Sex, drugs, and booze? A recent study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that today's teens are showing a decline in the consumption of alcohol, drugs, and sex from the previous couple generations. Bill Albert, a spokesperson for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, called this the "cautious generation," suggesting, "It may be that parking at Lookout Point has given way to texting from your mom's living room couch." He also guessed that this may be the future of dating: when no one will drink or fuck, everyone will just send a series of penis and martini emojis until their tummies rumble and they'll have to get up and make themselves another sandwich to satiate the cravings for human interaction.

The internet is abuzz this week with the Brock Turner rape court case, wherein a 20-year-old Stanford student raped an unconscious female student on the Stanford campus. This week, a letter from a North Carolina father writing Turner's father has gone viral, reminding Turner that “This young woman will be dealing with this for far longer than the embarrassingly short six months your son is being penalized." This was a reaction to a public statement written by Turner's father defending his son, who said, "Brock's life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20-plus years of life." "Uhh, dad?" Interrupted Brock upon reading the statement, scratching the back of his head. "It wasn't....it wasn't 20 minutes."

Gawker Media group filed for bankruptcy this week, due to a $140 million lawsuit filed by Hulk Hogan, after posting a video of Hogan having sex with a friend's wife. Hogan claimed this caused him to lose endorsements and inflicted emotional distress. Gawker Media CEO Nick Denton argued in court that maybe the emotional distress just came from being Hulk Hogan every day.

Noel Sharkey, a professor of robotics at Sheffield University in England, publicly warned the dangers of emerging sex dolls this week. Realistic sex dolls are already on the market in Japan and the US. A 40-year-old man in Michigan who goes by Davecat "married" his $6,000 sex doll, and also has a sex doll mistress, on the side. Said Davecat, "I'm still quite attracted to organic women, at least visually." Davecat continued, "But I'm not into free range."