Let's Get Caught Up

February-

Though HIV cases have soared 3,147 percent in the last ten years in the Philippines, Filipino president Rodrigo Duterte advised the population to stop using condoms because "it is not satisfying." In a public address, he popped a candy in his mouth, saying, "Here, try eating it without unwrapping it... That's what a condom is like." The AIDS virus responded in a tweet; "@RodrigoDuterte- you my everything." 

News organization NPR implemented new policies after numerous sexual assault claims (many of which involved former newsroom leader Michael Oreskes). Their new measures to stave off sexual assault cases include mandating their HR head report directly to their CEO, improving HR management and hiring processes, and making employees listen to "All Things Considered" until their genitals start to resemble a Craisin. 

Michael Feinberg, co-founder of KIPP (one of the largest and most successful U.S. charter school chains) was dismissed from his own company upon being accused of sexually abusing a student twenty years ago, as well as sexually harassing two of his employees. The other co-founder, David Levin, commented, "To reconcile what we've learned as a result of this investigation and the evidence that's been presented to us with the work I've known him to do is very hard." Levin continued, shaking his head; "Almost as hard as Feinberg is when he sees a jump rope or braces."

A recent survey of over 2,000 adults by sex toy company EdenFantasys uncovered that the average American couple has sex for 69 minutes a week, and schedules sex with their partner 6 times per month. The study also found that 3 percent of participants claimed to have sex more than 30 times per month, while 12 percent said their number was closer to zero. 100 percent of Mitch McConnell can't remember what his own penis looks like. 

March- 

The French government proposed to change the legal age of consent to 15 in reaction to two prominent cases where 11-year-old girls were raped. One case from November was a 30-year-old man getting acquitted after raping an 11-year-old girl because the court determined there had been "no violence, coercion, threat, or surprise." Responded the 11-year-old girl, "Um, actually there were ALL of those things- it was a RAPE, not a croissant party."   

Ever since former producer of NBC's "Today" show Noah Kotch became Fox News' website editor in June 2017, the website has covered a rising number of articles about female sex offenders, though there isn't an overall rise in female sex offenders. Kotch defended their skewed coverage; "We don't cover sex crimes like statisticians. We cover what's interesting for the reader." Kotch continued, "Geez, what do you think we are, a news organization or somethin'?" 

A study conducted by the Kaiser Permanente research institute in Seattle and the University of Minnesota discovered that over-the-counter gels worked equally well as hormone replacement pills for menopausal women experiencing pain during sex. Researchers speculate that the reason menopausal women experience dryness during sex is because they don't feel ANYTHING for you anymore, Hank. 

A new study from UC San Francisco revealed that women who ride bicycles regularly reported higher sexual satisfaction than women who did not. In related news, this rider needs to go hit the crank and put some pedal to the metal.

I Want a DeVorse

Education secretary Betsy DeVos got sued by Victims' rights and women's rights groups this week for violating federal law with a guide she issued to college campuses last year, instructing them on how to handle sexual assault cases. Fatima Goss Graves, the president of the National Women's Law Center, argued that DeVos' policy "discriminates against women and girls and makes it harder for them to learn in a safe environment." DeVos argues that her guide is paving the way for her upcoming campus policy, titled, "Fuck women, who needs 'em!" 

Music mogul Russell Simmons is being sued for sexual battery and rape. The victim, Jennifer Jarosik, was friends with Simmons until she claimed that Simmons raped her at his home in 2011. In the past two months, 10 other women have come forward to accuse Simmons of rape or sexual misconduct, which has incited a police investigation. Upon hearing of this, President Trump and Harvey Weinstein reportedly texted Simmons "Welcome to the club," whilst smoking cigars, sipping brandy and measuring their cocks.    

Sex toy brand EdenFantasys recently conducted a survey of over 2,000 people, which revealed that while as many as 40 percent of Americans claim to be kinky, 27 percent of people in relationships have a secret sex act in mind, but have yet to bring it up with their partner. 23 percent say that this is because there's just never a good time to bring up anal. 

The annual Singles in America survey conducted by Match.com and Research Now just came out, which found that sexual satisfaction increases as you age. The survey found that sex is best for women at age 66, and 64 for men, and people over 50 and 60 reported higher levels of sexual enjoyment. Sex therapist Emily deAyala explained, "Feeling comfortable with your body is a part of it, but older individuals are more likely to speak up about what they like and dislike." "You're telling me," responded all the waiters in America. 

ANOTHER recent study out of George Mason University found a correlation between people finding meaning in their lives and having sex. A study of 152 participants discovered that those that had frequent sex reported finding their days to be meaningful more frequently. This explains Paul Ryan's new memoir, "The Meaninglessness of Existence." 

AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

I Hear 'O' Chem Sucks

Kentucky clerk Kim Davis is blowing up the internet this week after refusing to administer marriage licenses to gay couples. Davis has gained more notoriety than other anti-gay clerk cases, due to her unwillingness to back down, which will result in trial on Thursday. Some critics argue that Davis is a hypocrite, as she has three divorces under her belt (though the Bible condemns it). Davis explained in a public statement, "I never imagined a day like this would come, where I would be asked to violate a central teaching of Scripture and of Jesus Himself regarding marriage." "Well, you had to imagine it a little the day you got married for the FOURTH TIME, right, bitch?" responded Jesus Himself from the heavens.

A recent study of men in the Boston area was published Monday, stating that men who purchase sex are more likely to commit sexual violence. Men from ranging demographics had reported "a preference for impersonal sex, a fear of rejection by women, a history of having committed sexually aggressive acts, and a hostile masculine self-identification," said UCLA professor and the co-author of this study Neil Malamuth. "Hostile masculinity" was defined by a hostile and narcissistic drive to maintain power over women, also named by the authors of this study as "Trumpathy."   

A recent sex sting has led to the arrest of 22 Gainesville, Florida men for soliciting children for sex, two of them being a student and professor, respectively, at Santa Fe College. The student, Anthony Stamper, reportedly stopped to get Skittles for the child he thought he was going to meet, who turned out to be part of the undercover sting, known as "Operation Panther." When questioned for comments, local panthers at the Gainesville zoo replied, "Well fuck, you, too."

Arielle Englert, a 24 year old University of Florida philosophy student, faces bribery charges after attempting to get out of a DUI and drug charges by offering sex to the officers that arrested her. When asked about her motive in an interview, Englert replied, "Well how do you think I passed chemistry? I still don't know what 'boron' is."

March Highlights

The Singapore government fined a prominent Singaporean blogger 8,000 dollars ($5,845 US) for making comments about two trials that both pertained to people engaging in homosexuality, an illegal act in Singapore. The blogger Alex Au, who is a gay rights activist and writes a blog titled "Yawning Bread," is fined for saying that the court engaged in "strange calendaring" for both of these cases. One of the cases Au had commented on was about a man getting caught having sex with another man in a public bathroom, aka Tuesdays for Ryan Seacrest. 

The Alabama Supreme Court continues to fight president Obama's national legalization of same-sex marriage. The state court ordered a cease on same-sex marriage licenses until the U.S. Supreme Court disputes later this year over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry. Alabama justices described, "State courts may interpret the U.S. Constitution independently from federal courts," also including that "traditional" marriage is "the fundamental unit of society." The state of Alabama also uses this phrase when describing 2 for 1 Tuesdays at iHop, double bacon cheeseburgers, and the Coors Light Twins.   

A British journal, titled "BJU International," discovered a more accurate and thorough assessment of penis sizes. The journal concluded while reviewing 17 different studies that included information from over 15,000 different males that the average size of a flaccid penis was 3.6 inches, while the average length of an erect penis was 5.2 inches. The average circumference for a flaccid penis was 3.7 inches, while the average hard penis was 4.6, which makes Tom feel a lot better about the fact that Lisa kept calling him a "solid 4.6." 

Way Over the Line

Administrators at the University of New Mexico were forced to apologize this week for their Women's Resource Center's effort to minimize sexual assault and instill safe sex practices. The center held "Celebrate Sex Week at UNM," which included workshops with titles such as "How to be a Gentleman AND Get Laid," "Negotiating Successful Threesomes," and, "BJs and Beyond." The vice president for student affairs made a formal apology for the workshops, for "going over the line." Incidentally, "Going Over the Line" was also one of their workshops.

Senator Mark Kirk and Representative Ann Wagner are among numerous lawmakers trying to pass a piece of legislation that would stop child trafficking, but face opposition from big tech companies. The SAVE Act would shut down and prevent advertisements for child prostitutes online, and penalize website owners up to ten years in prison for running those ads. A vice president at Interactive Advertising Bureau Mike Zaneis said that though his group (that represents major tech companies like Yahoo and Google) is opposed to child trafficking, they're worried that the bill would "threaten the integrity of the internet." What Zaneis was forgetting at the time of his statement is that the internet is largely made up of images like this:

View fullsize

Buzzfeed

This week in fucked, Texan women are. Thirteen abortion clinics in Texas closed overnight, due to a federal court sending a harsh new anti-abortion bill into effect. Between this law and another provision recently passed, about 80 percent of the state's 44 abortion clinics have closed within the last year, leaving more abortion clinics than actual women who want to live in Texas. 

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

THIS WEEK'S ADVICE

Dear TWIS, I've been with my boyfriend for about three years now. I love him a lot; we even have talked about getting married. I feel like we're a really good couple. But for the past couple months, whenever we have sex, he can't stay hard. He just started a new job and has been under a lot of pressure lately, but it's still frustrating, and I find myself looking at other men, which makes me feel terrible. What can I do, if anything, to make this situation better? -Horny and Sad

Dear HAS, That's very frustrating, I feel for you. There are two main places that his dong is connected to: his body, and his mind (duh). What's going on with both of those? Does he exercise regularly? Does he drink a lot, or take bong rips all day? Does he feel good about his body? There are all sorts of factors that can physically inhibit a boner, I'd start deducing there. Then there's the mental/emotional element: is he depressed, or excessively stressed? Do you both trust each other? Also, are you both still in love with each other, and have chemistry? I know it's an uncomfortable conversation, but you'll have to talk to him to find out what's going on, and ask if there's anything you can do. You don't want to push or shame him, or make him feel bad, because that obviously won't alleviate the situation. However, you both have needs that have to get met, and his choices affect you, too. Also, maybe you guys could take sex off the table for a little while. Straight men are always so ready to jam their wangs into you, that foreplay often goes forgotten. Maybe you guys could start getting each other off in other ways, and connecting with each other; then there won't be quite so much pressure on him to perform. I'd suggest more foreplay, less emphasis on sex, and a diplomatic conversation to get to the root of his flailing root.  

<>

Hey TWIS, I feel like my boyfriend and I are not on the same page. We've been exclusively seeing each other for a couple months, and it still feels like I'm always calling him to hang out. We only see each other a couple times a week, and I'd like to see him more often than that, but he's said he's fine with where things are. I don't want to break up with him; when he we hang out, we have a lot of fun together. But I don't like feeling like I'm always the one initiating. How do I talk to him about it? Am I being unreasonable, or too needy? -Needy White Girl

Hey NWG, the funny thing about being a woman is that we're taught to be constantly afraid of being too needy or too crazy our whole lives, that it often turns us into insecure, crazy monsters. Every woman, like every person, in general, has different wants, desires, needs in a relationship. Some of us want to see our boyfriends every day. Some of us want a guy we can screw once a week. Some of us like to eat pussy. We're a whole cornucopia of needs; that's what makes the intricately woven fabric that is womanhood. The trick to dealing with those needs is to understand who you are, what you want, and how to articulate what you want and need in a way that doesn't alienate your partner. You definitely need to talk to the bf; can you guys come to a compromise about how often you see each other, or who calls whom? Maybe you guys could trade off. Maybe you do all the calling and pumice his calluses on Thursdays, and he cooks, cleans, and braids your hair on Tuesdays. I'd suggest you guys discuss, and come to an understanding about what type of relationship you both are expecting/wanting/needing. And if you've talked it over, and you still feel like a miserable needy teenager in a couple months, then you two might just not be a good fit, and better hop on the expressway to Friendshipville, or even Acquaintancetown. 

<>

Hey TWIS, I'm a straight girl in my twenties who's never been with a woman. I'm definitely mostly straight- I love having sex with men, but recently, I've starting looking at more women sexually. I don't think I could be in a relationship with a woman, but before I settle down, I'd like to at least try hooking up with a woman. The problem is, I don't really know how to initiate that. Any time women have hit on me, I haven't really been attracted to them, and in the very few instances I've actually been attracted to a woman, they've mostly been straight, or in a relationship. There aren't any lesbian bars in my city, and I'm not sure if I really want to use the internet (I don't use the internet for meeting men, either). What are some other ways I can give this a shot? -Pussy Curious

Dear PC, It's cool that we live in an age when people are allowed to acknowledge their natural feelings, not be scared of them, and learn how to act on them in a healthy way; I applaud you for that. Meeting women for anybody is tough. Meeting people through friends is always a good way to start. It'll also be harder, given that you're not really gay, you're just curious. Some people might be put off by that, but not all. You could take classes, go to clubs, join a community softball team. If you live in a town with no gay bars and aren't willing to use the internet, it could take longer for you to discover what puss might be right under your nose. Whether we like it or not, we live in an age where the internet is quickly becoming a more viable and less scary option to meet people, especially since more "normal" (i.e. non-ax murderers and psychopaths) are using these mediums, and we're living in an age with less human interaction. But, if you want to try out for the other team the old fashioned way, you're going to have to go out a lot, find lots of ways to meet people, and really put yourself out there, often in uncomfortable ways. It might take longer, with the more stipulations you have. Do you know anyone that could set you up, or any friends that might be bi-curious? You could start there.

Need dating, sex, and relationship advice? Submit your letters anonymously here (under "Anonymous Letters" at www.rosefinn.com). 

Kansas, The British, and Sexual Frustration

In an effort to decrease the $238 million funding gap in Kansas, the Kansas Department of Revenue seized inventory from "Bang," a chain of sex toy stores that owes $163,986 in back taxes. The state will hold an auction this upcoming Monday, selling everything from fantasy love swings to vibrating thongs, and the money raised will goes towards the state deficit. Subsequently, Kansas' license plate motto will change to "home of the pulsating taint." 

The British are having less sex, and are less content with their sex lives, says a recent study from The Observer. The study found that the average British adult has sex four times a month, down from when the study was done in 2008, when the average was seven times per month. The study also concluded that 63% of survey takers were satisfied with their sex lives, down from 76% in 2008. Some social experts have concluded that the only way to alleviate this social problem is with their new campaign; "Less Black Tea, More English Muffin." 

Minnesota's largest newspaper, The Star Tribune, is under major scrutiny for publishing a full-page anti-transgender ad, from the Minnesota Child Protection League, a known anti-LGBT group. The ad intends to prevent the Minnesota State High School League from administering an equal-rights policy for their transgender athletes. The ad says, "A male wants to shower beside your 14-year-old daughter. Are YOU okay with that?" "Sure," responded all of the nation's drunk, shitty dads.

http://trendysturvsblog.com/

THIS WEEK'S ADVICE

Hey TWIS, My partner is fantastic at oral sex, but of course that means they've had lots of practice, presumably. How do I get past this and enjoy it without the mental weight that follows. -Conflicted

Hey Conflicted, Your partner is fantastic at oral sex, that's awesome. Score one for you! "Practice" can come in many forms; they may have been with one person for five years, who has a similar vagina/penis that you do, and happens to really like getting licked up and down/finger fucked the same way. Or, they could have been with a lot of people, picking up tips and tricks along the (hopefully proverbial) road. But generally, being good at oral doesn't necessarily mean that person has had a lot of partners; often times communication gets overlooked if you're having a lot of casual encounters, and no substantive relationships. Your word, "Presumably," means to me that you haven't talked with your partner much about their past sex life. If their past is really giving you "mental weight," then maybe ask your partner about how many people they've been with. However, your insecurities are your own issue; unless your partner is the type to tell you you're ugly and to make them a sandwich after they give you great head, it sounds like these are your own insecurities about not being good enough in bed, or being stacked up against past lovers. If sheer number of partners is all that's giving you that proceeding "mental weight," and not them treating you poorly or making you feel like you're not good enough, I'd advise you let go of that unnecessary baggage, work on your own self-esteem, and enjoy the shit out of that great head, while you have it.

Hey TWIS, I recently started seeing this guy who's really nice and awesome, and I've been staying at his house periodically for the past couple of weeks. The problem is that whenever we make out and fool around, I start getting turned on, but he cools off, and we just end up snuggling. We haven't had sex yet, or even gotten each other off, and he doesn't seem interested in taking it any further. I leave his place sexually frustrated and confused. Am I doing something that's turning him off? I really like him and want to keep seeing him, but I can't tell what's going on, and don't know how to bring it up. -Hot and bothered 

Hey Hot, Either he's turned off by something you're doing, or has some sexual hold-ups and is not communicating that with you, or he might just not be as sexual as you are. Either way, you're going to have to bring it up with him, or you'll just keep stewing in hurt, confusion, and sexual frustration that will eventually boil your soul. You don't want to put him on the defense, but you also want to get your point across, and get your needs met. Something like, "Hey, are you attracted to me? Would you be interested in going further than we have been?" will at least open the dialogue. It sounds like there's a chance you're just not sexually compatible, and you should be prepared that you two might be better as friends; and that's nothing against either one of you; it does not make you undesirable, or him a lesser man. 

Need dating, sex, and relationship advice? Send your letters here (or under "Anonymous Letters" at www.rosefinn.com).