A new study from Florida Atlantic University revealed that millennials, especially those born between 1990 and 1994, are not having as much sex as prior generations. The study found that Millennials born in that time period are 41 percent more likely to be sexually dormant than '80s millenials, and twice as likely as Gen X'ers. Fifteen percent of 20-24-year-old Americans in this study reported having not had any sex since turning 18. Though scientists speculate that this could be because they've been too busy looking for the Snorlax, and that's the last Pokemon they need to have the highest ranking in all of Tucson.

The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested this week for trading methamphetamine for sex. Richard Silverthorne had been talking with an undercover police agent, after the police had gotten a tip that Silverthorne had been using a men's only casual sex website to exchange drugs for sex. SIlverthorne had also been a substitute teacher for the area school district during the prior year, which explains everything.

A group of researchers at NYU recently published a study, outlining how alcohol and drug use affect sex and romantic relationships. Respondents from the study "overwhelmingly reported that alcohol use was more likely to (negatively) affect the partners they chose." This explains why we keep hooking up with ponytail Johnny every time he drops by with a bottle of Sambuca after work.

Brazilian police arrested a Namibian boxer for sexually assaulting a maid at the Olympic Village in Rio this week. This was the second boxer to be arrested for sexual assault at the Olympics in the last week. When asked for comment, the maids of the Olympic Village shook their heads and responded, "This never happens with the rhythmic gymnasts."

In accordance with the National Johns Suppression Initiative, twelve people were arrested in Lincoln, Nebraska on July 29th for involvement with sex trafficking. Two of the men arrested were a Lincoln Public Schools teacher, and a teacher who taught at the University of Nebraska at Kearney. These two were arrested, but not charged. The joke here is our judiciary system. Womp womp.