If you're looking for new ideas for birthday and holiday gifts, Dutch designer Mark Sturkenboom might have your answer. Recently Sturkenboom developed a vibrator with a tiny urn inside to hold your passed loved one's ashes. It comes in a memory box, titled "21 Grams," and includes a perfume diffuser to hold their trademark scent, as well as an iPod adapter. The idea reportedly came from when the designer had been helping an elderly neighbor across the street with her groceries, who kept her late husband's ashes in a jar in the windowsill. Sturkenboom said of his neighbor, "She always speaks with so much love about him, but the jar he was in didn't reflect that at all." He continued, "He was much more of a brass dildo type of guy."

Vienna has introduced 49 crosswalk signals around the city that depict same-sex and opposite-sex couples holding hands. The signals are said to correspond with the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest, and a fundraiser for AIDS/HIV research and awareness. The mayor reported that next month, the city will release 12 more signals, all doggystyle.

On May 6th, Fox News reporter Shannon Bream reported on America's Newsroom, "The Obama Administration's top lawyer says that if the Supreme Court redefines marriage [referring to the recent legalization of gay marriage], religious colleges and universities could lose their tax-exempt status." Bream has been known to regurgitate the rhetoric of LGBTQ hate groups as news in her segments, and this instance was no exception. Caroline Mala Corbin, a legal expert on the first Amendment at University of Miami, stated, "Given that churches have long been able to discriminate against women without losing their tax exempt status, it seems highly unlikely that they risk losing their tax-exempt status because they discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation." "Whoopsie," replied Shannon Bream, smiling coyly and stroking her white cat.

A man who worked for a water treatment plant was recently found to have watched a total of 39 hours of porn during a two-week period last year, meaning he watched porn for an average of half of his shifts. He reportedly didn't stream it on the internet, but brought DVDs from home. Said the unnamed man in response, "It's the buffering. I can't stand the buffering."

THIS WEEK IN ADVICE

Dear TWIS, I recently found out that I have herpes, and it's been devastating for me. I've always been the type of person that enjoys casual sex on a regular basis, and I've always practiced safe sex, but the one time I got drunk and didn't use a condom, it came back to bite me in the ass. It's tail-spun me into some serious depression, and has really taken a toll on my confidence. I want to carry on with my life and feel comfortable with myself again, but I just feel embarrassed and ashamed. How can I get myself out of this? How can I get my sex life on track again? - Anonymous

Dear Anonymous, First of all, that sucks, and I'm sorry. You're absolutely allowed to feel shitty. However, you have to remind yourself that this isn't a death sentence, and this doesn't make you a gross or unfuckable person. It might mean you have to be more choosy about who you fuck, but I consider that a great blessing in disguise. People have been far more careless about sex than you, but have gotten away with it- you just didn't get away with it this time, and that's life. Casual sex can be great, and this doesn't necessarily have to end that. You will want to be upfront with your partners, thus making you far more likely to find people that are really excited about you and fucking you, thus potentially enabling you to attain better sex than you're used to having. Don't beat yourself up about this, and don't let this define you; you are still you, you just have a new obstacle to work around. Remember; we're all fucked up, with herpes, or AIDS, or depression, or a shitty dad, or a missing leg, and it's our job to work with our ailments to turn us into better people. Good luck, and keep safe-fucking! You're still hot!

Need love, sex, or dating advice? Submit your anonymous questions here (under "Anonymous Letters" at rosefinn.com).

In an effort to decrease the $238 million funding gap in Kansas, the Kansas Department of Revenue seized inventory from "Bang," a chain of sex toy stores that owes $163,986 in back taxes. The state will hold an auction this upcoming Monday, selling everything from fantasy love swings to vibrating thongs, and the money raised will goes towards the state deficit. Subsequently, Kansas' license plate motto will change to "home of the pulsating taint."

The British are having less sex, and are less content with their sex lives, says a recent study from The Observer. The study found that the average British adult has sex four times a month, down from when the study was done in 2008, when the average was seven times per month. The study also concluded that 63% of survey takers were satisfied with their sex lives, down from 76% in 2008. Some social experts have concluded that the only way to alleviate this social problem is with their new campaign; "Less Black Tea, More English Muffin."

Minnesota's largest newspaper, The Star Tribune, is under major scrutiny for publishing a full-page anti-transgender ad, from the Minnesota Child Protection League, a known anti-LGBT group. The ad intends to prevent the Minnesota State High School League from administering an equal-rights policy for their transgender athletes. The ad says, "A male wants to shower beside your 14-year-old daughter. Are YOU okay with that?" "Sure," responded all of the nation's drunk, shitty dads.

THIS WEEK'S ADVICE

Hey TWIS, My partner is fantastic at oral sex, but of course that means they've had lots of practice, presumably. How do I get past this and enjoy it without the mental weight that follows. -Conflicted

Hey Conflicted, Your partner is fantastic at oral sex, that's awesome. Score one for you! "Practice" can come in many forms; they may have been with one person for five years, who has a similar vagina/penis that you do, and happens to really like getting licked up and down/finger fucked the same way. Or, they could have been with a lot of people, picking up tips and tricks along the (hopefully proverbial) road. But generally, being good at oral doesn't necessarily mean that person has had a lot of partners; often times communication gets overlooked if you're having a lot of casual encounters, and no substantive relationships. Your word, "Presumably," means to me that you haven't talked with your partner much about their past sex life. If their past is really giving you "mental weight," then maybe ask your partner about how many people they've been with. However, your insecurities are your own issue; unless your partner is the type to tell you you're ugly and to make them a sandwich after they give you great head, it sounds like these are your own insecurities about not being good enough in bed, or being stacked up against past lovers. If sheer number of partners is all that's giving you that proceeding "mental weight," and not them treating you poorly or making you feel like you're not good enough, I'd advise you let go of that unnecessary baggage, work on your own self-esteem, and enjoy the shit out of that great head, while you have it.

Hey TWIS, I recently started seeing this guy who's really nice and awesome, and I've been staying at his house periodically for the past couple of weeks. The problem is that whenever we make out and fool around, I start getting turned on, but he cools off, and we just end up snuggling. We haven't had sex yet, or even gotten each other off, and he doesn't seem interested in taking it any further. I leave his place sexually frustrated and confused. Am I doing something that's turning him off? I really like him and want to keep seeing him, but I can't tell what's going on, and don't know how to bring it up. -Hot and bothered

Hey Hot, Either he's turned off by something you're doing, or has some sexual hold-ups and is not communicating that with you, or he might just not be as sexual as you are. Either way, you're going to have to bring it up with him, or you'll just keep stewing in hurt, confusion, and sexual frustration that will eventually boil your soul. You don't want to put him on the defense, but you also want to get your point across, and get your needs met. Something like, "Hey, are you attracted to me? Would you be interested in going further than we have been?" will at least open the dialogue. It sounds like there's a chance you're just not sexually compatible, and you should be prepared that you two might be better as friends; and that's nothing against either one of you; it does not make you undesirable, or him a lesser man.

Need dating, sex, and relationship advice? Send your letters here (or under "Anonymous Letters" at www.rosefinn.com).

21 Shades of Gray

Kansas, The British, and Sexual Frustration