The Swiss government plans to open up their first sex drive-in in Zurich on August 26th. In an effort to reduce sex trafficking and rampant prostitution all over the city, these drive-in style "boxes" will be solely located in the city center. Much like a car wash, drivers will drive along a marked area, where 40 prostitues will be stationed, ready to negotiate pricing. Boxes will be equipped with emergency buttons, and security guards and social workers will be on-hand. "Fuck this shit, I'm moving to Switzerland," said all of America's prostitutes.

A recent Greek study discovered that adults that have sex more than 4 times a week earn 5% more than those that don't. Having frequent and regular sex often correlates to happiness and healthiness, two factors in workplace performance. "Bull-shit," said Cindi in sales, who recently got fired for doing it on her desk.

A lesbian couple filed a complaint this week against the Gresham, Oregon bakery, "Sweet Cakes by Melissa," which is now under investigation. In January, Rachel Cryer had an appointment with Aaron Klein, one of the bakery's owners, to discuss a cake order for her upcoming wedding to her lesbian partner. When Klein discovered the cake was for a same-sex wedding, he denied their business, claiming, "A man should leave his mother and father and cling to his wife... that to me is the beginning of marriage." Gresham has garnered so much media attention from this incident that they're thinking of changing the sign to "Welcome to Gresham- where you can have your cake, but not Edith, too."

Texas Councilwoman and ardent homophobe Elisa Chan got punk'd this week- though it was not by Ashton Kutcher, but by her former aide James Stevens. Stevens released a secret audiotape to the San Antonio Express-News that he had recorded during one of Chan's private city hall meetings, to discuss how to prevent an upcoming city-wide non-discrimination ordinance. In the tape, Chan discusses such topics as how same-sex marriage could lead to incest and bestiality, how same-sex couples "should be banned from adoption," and how homosexuality is "disgusting to even think about." Other things that Chan finds disgusting are rainbows, sunsets, Mexicans, hugs, and all the Whos down in Whoville.

In an effort to be the least knowledgeable, most tactless news reporters in the biz, "Fox [News] and Friends" recently discussed their outrage at California's new transgendered teenager bill, that will allow transgendered teens to use bathrooms at school that fit their gender identity. Fox's Gretchen Carlson said in response, "Can you imagine now the boys wanna go into the girls bathroom and the girls wanna go into the boys bathroom and they can just say, 'Oh I was transgender for the moment.'" Carlson then peeled off her Maybelline-laden face to reveal Emperor Palpatine, cackling, "I'M the new face of the Republican party!"