A French woman living in Cannes has recently spent $50,000 and undergone massive plastic surgery in order to look like a "real-life sex doll." Her surgery included hip implants, a nose job, lips the size of dildos, and 32G breasts, making her a grotesque freakshow where a woman once was.

Drew Bartscher, a young, heterosexual man, was assaulted in front of a Sioux Falls bar this week for calling a woman out on her homophobic comments. Upon this woman calling all homosexuals "fucking fucks," Bartscher told her not to call anyone that because it's rude. The woman's boyfriend replied, "what the F did you say to my girlfriend?!!" and punched him in the face. And that's why no one lives in South Dakota ba da bum ba da bum!

Judge Edward Rubin of Louisiana declared the gay marriage ban in Louisiana unconstitutional this week. He found that the current ban is unlawful because of the due process clause of the 14th amendment, the equal protection clause of the 14th amendment, the full faith and credit clause of the constitution, and the rest of the country is doing it so get with the program clause.

This week, a mother of three living in rural Pennsylvania started her year sentence in prison for buying her teenage daughter RU-486, aka the abortion pill, online. Jennifer Whalen's 16-year-old daughter decided she wanted to have an abortion in December of 2012, but the nearest abortion clinic was 75 miles away, and Whalen would've had to take two days off of work, which she couldn't afford. "Excellent," said the nation's Republicans, holding their fingertips together and smacking their lips.

THIS WEEK'S ADVICE

Hey TWIS, I am a shy dude in his mid 20s with not a lot of sexual experience, and I've never had a girlfriend. I've always had friends that were girls, and currently have friends that are girls that I would sleep with, if they were into it. It seems like every time I try to flirt with or hook up with some girl, they're not really DTF. I've kind of given up on expecting that girls will hook up with me, just because it never seems to happen. Is there something I'm doing that's driving girls away? Is there something I could do that would make girls see me as more than just their friend? -Needing It

Hey Needing It, I haven't seen you in your natural habitat, so it's hard to say what you're doing that's driving the ladies away. I always say play to your strengths. Not every guy is going to be able to charm the pants off of every girl he meets (and most often those guys suck at being humans, anyway). Are you sweet and a good listener? Then keep doing that. Do you talk over her all the time with your mouth full of pork chop, burping in her ear afterwards? Don't do that. There's also two major facets to what makes a person attractive: physical and personality. The ticket to getting laid for anybody is to have both of those on lockdown. I.e., do you shower regularly? Is your nose hair out of control? Are you missing teeth? Do you smell like a 15-year-old's period? Helping your physical presence and attractiveness will also boost your confidence, which helps the second part of this cock cocktail, your emotional presence. Are you too needy? Are you willing to drop anything to hang out with her? Do you have goals and a life of your own? Just as you're more attracted to people that are confident, that smell good, and that want and pursue shit, those people are more attracted to you for those reasons. If you're hanging around the house watching Ellen all day and letting the moisture on your brow congeal into a thick layer of gelatin, it might be time to hose yourself down, put on a shirt that fits you well, and go hang out with your girlfriends. if they trust you, like being around you, and you seem comfortable with yourself, eventually they'll be drunk one night and they might pounce on you like a newborn tigress. The best relationships start out as friendships, so it's not a bad thing to have a bunch of friends that are girls. But they'll be attracted to someone who's well-dressed and comfortable with themselves, and that's all you, kid.

Hey TWIS, I'm a single 23-year-old female, and I know this is totally cliche, but lately I've been feeling really attracted to one of my coworkers. Everything about him really turns me on, so much that it's almost painful. I've been working with him for a few months and we talk all the time, and I haven't heard him say anything about having a girlfriend, but he also doesn't seem super flirtatious. He doesn't have Facebook, and I'm not really comfortable asking all my coworkers if he's single or not. How do I discreetly find out if he has a girlfriend or not, and if he doesn't, how do I ask him out without making a total idiot of myself? Or is it a terrible idea to date my co-worker? -Curious & Horny

Hey Curious, We all know dating a co-worker is a bad idea. Statistically, and especially since you're young, you're probably not going to end up with this guy, which means you risk the awkward feeling of having to see him almost every day, your stomach in knots at the thought of the fact he knows exactly what your asshole looks (and even tastes?) like. However, you clearly are into this guy, and you're going to keep fantasizing about him, so you just have to weigh whether or not it's worth it to you to date him. There are a variety of ways you can ask in a roundabout approach if he's attached; "Does your girlfriend mind how much football you watch?," or just finding out more about his living situation: "Do you have roommates?", which could lead to talking about their girlfriends, then his girlfriend. If you're not comfortable with that, you could also invite him out somewhere after work with a group of co-workers; then it doesn't seem like you're asking him out, but you're getting him away from the work environment, where the conversation could be more natural. Either way, hanging out with him outside of work will give you a better idea if you're just lusting after a fantasy, if he has a girlfriend, or if it's really worth it to you to go down that road or not.

Hey TWIS, I am very into video games, and my girlfriend hates it. I play video games a lot, but not even as much as I'd like, because I know my girlfriend hates it so much. We're living together, so it's always obvious when I'm playing, and I think that it bothers her more, because she sees me playing all the time. I already feel like I'm not even playing as much as I want, and she's still unsatisfied, so we're both unhappy. Our relationship is really good, other than this part, which does get us into arguments a lot. I don't want to give up my gaming, but I don't want to keep pissing her off all the time, and I really don't want to break up with her. What can we do that will satisfy both of us? -Nerdlandia

Hey Nerdlandia, I don't get video games at all; they seem like a huge fucking waste of time. Regardless, in any relationship, both parties need to get their needs met, and if you need to play video games to be happy, then you gotta play. You don't mention how often you play; are you playing so much that you don't spend any time with your girlfriend? Is she bothered because you're ignoring her, or is it the mere fact that you play video games at all? If you're showing a clear preference towards your fictitious life over your real life and she feels under-appreciated, then you need to cut that crap out. Cut down the amount of time you're playing to an amount that allows you time to live your life, be an adult, and appreciate this woman in your life, because that will ultimately benefit you in the long run. But if she's just bothered that you play video games at all, then you two might not be a good match, and you might need to find some dork who will play those games with you. The first step is communicating with your girlfriend about why she's unhappy, and you guys can come to an understanding from there.

Need dating, sex, and relationship advice? Submit your questions to TWIS here (under "Anonymous Letters" at www.rosefinn.com).