21 Shades of Gray
If you're looking for new ideas for birthday and holiday gifts, Dutch designer Mark Sturkenboom might have your answer. Recently Sturkenboom developed a vibrator with a tiny urn inside to hold your passed loved one's ashes. It comes in a memory box, titled "21 Grams," and includes a perfume diffuser to hold their trademark scent, as well as an iPod adapter. The idea reportedly came from when the designer had been helping an elderly neighbor across the street with her groceries, who kept her late husband's ashes in a jar in the windowsill. Sturkenboom said of his neighbor, "She always speaks with so much love about him, but the jar he was in didn't reflect that at all." He continued, "He was much more of a brass dildo type of guy."
Vienna has introduced 49 crosswalk signals around the city that depict same-sex and opposite-sex couples holding hands. The signals are said to correspond with the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest, and a fundraiser for AIDS/HIV research and awareness. The mayor reported that next month, the city will release 12 more signals, all doggystyle.
On May 6th, Fox News reporter Shannon Bream reported on America's Newsroom, "The Obama Administration's top lawyer says that if the Supreme Court redefines marriage [referring to the recent legalization of gay marriage], religious colleges and universities could lose their tax-exempt status." Bream has been known to regurgitate the rhetoric of LGBTQ hate groups as news in her segments, and this instance was no exception. Caroline Mala Corbin, a legal expert on the first Amendment at University of Miami, stated, "Given that churches have long been able to discriminate against women without losing their tax exempt status, it seems highly unlikely that they risk losing their tax-exempt status because they discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation." "Whoopsie," replied Shannon Bream, smiling coyly and stroking her white cat.
A man who worked for a water treatment plant was recently found to have watched a total of 39 hours of porn during a two-week period last year, meaning he watched porn for an average of half of his shifts. He reportedly didn't stream it on the internet, but brought DVDs from home. Said the unnamed man in response, "It's the buffering. I can't stand the buffering."
THIS WEEK IN ADVICE
Dear TWIS, I recently found out that I have herpes, and it's been devastating for me. I've always been the type of person that enjoys casual sex on a regular basis, and I've always practiced safe sex, but the one time I got drunk and didn't use a condom, it came back to bite me in the ass. It's tail-spun me into some serious depression, and has really taken a toll on my confidence. I want to carry on with my life and feel comfortable with myself again, but I just feel embarrassed and ashamed. How can I get myself out of this? How can I get my sex life on track again? - Anonymous
Dear Anonymous, First of all, that sucks, and I'm sorry. You're absolutely allowed to feel shitty. However, you have to remind yourself that this isn't a death sentence, and this doesn't make you a gross or unfuckable person. It might mean you have to be more choosy about who you fuck, but I consider that a great blessing in disguise. People have been far more careless about sex than you, but have gotten away with it- you just didn't get away with it this time, and that's life. Casual sex can be great, and this doesn't necessarily have to end that. You will want to be upfront with your partners, thus making you far more likely to find people that are really excited about you and fucking you, thus potentially enabling you to attain better sex than you're used to having. Don't beat yourself up about this, and don't let this define you; you are still you, you just have a new obstacle to work around. Remember; we're all fucked up, with herpes, or AIDS, or depression, or a shitty dad, or a missing leg, and it's our job to work with our ailments to turn us into better people. Good luck, and keep safe-fucking! You're still hot!
Need love, sex, or dating advice? Submit your anonymous questions here (under "Anonymous Letters" at rosefinn.com).