After Vice President Joe Biden's speech on sexual assault and rape, the white house has launched a "1 is 2 Many" campaign, geared towards eliminating sexual assault on college campuses. In the video, Benecio del Toro, Steve Carrell, Dule Hill, Daniel Craig, Joe Biden, and Barack Obama explain that it's actually not okay to sexually assault women. This will definitely work because public service announcements always fix problems.

Alongside the public service announcements, this week the White House came out with new guidelines for college campuses to protect students in cases of sexual assault and abuse. This has lead to 55 colleges now entangled in sexual assault investigations. After facing pressure from the white house and activists, the US Department of Education has released the names of all the colleges and universities under investigation, which could, for the first time in history, lead to federal funding cuts to schools who have violated Title IX, the gender equity law. This has lead to a new campaign on college campuses; "Don't Scratch my Snatch."

Illinois state representative Keith Farnham, who resigned last month due to "serious health issues," was federally busted for child porn. Farnham used a phony e-mail account, often on a state-owned computer. The FBI found evidence that in a web chat, the 66-year-old boasted, "12 is about as old as I can handle...I love them at 6,7,8." "Fuck," said the nation's Democrats, slapping their hands against their foreheads.

During the National Day of Prayer event this week, rep. Janice Hahn of California walked out during a speech by James Dobson, founder of "Focus on Family," when he called Obama, the "abortion president." Dobson also read an excerpt from a letter he had sent to thousands of people, saying, "The Creator will not hold us guiltless if we turn a deaf ear to the cries of innocent babies." "Is that what we're calling Republicans now?" said The Creator.

According to a new study published in the Journal of Men and Masculinities, 98 percent of all the white, college-aged male athletes polled have slept in the same bed as another guy, while 93 percent have spooned or cuddled with another man. According to the study's co-author, Mark McCormack, straight men are "much softer" than men of prior generations. "It's probably the pot," sighed all 20-something women.