It Does Rhyme With Hump

A recent investigation by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution has uncovered that American doctors are infrequently reprimanded in cases of sexual misconduct, and have very minor penalization when they are. The Atlanta Journal found that doctors were able to partake in brief treatment programs, and quickly return back to work after they'd been accused of sexually violating their patients. Many treatment programs were found to be merely three days, and often included yoga and massage. To show their deep regret, many of the accused doctors have started a foundation called "Doctors Without Boners." Most of the proceeds will go to their yoga and massage funds, because if they just get a few more massages, maybe they'll stop trying to face fuck Kelly when she comes in just for a routine pap

University of Texas students held a dildo-laden rally this week to protest the University's recent law, allowing concealed handguns on campus. The rally was called "Cocks not Glocks," and students handed out dildos and pamphlets about the new gun rule. Students reported that they were all happy to finally have a use for their dildos, because they don't vibrate, so what's the fucking point of that.

The Vatican released a teen sex ed program this summer, and a group of conservative U.S. Catholics are pissed. The group plans to petition against this program in DC this fall, saying one of its flaws is that it doesn't "mention a healthy sense of shame when it comes to the body and sexuality." One priest from the American group said, "Shame is the only thing that kept me from molesting way, way more altar boys."

VICE published an article this week profiling a Russian-born performance artist who had sex every day for a year. Midway through his project, he started working as a sex worker in Berlin's red light district. This was where his project took a violent turn; he received a death threat from a Neo-Nazi, someone hit him with their car, and right before the end of the project, someone pepper sprayed him on the street, for unknown reasons. It was later revealed that in German culture, these acts actually translate to "LOL, let's hang soon."

Constipated Barbie doll Melania Trump is suing a US blogger and the Daily Mail for $150 million for writing that she used to work as an escort, and insinuating that that was how she met Donald Trump. Trump's lawyer Charles Harder said the claims were "outright lying." Melania is known to be an expert in "outright lying," because she's married to the biggest, sexiest, most NOT racist guy with the BIGGEST hands. 

AFP/Getty/BBC

"Slippery, Sensual, and Fun"

A prominent Louisiana district attorney, who served from 1979 to 2012, faces jail time after the FBI discovered that he'd been using his power to have sex with vulnerable women from his cases. Federal and state authorities suspect that Harry Morel, who served as a judge for St. Charles Perish just outside New Orleans, had offered sex to more than 20 women in exchange for pardoning their crimes. As ABC News wrote, "As the patriarch of one of a handful of families with deep connections in politics and law enforcement, he was long considered untouchable in the swampy Louisiana parish." The locals believe that he was untouchable because of his swampy Louisiana penis.

Researchers at New York University have been working on a 25-year research project about sex under the influence of drugs versus alcohol. In a recent part of their research, they've discovered that the club drug MDMA (aka "molly") is used more for sensuality than sexuality, and is on the rise with younger generations. One participant of the study said, "[On MDMA] I feel like I'm making love." Another participant said they felt like they "Hold the person even more; the kisses are more conducive; the warmth is there. It doesn't have to be penetration necessarily or any type of copulation." This participant continued, "And it doesn't have to be a person, either. It can be a toaster strudel or a Swiffer Jet Clean." 

DC area man Jay Franzone is taking a year off from sex, to prove a point about the FDA's prejudice rule for homosexual men donating blood. The FDA made a rule over 30 years ago, saying that any man who had had sex with another man since 1977 couldn't legally donate blood. This rule was only updated in December, just to say that gay men can donate blood, but only if they haven't had any sexual contact with another man in the past year. Franzone turned 21 in April, and as he'd already started his sexual fast, he couldn't have sex with his then-boyfriend. "That came and went," said Franzone. Responded his ex-boyfriend, "It maybe 'went,' but it certainly didn't come."

A New Jersey Catholic high school teacher is suing her employers for terminating her for being married to another woman. The plaintiff, Kate Drumgoole, says that the school violated the state's discrimination laws. The attorney for Paramus Catholic High School refuted this, saying she was terminated for "violating the Ministerial Policies and the Code of Ethics- in failing to abide by the tenets of the Roman Catholic faith, i.e. by entering into a same-sex marriage." He continued, "Also, if she wants to work here, she must only have anal sex on Tuesdays, and must use oil-based lube."

Kevin Lamarque/Reuters for the Atlantic

If Only They Had Chosen Water Polo

A new study from Florida Atlantic University revealed that millennials, especially those born between 1990 and 1994, are not having as much sex as prior generations. The study found that Millennials born in that time period are 41 percent more likely to be sexually dormant than '80s millenials, and twice as likely as Gen X'ers. Fifteen percent of 20-24-year-old Americans in this study reported having not had any sex since turning 18. Though scientists speculate that this could be because they've been too busy looking for the Snorlax, and that's the last Pokemon they need to have the highest ranking in all of Tucson.

The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested this week for trading methamphetamine for sex. Richard Silverthorne had been talking with an undercover police agent, after the police had gotten a tip that Silverthorne had been using a men's only casual sex website to exchange drugs for sex. SIlverthorne had also been a substitute teacher for the area school district during the prior year, which explains everything. 

A group of researchers at NYU recently published a study, outlining how alcohol and drug use affect sex and romantic relationships. Respondents from the study "overwhelmingly reported that alcohol use was more likely to (negatively) affect the partners they chose." This explains why we keep hooking up with ponytail Johnny every time he drops by with a bottle of Sambuca after work. 

Brazilian police arrested a Namibian boxer for sexually assaulting a maid at the Olympic Village in Rio this week. This was the second boxer to be arrested for sexual assault at the Olympics in the last week. When asked for comment, the maids of the Olympic Village shook their heads and responded, "This never happens with the rhythmic gymnasts." 

In accordance with the National Johns Suppression Initiative, twelve people were arrested in Lincoln, Nebraska on July 29th for involvement with sex trafficking. Two of the men arrested were a Lincoln Public Schools teacher, and a teacher who taught at the University of Nebraska at Kearney. These two were arrested, but not charged. The joke here is our judiciary system. Womp womp.

The Fox and the Hounding, Unrelenting Media

Gretchen Carlson's sexual harassment lawsuit against Fox News CEO and baked potato Roger Ailes is unusually public, says the Chicago Tribune, which could severely impact when and how Ailes will leave the network. Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle defended Ailes, saying, "He's a champion of women... I've talked to 30, at least, fellow colleagues at Fox, and not one of them said anything inappropriate was ever said or transpired." Guilfoyle continued, "Roger isn't inappropriate at all. And he almost always gives useful tips during his morning blowjob."

A topless photo and alleged "sex tape" of the Virgin Islands Democratic Senate nominee Stacey Plaskett circulated the internet this week, before being taken down. Political pundits are saying that this shouldn't affect the upcoming election, however, due to the fact that most of her fellow Congresspeople she'd be working with don't know where the Virgin Islands are.

The American Academy of Pediatrics released a statement Monday, imploring pediatricians to initiate more thorough conversations with their young adult patients about sex. The Academy would like to see pediatricians across the country talking to their patients about contraceptives, as well as how to have responsible sex, and healthy relationships. Pediatricians speculate that this method should prove to be more useful than Becky telling you about that one time when she walked into her parents' bedroom and she was just looking for some money to buy jelly beans but they were doing something weird and she got a stomach ache.

Meanwhile in Europe, Sweden's Public Health Agency is launching a 3-year study into Swedes' sex lives. The goal of the study is to better understand what people find enjoyable, rather than just focusing on social sexual issues, like veneral diseases, unwanted pregnancies, and rape. Said their Health Minister Gabriel Wikstrom, "How can we change attitudes when so many people, from parents to teachers to senior officials, are so obviously uncomfortable when talking about sex?" Surveys conducted by Swedish tabloids show that Swedes are having less sex, and the study also aims to discover if that's the case, and if so, why. Some Swedes speculate that it may be because everybody's so damn blond and everything is so damn perfect so what's the point anymore.

Straight Ailin'

Here's what July has brought us:

Oakland police are in hot water with their mayor, Libby Schaaf. There have been multiple scandals recently, involving officers sending racist texts to African-Americans, and multiple officers engaging in sex with the same underage prostitute in exchange for information about the force's prostitution stings. Partially due to the constant upheaval, three of their police chiefs resigned in just a little over a week. Mayor Schaaf made a frustrated public statement, saying, "I'm here to run a police department, not a frat house." Outgoing police chief Sean Whent shrugged and responded, "Tomato, tomato."

A study by a professor from Cornell University published this month, found that married couples who equally share a workload in their household are more likely to have more frequent sex, rather than couples who follow more traditional gender roles, and place expectation on the wife to do most household chores. Responded the study's female participants, "No shit, Sherlock."

a 25-year-old Pennsylvania woman pleaded guilty this past Wednesday to "disorderly conduct" after her neighbor called the cops on her for having such loud sex, it was rattling her neighbor's furniture. She was sentenced to 45 to 90 days in jail, in addition to her current jail time she's served since she was first sentenced in March. Her neighbor reportedly called the cops because she was jealous that she hadn't experienced anything that good since she confused her son's marijuana for oregano at her last pasta party. 

Former Fox news anchor Gretchen Carlson filed a sexual harassment lawsuit towards Fox CEO Roger Ailes, after getting fired from the company. Carlson's complaint read that when Carlson met with Ailes to discuss the persistent and intense sexual harassment he had perpetuated towards her, Ailes said, "I think you and I should have had a sexual relationship a long time ago and then you'd be good and better and I'd be good and better." Carlson also claims that Ailes would ogle Carlson's rear, commenting on her figure, making numerous comments about her legs, and complaining that marriage was ‘boring,’ ‘hard,’ and ‘not much fun.'" This unfortunately is also what Ailes' wife says about him to her therapist. Hey-o!

Move over, Cosby- you've got some competition in the raging douchebag department. Six more women came forward and talked to New York Magazine this week about their sexual harassment and assault experiences with Fox News overlord Roger Ailes. Each of the six had similar stories, usually involving Ailes offering them a job or to make them famous if they'd have sex with him, and putting them down when they wouldn't. Ailes responded to the article in a public statement: "That's the only way I can get women to touch my penis. Have you seen it? It looks like the inside of an undercooked blood sausage." 

His Friends are Made from Velcro

Sex, drugs, and booze? A recent study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that today's teens are showing a decline in the consumption of alcohol, drugs, and sex from the previous couple generations. Bill Albert, a spokesperson for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, called this the "cautious generation," suggesting, "It may be that parking at Lookout Point has given way to texting from your mom's living room couch." He also guessed that this may be the future of dating: when no one will drink or fuck, everyone will just send a series of penis and martini emojis until their tummies rumble and they'll have to get up and make themselves another sandwich to satiate the cravings for human interaction. 

The internet is abuzz this week with the Brock Turner rape court case, wherein a 20-year-old Stanford student raped an unconscious female student on the Stanford campus. This week, a letter from a North Carolina father writing Turner's father has gone viral, reminding Turner that “This young woman will be dealing with this for far longer than the embarrassingly short six months your son is being penalized." This was a reaction to a public statement written by Turner's father defending his son, who said, "Brock's life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20-plus years of life." "Uhh, dad?" Interrupted Brock upon reading the statement, scratching the back of his head. "It wasn't....it wasn't 20 minutes."

Gawker Media group filed for bankruptcy this week, due to a $140 million lawsuit filed by Hulk Hogan, after posting a video of Hogan having sex with a friend's wife. Hogan claimed this caused him to lose endorsements and inflicted emotional distress. Gawker Media CEO Nick Denton argued in court that maybe the emotional distress just came from being Hulk Hogan every day.  

imdb.com

Noel Sharkey, a professor of robotics at Sheffield University in England, publicly warned the dangers of emerging sex dolls this week. Realistic sex dolls are already on the market in Japan and the US. A 40-year-old man in Michigan who goes by Davecat "married" his $6,000 sex doll, and also has a sex doll mistress, on the side. Said Davecat, "I'm still quite attracted to organic women, at least visually." Davecat continued, "But I'm not into free range."

You Graben Some, You Lose Some

An annual study conducted by a research team of social psychologists from Widener, Florida Atlantic, and San Diego State universities found that more people are having gay sex, or at least admitting to it. 33,728 people participated in the survey between 1973 and 2014, revealing that the number of people who admitted to having at least one homosexual experience doubled during that time. Same-sex activities reported much higher for younger people; while 12 percent of Millennials said they'd had same-sex experiences, only 2.4 percent of women born before 1945 said they'd engaged in homosexual sex. Though this was due to the multitude of convoluted, maze-like underwear that women wore before 1945, proving it difficult to find a cunt underneath all of that.  

http://www.historyextra.com/feature/tudors/loincloths-corsets-brief-history-underwear-horrible-histories-greg-jenner

Popular porn website PornHub decided to upload numerous sex scenes from Game of Thrones upon discovering that porn viewing levels were down 4 percent during the hour before Game of Thrones season 6 premiered a few weeks ago. An HBO spokesperson responded in an interview, "HBO is aware of the issue and is in the process of getting material taken down from PornHub." It was later discovered that the GOT clips were used because 19-year-old PornHub file uploader Leonard Jergins was tired of typing the words "slut," "teens," and "creampie."

Trey Pearson, frontman for oxymoronic Christian rock band "Everyday Sunday" came out this week, saying it's been a "lifelong struggle" for him to be straight. In his letter, Pearson said, "I never wanted to be gay. I was scared of what all these people I loved would think and what God would think..." Responded God, "I don't give a fuck. Have you seen Mesopotamia lately?"

Japanese artist Megumi Igarashi recently crowd sourced funding to use 3D printing to make a replica of her vagina into a kayak, enabling other 3D data users to do so with theirs, as well. On Tuesday, a Japanese court ruled Igarashi's vagina kayak "pop art," but prohibited other 3D data users from creating their own, under Japan's obscenity laws. The court also fined her 400,000 yen ($3,670) for providing data for users to make their own replicas. The court ruled that users are, however, free to use 3D printing to make tug boats in the shape of their taints

On Saturday night, over two dozen women reported sexual assault at a German outdoor music festival, called, "Schlossgrabenfest." It was later found that most of the 10 attackers were fraternity brothers from various American universities, who called the name of the festival, "false advertising."

http://school.familyeducation.com/slideshow/college-prep/65088.html

Blame It On Texas

A voicemail was recently leaked of Sumner Redstone, majority stakeholder for CBS and Viacom, asking his friend to set up an orgy with him and at least one other man. Redstone is 92, in the midst of a legal battle over his will with his 50-year-old ex-wife, and is fed through a tube. He reportedly asked his friend over the leaked voicemail, "Do you know a nice-looking person who'd like to engage in a foursome or fivesome? Let me know if you have a man that you would recommend, that you would trust. Nice-looking, nice person, not a slutty guy, who would like to join us... That would be very hot." Sumner hesitated, then added, "And if he could look nothing like me, that'd be great, too."

Matt Sayles, Associated Press

Fox news reported this week that eating less calories correlates with having more sex. According to the study published by the journal JAMA Internal Medicine, a 25% calorie reduction was consistently associated with better sleep, improved quality of life, and more frequent sexual activity, among the half of the 218 participants that reduced their caloric intake. Another study was published by this same journal this week that found that cutting out Fox News from your diet can lead to lower cholesterol, improved brain function, and a desire to live.

A Dutch woman in her twenties was allowed to request a doctor for assisted suicide, after her psychiatrist deemed her PTSD, which was due to an early childhood sexual trauma, incurable. Since its legalization in 2002, euthanasia in the Netherlands has risen, drawing in a growing number of people from all over the world. Dutch doctors and psychiatrists are expecting a 40% rise in that number if Trump wins the US election.

politicususa.org

Republican congress people intending to diminish same-sex couples' rights recently wrote a document outlining the party's policy ideals, inadvertently declaring that more than half of Texans are gay. Their document states: "Homosexuality is a chosen behavior that is contrary to the fundamental unchanging truths that has been ordained by God in the Bible, recognized by our nations founders, and shared by the majority of Texans." This was believed to be in accordance with a new Texas tourism campaign called "Everything really IS bigger in Texas."

dailymail.co.uk

My So-Called Christians

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert was sentenced to 15 months in prison this week, for not adequately paying off and "illegally structuring bank transactions" surrounding an unfinished sexual abuse case. Hastert was first charged a year ago for making secret payments towards the first of his victims to come forward and sue him for molesting him in a motel room when the victim was 14. This week's trial was the first time Hastert admitted to molesting his students during his career as a high school wrestling coach in the '70s. Hastert said in his trial last Wednesday, "The thing I want to do today is say I'm sorry to those I hurt and misled." Hastert continued, "I mean, how was I supposed to know that 14 year old boys don't like being felt up by fat, gross, wrinkled old men?"

A judge decided to continue Judy Huth's 2014 sexual battery lawsuit against Bill Cosby this week, despite Cosby's attempt to dismiss the case. Huth claims that Cosby forced her to engage in a sexual interaction with him in 1974 at the Playboy mansion, while she was 15 years old. Cosby's lawyers contested the case, saying that Huth waited too long to sue Cosby, that the case was passed the statute of limitations. One of Cosby's lawyers was quoted saying, "That's the only thing we have, just let us have it."

Kentucky clerk Kim Davis' lawyer and president of the "religious" (cough) advocacy group Liberty Counsel Anita Staver called for a boycott of Target via Twitter this week. Target recently made a public statement allowing transgender customers and employees to use the bathroom that aligns with their gender orientation. Staver tweeted in response, "I'm taking a Glock .45 to the ladies room. It identifies as my bodyguard. #boycottTarget @Target." Her following tweets stated, "It's also my dildo, and my only friend."  

 

Utah's governor signed a resolution on April 19th that will increase pornography "education, prevention, research, and policy change." The resolution is intended to address porn as a societal issue, declaring it a "public health crisis." Utah state senator Todd Weiler, who co-wrote the resolution, said that he doesn't want to see pornography banned, he just wants to implement more internet default settings so porn is harder to access. Weiler called pornography, "a plague that's affecting children," adding, "They don't know it may actually consume their life." Upon making this statement, Weiler added, "Wait, did I say children? I meant me."