Leaked footage of Donald Trump talking to TV host Billy Bush about how he hits on women went viral this month, saying that he's so famous he can be with any women he wants, all he has to do is "grab them by the pussy." The video also included Trump telling Bush about how he hit on a married woman once: "I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping." Trump continued, "Nothing gets bitches to suck on my nuts faster than a mahogany end table."

People magazine writer Natasha Soynoff has had six witnesses come forward to further her sexual assault case against Donald Trump. Soynoff claims in her People magazine article that Trump forced her against a wall and shoved his tongue down her throat during a photo shoot, while his pregnant wife Melania was upstairs changing. Trump has denied this claim, responding from his campaign trail, "She lies! Look at her, I don't think so." He then reportedly procured a shot of Fireball from the cleavage of an underage cheerleader, and sat down with Snidely Whiplash to plot the deaths of a thousand immigrants.

Following Trump's recent pussy grabbing comments, students and faculty at Connecticut college have a growing concern about campus sex crimes. Connecticut college is one of many that has made special efforts to combat the growing prevalence of sexual assault on college campuses; over 200 schools are currently under special investigation for campus sex crimes. Many students and faculty feel that Trump's comments will damage their effort to reduce sex crimes. Trump responded by offering free admission to Trump university for any students that don't feel safe; all they need to do is just get a little closer... that's it... let him at that thing...

Tensions are high for some of the women Trump has allegedly assaulted; one Palm Springs woman Mindy McGillivray is so afraid for her family's safety after accusing Trump of groping her in 2003 that she and her family plan to leave the country. "I call shotgun!" Responded America's women and minorities.

Alabama senator and Trump surrogate Jeff Sessions was quick to defend Trump after his leaked, oozing viral video. In Sessions' interview with The Weekly Standard, he responded, "I don't characterize [Trump's comments] as sexual assault. I think that's a stretch." The Weekly Standard replied, "So if you grab a woman by the genitals, that's not sexual assault?" To which Sessions replied, "I don't know. It's not clear that he- how that would occur." Sessions then loosened his neck tie and said "B'deh B'deh B'deh that's all, folks!"

Ten women have now come forward to say that Donald Trump has sexually assaulted or harassed them. Trump biographer Harry Hurt III recently uncovered Ivana Trump's divorce deposition from the early '90s, which included recalling Ivana's account of when he had allegedly raped her. In Hurt's writings, he also recorded that Ivana "confided to female friends that Donald had difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection." "Erection or election?" Cackled Hillary, slapping her knee and taking another sip of dry vermouth.

Michael Cohen, one of Donald Trump's attorneys, has been echoing Trump's defense in the news media- that Trump wouldn't be attracted to any of the ten women that have claimed Trump has sexually assaulted them. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... these aren't even women he'd be attracted to," Cohen said in an interview with Wolf Blitzer. He also backtracked; "I don't think it's relevant to the conversation at all." He continued, sweating, "Did I mention I'm a registered Democrat?"