At Some Point, You're Going to Have to Tell Him

On Monday, India's Supreme Court decided to review their ban on homosexual sex. Some Indian families are against homosexuality purely out of fear that it would interfere with the institution of marriage. Marriage is commonly a social agreement between families in India, and they don't want ANYTHING standing in the way of Reyansh getting out of the fucking house already. 

According to new research, climate change severely impacts the sex lives of numerous reptile species. As global temperatures rise, entire populations of species are endangered of becoming all male or all female, as their sex is determined by temperature. In warming waters like the northern edge of the Great Barrier Reef, the sea turtle population is now 99 percent female. When asked to comment on this change, Elaine the sea turtle responded, "Gotta say, it's kinda chill."

Popular porn site PornHub reported a record number of views for "women-friendly" content in 2017. "Porn For Women" was recorded as the "top trending search," increasing 1,400 percent from years prior, while "Lesbian" porn continues to dominate as the leading search. Top researchers speculate that this incline happened because Josh STILL can't find your fucking clit.  

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President Trump's attempt to ban transgendered people from the military was further thwarted after the Pentagon released its first-ever detailed outline specifying how transgendered folks can enter into the military. The memo details that anyone entering into the military is allowed to specify their preferred gender, and will access the same rights and privileges as everyone else, though Melania is still trapped in a prison of her own making. 

A Milwaukee Catholic priest made headlines after coming out as gay to his congregation, and in a lengthy essay for the National Catholic Reporter. Despite the standing ovation he received after coming out to this congregation, some church members were hesitant to accept his outing; "He made a choice to walk in Christ's shoes, because he's not going to be accepted by everyone," responded one parishioner Shawn Govern. Govern continued, "I know I won't be able to accept his gayness until he gives me a really great blowjob." 

In December, the Indonesian government raided a gay bathhouse in Jakarta, arresting over 140 men, as a part of their recent attempt to start heavily criminalizing homosexuality. Up until 2016, homosexuality was generally tolerated in Indonesia, but due to pressure from fundamentalist Muslim groups, the number of arrests and incarcerations has grown to "unprecedented numbers." In provinces like Aceh where Shariah law is enforced, gay men have even been publicly caned; a practice founded by Abe Simpson.       

He'd Also Make Good Chum

South Dakota Representative Mathew Wollmann is currently under investigation for engaging in sexual relationships with two legislative interns. Wollmann defended himself by saying that he thought they were older than 21 when he hooked up with one of them in 2015, and the other in 2016. Continued Wollmann, "I mean, I knew they watched Hannah Montana when they were kids, but I thought they were at least in middle school by the time the Best of Both Worlds Concert toured." 

Northwestern Medicine in Chicago hosted a symposium on January 25th to celebrate their one-year anniversary of their sex-inclusion policy. The National Institute of Health implemented this new policy, which mandates that researchers only get subsidized if they study both female and male species, when applicable. Scientists have held off from studying female cells in past decades because they were afraid that the male cells would get weird and threatened and try some power tripping bullshit. 

In the style of Republican presidents before him, president Fuckhead signed a bill this week that will ban U.S. funding to any overseas family planning organization that performs abortions, or even mentions abortion as an option. This ban has been called the "Mexico City Policy," as well as the "Global Gag Rule," because it makes people everywhere want to throw up and then get a margarita. 

According to a study of over 7,000 British women for the journal BJOG: An International Journal of Obstetrics Gynecology, roughly one in 10 women feel pain during intercourse. This disorder is called dyspareunia, and was found to most affect women in their late 50's and early 60's, followed by women aged between 16 and 24. Pain during sex was most often linked to vaginal dryness, anxiousness around intercourse, and the image of Donald Trump's puckered, wilting face. 

Texas state rep. Tony Tinderholt proposed a bill this week that would ban abortion at any stage. The bill would also amend Texas' penal code to permit women and providers who sought or administered abortions to be charged with murder. Tinderholt said in an interview with the Texas Observer, "Now, we both know that consenting adults don't always think smartly sometimes. But consenting adults need to also consider the repercussions of the sexual relationship that they're gonna have, which is a child." Tinderholt's belief that sex always leads to children stems from the fact that he was birthed in the Atlantic Ocean and is actually a fish.   

STATE REPRESENTATIVE TONY TINDERHOLT/FACEBOOK/Huffington Post

Where the Wild Things Were

Richard Matt and David Sweat, both inmates at Clinton Correctional Facility in New York, escaped from prison this week, via officer Joyce Mitchell, who was also found to have sexual relationships with both of them. While authorities have known for months that Mitchell had an ongoing sexual relationship with Sweat, Mitchell admitted to authorities this week that she also been engaging in a sexual relationship with Matt. "It just goes to show you," said one of the investigators for this case, "literally ANYONE can get laid." 

A recent study from the University of Canterbury in New Zealand discovered that sex and drinking were considered to be the highest rated activities on the "pleasure scale," rated higher than child-rearing, volunteering, and religion. "Well," said the Pope, taking off his hat and mounting a Harley Davidson being driven by Alessandra Ambrosio, "See you mother fuckers in hell."

U.S. district judge Donovan Frank declared a Minnesota law unconstitutional that keeps sex offenders locked up for life. Frank wrote that the current state facilities "will not be immediately closed," but he wanted to move fast, and ordered an August 10th conference to "fashion suitable remedies." Frank's first idea for a "suitable remedy" was a cardboard box with bars that says, "If you escape, try not to rape."