A recent investigation by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution has uncovered that American doctors are infrequently reprimanded in cases of sexual misconduct, and have very minor penalization when they are. The Atlanta Journal found that doctors were able to partake in brief treatment programs, and quickly return back to work after they'd been accused of sexually violating their patients. Many treatment programs were found to be merely three days, and often included yoga and massage. To show their deep regret, many of the accused doctors have started a foundation called "Doctors Without Boners." Most of the proceeds will go to their yoga and massage funds, because if they just get a few more massages, maybe they'll stop trying to face fuck Kelly when she comes in just for a routine pap.

University of Texas students held a dildo-laden rally this week to protest the University's recent law, allowing concealed handguns on campus. The rally was called "Cocks not Glocks," and students handed out dildos and pamphlets about the new gun rule. Students reported that they were all happy to finally have a use for their dildos, because they don't vibrate, so what's the fucking point of that.

The Vatican released a teen sex ed program this summer, and a group of conservative U.S. Catholics are pissed. The group plans to petition against this program in DC this fall, saying one of its flaws is that it doesn't "mention a healthy sense of shame when it comes to the body and sexuality." One priest from the American group said, "Shame is the only thing that kept me from molesting way, way more altar boys."

VICE published an article this week profiling a Russian-born performance artist who had sex every day for a year. Midway through his project, he started working as a sex worker in Berlin's red light district. This was where his project took a violent turn; he received a death threat from a Neo-Nazi, someone hit him with their car, and right before the end of the project, someone pepper sprayed him on the street, for unknown reasons. It was later revealed that in German culture, these acts actually translate to "LOL, let's hang soon."

Constipated Barbie doll Melania Trump is suing a US blogger and the Daily Mail for $150 million for writing that she used to work as an escort, and insinuating that that was how she met Donald Trump. Trump's lawyer Charles Harder said the claims were "outright lying." Melania is known to be an expert in "outright lying," because she's married to the biggest, sexiest, most NOT racist guy with the BIGGEST hands.