U.S. Catholics are pissed. The group plans to petition against this program in DC this fall, saying one of its flaws is that it doesn't "mention a healthy sense of shame when it comes to the body and sexuality." One priest from the American group said, "Shame is the only thing that kept me from molesting way, way more altar boys."

VICE published an article this week profiling a Russian-born performance artist who had sex every day for a year. Midway through his project, he started working as a sex worker in Berlin's red light district. This was where his project took a violent turn; he received a death threat from a Neo-Nazi, someone hit him with their car, and right before the end of the project, someone pepper sprayed him on the street, for unknown reasons. It was later revealed that in German culture, these acts actually translate to "LOL, let's hang soon."

Constipated Barbie doll Melania Trump is suing a US blogger and the Daily Mail for $150 million for writing that she used to work as an escort, and insinuating that that was how she met Donald Trump. Trump's lawyer Charles Harder said the claims were "outright lying." Melania is known to be an expert in "outright lying," because she's married to the biggest, sexiest, most NOT racist guy with the BIGGEST hands. 

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