It seems from week to week, politics are entering our bedrooms at the speed of one-thousand sperm. Here's what happened this week in the name of sex:

After an Irish woman died at a hospital who denied her care out of fear of breaking Ireland's anti-abortion law, Irish president and elderly leprechaun Michael D. Higgins signed a new abortion law into effect. The law states that abortion is now allowed only when a woman's life is at risk. Ireland's current anti-abortion law has been handed down from British law in 1867, sentencing a woman to life imprisonment for obtaining an abortion. "The law makes sense for us, because nothing has changed since 1867," said Irish resident Mary Catherine Dargan, fastening her girdle and hitching a ride back to the Diggings for some Bark Juice.

Some of us know Pat Robertson as that shriveled up old raisin who freaks us out when we're stoned and watching ABC Family at 1 in the morning. Others believe him to be their magic Jesus 8 ball, much like a recent caller on Robertson's show, "700 Club." The caller asked how they should feel about their two transsexual co-workers in the eyes of God. Robertson replied, "I think there are men who are in a woman's body...Or women that are in men's bodies -- and they want a sex change. That is a very permanent thing, it's a radical procedure. I don't think there's any sin associated with that. I don't condemn somebody for doing that." After saying that, Robertson's co-host's head suddenly started spinning and smoking and ejaculating green slime all over Robertson's Armani suit.

In March, North Dakota passed bill 2305, which mandated that doctors performing abortions at North Dakota's ONLY abortion clinic have admitting privileges at a hospital within 30 miles. This has made abortion in North Dakota near-impossible, as the clinic frequently has to fly in physicians from other states. "Why do we still live here?" said everyone in North Dakota.

Judge Wickham Corwin, the Judge who put a temporary block on this bill, wrote in his ruling that “A woman’s right to choose is one of the inalienable freedoms guaranteed by the first section of our constitution.” "Where were you in March?" Said North Dakota's unhappily pregnant women.

According to a Chinese medical research group, condoms aren't just for balloon animals anymore. Researchers at Beijing Friendship Hospital discovered the population of lactobacillus, bacteria in the vagina that helps maintain a healthy pH balance, was far more present in the group of women using condoms as their primary source of birth control, compared to those using IUDs, and the "rhythm method." When this study was performed in America, it was especially unnerving for researchers to learn that Americans engaging in the "rhythm method" mostly thought it meant having sex to R. Kelly.

In an interview with a news conference, Pope Francis has decided that being gay doesn't suck that bad after all. "Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord? You can't marginalize these people." The pontiff continued on to say that women, however, couldn't be ordained as priests, because the discussion had been closed by Pope John Paul II, who had won the rock-paper-scissors-Pope tournament that week, and Francis wasn't about to get all caught up in that shit again.