Stay tuned- "This Week in Sex" will be premiering as a sketch comedy show in Portland, Oregon at the end of summer 2017. "This Week" the blog will return late spring/early summer. 

He'd Also Make Good Chum

South Dakota Representative Mathew Wollmann is currently under investigation for engaging in sexual relationships with two legislative interns. Wollmann defended himself by saying that he thought they were older than 21 when he hooked up with one of them in 2015, and the other in 2016. Continued Wollmann, "I mean, I knew they watched Hannah Montana when they were kids, but I thought they were at least in middle school by the time the Best of Both Worlds Concert toured." 

Northwestern Medicine in Chicago hosted a symposium on January 25th to celebrate their one-year anniversary of their sex-inclusion policy. The National Institute of Health implemented this new policy, which mandates that researchers only get subsidized if they study both female and male species, when applicable. Scientists have held off from studying female cells in past decades because they were afraid that the male cells would get weird and threatened and try some power tripping bullshit. 

In the style of Republican presidents before him, president Fuckhead signed a bill this week that will ban U.S. funding to any overseas family planning organization that performs abortions, or even mentions abortion as an option. This ban has been called the "Mexico City Policy," as well as the "Global Gag Rule," because it makes people everywhere want to throw up and then get a margarita. 

According to a study of over 7,000 British women for the journal BJOG: An International Journal of Obstetrics Gynecology, roughly one in 10 women feel pain during intercourse. This disorder is called dyspareunia, and was found to most affect women in their late 50's and early 60's, followed by women aged between 16 and 24. Pain during sex was most often linked to vaginal dryness, anxiousness around intercourse, and the image of Donald Trump's puckered, wilting face. 

Texas state rep. Tony Tinderholt proposed a bill this week that would ban abortion at any stage. The bill would also amend Texas' penal code to permit women and providers who sought or administered abortions to be charged with murder. Tinderholt said in an interview with the Texas Observer, "Now, we both know that consenting adults don't always think smartly sometimes. But consenting adults need to also consider the repercussions of the sexual relationship that they're gonna have, which is a child." Tinderholt's belief that sex always leads to children stems from the fact that he was birthed in the Atlantic Ocean and is actually a fish.   

STATE REPRESENTATIVE TONY TINDERHOLT/FACEBOOK/Huffington Post

STATE REPRESENTATIVE TONY TINDERHOLT/FACEBOOK/Huffington Post

Sex Robots and Archbishops and Teen Cops, Oh No!

Glamour online posted an article this week about a sex robot conference at Goldsmiths University of London, which highlighted a few scary realities. One study presented at the conference found that 40 percent of straight men surveyed would buy a sex robot. Sex robots will be for sale within the year, and they have the potential to be the most deadly of all robots, as robot stamina will far surpass human stamina. "You don't say..." responded many, many, many women, stroking their chins. 

A deputy of the San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department was arrested for engaging in a sexual relationship with a minor, who was a scout in the department's "Explorer" program. The program is designed to teach and prepare teens for law enforcement careers. The girl was 17, and the deputy, Israel Ceballos, had been with the Department for 14 years, and was the program's "Explorer Coordinator." Ceballos defended himself by saying he wasn't sure who was supposed to do with coordinating, and who was supposed to do the exploring. 

Pope Francis has sent out a worldwide mandate that bishops everywhere must follow a zero tolerance policy for clergy who sexually abuse children. Francis has attempted to punish clergymen in the past; in 2015, he ordered the trial and defrocking of one Polish archbishop who had solicited a minor for sex in the Dominican Republic. Though this wasn't much of a punishment, as all the archbishop wanted was to be defrocked

D. Trump recently appointed Katy Talento to serve on his cabinet working on healthcare policy. Womens' rights activists are concerned about not only Talento's active involvement in anti-abortion groups and lawmaking, but her long-term, outspoken views against birth control. When asked in a recent survey, 80% of people believed that Talento is against birth control because no one will have sex with her.

Occidental college associate professor Lisa Wade's upcoming book, American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus, illustrates how college became a bastion of drugs, partying, entitlement and sex. In an article for TIME Magazine, Wade excerpts her book, talking about fraternities and college culture from before the 1900s: "Before the 1900s, fraternity men mostly had sex with prostitutes, poor women, and women they enslaved. One fraternity brother wrote to another in 1857, 'I did get one of the nicest pieces of ass some day or two ago.'" This is WILDLY different than modern day fraternity brothers because... because... uh, well... *cough*

Mission Aborted

Texas approved new laws this month that mandate women who undergo abortions to have a burial or cremation for the aborted fetal tissue, instead of being donated for science purposes, or sent to a sanitary landfill. Although pro-choice rights groups have already filed a lawsuit with the state of Texas, Texas is not the first state to require women to have a burial or cremation for their aborted fetal tissue; vice President-elect Mike Pence already put this rule into effect in Indiana last year. According to CNN, "Supporters say its purpose is to provide dignity for 'unborn infants.'" Though opponents of this rule argue that Mike Pence is an unborn infant whose soul was cremated earlier this year, and he still has no dignity. 

A number of women who have experienced sexual assault and rape have reportedly felt more withdrawn and less interested in sex as a consequence of this year's election. Said one woman named Ali interviewed for the Huffington Post, "[Trump's victory] resurfaced a lot of past trauma that I had experienced about seven years ago when I was sexually assaulted." Another woman told Huff Post about her relationship; "Since Trump's comment [about pussy grabbing], we've only had sex a couple of times." This problem had apparently fueled Trump's initial discarded campaign slogan- "Making vaginas dry since America was great again." 

Half-night stands are on the rise, especially among professional millennials. A half-night is when two people hook up, and the guest mutually leaves after sex, as opposed to staying the night. Tammy Nelson, a psychologist and author of The New Monogamy, suggests that the reason behind this trend could be that "women are expressing more sexual agency." Others believe that women don't want to stay the night because that guy had a bowl of pasta on his nightstand that was growing a cloud of mold spores larger than a grapefruit.   

A recently published study through Concordia Research in the Socioaffective Neuroscience and Psychology Journal found that the female orgasm is entirely different from the male orgasm, and has the potential to be far more complicated and intense, as opposed to prior belief. The study found that though every woman and every situation affects the type and level of intensity of a woman's orgasm, if you lick her neck, her back, her pussy AND her crack, then she'll bust all over your face and stuff.  

Though Texas just released a state-mandated booklet claiming women often become depressed and suicidal after they receive abortions, the journal JAMA Psychiatry recently found this to be completely false. Their 5-year study found that women who had undergone abortions were not at any greater risk of developing depression or anxiety. The study also found, contrarily, that women who were denied abortion access were at greater risk for depression, diminished self-esteem, and anxiety. Another study through the Guttmacher Institute has found an increase in depression and anxiety among educated women after reading these fucking news articles

Black Olives?

An Ohio woman recently was arrested by an undercover sting officer for offering him a sexual act in exchange for $60 and some nachos. The two met in the parking lot of Los Gallos Mexican Restaurant in Clairsville, Ohio on November 14th. However, the woman rescinded her offer when the undercover officer admitted there were no jalapenos, and the cheese had not, in fact, fully melted.  

A recent cyber hack exposed more than 412 million accounts from the Friend Finder Network, a "global relationship network." The majority of the hack happened with the company's flagship site, AdultFriendFinder.com, at 339 million accounts. The site claims to be the "world's largest sex and swinger community." It also claims to be 8 inches, soft.

A new online survey conducted by Harris Poll of over 2,000 adults found that nearly 40% of adults would be willing to give up sex for a year if it meant they would never have to worry about getting cyber hacked or having their identity stolen ever again. Within the survey, 33% of men said they would be willing to give up sex for a year, while 44% of women said they were willing. It was later discovered that the same 44% of women were hooking up with that 33%. 

Based on comments made by the progressive Democratic president Tsai Ing-Wen and bills currently moving through Taiwan's legislative system, Taiwan is set to the be the first country in Asia most likely to legalize same-sex marriage next year. This past May, Kaohsiung became the first Taiwanese city to register same-sex couples, and shortly afterwards began issuing same-sex "partnership cards." When asked for comment, President-Elect Donald Trump responded, "Tie what?"

Swedish prosecutors questioned Wikileaks founder Julian Assange about his rape accusation from six years ago on Monday. Assange is most recently known in the U.S. for revealing hundreds of Hillary Clinton's confidential e-mails right before the recent U.S. election. Assange refused to go to Sweden for prosecution, out of fear that he'd be extradited to the United States. In related news, Assange just took a shit in your bed and refuses to lie in it. 

Though China faces a "demographic crisis," the Chinese government still heavily fines any married couples who have more than two children, or single women who give birth. Law student Mary Chin who provided legal analysis for this report, stated, "Right now, a lot of single women and lesbians have to go to the United States to have a baby." "Not for long," murmured Mike Pence while reading this article, tapping his witch-claws against his oak desk made for him by one of his slaves.

A Very Special Episode, Featuring a Personalized Letter to Our Future President

As seen in an earlier "This Week," Australia's parliament recently sent through a plebiscite that would have asked Australians if the Marriage Act should be amended to allow gay couples to marry. On Monday, Australia's parliament rejected the bill. This bill would have most likely led to legalizing it, as 70% of Australians support gay marriage. However, in a poll taken on Wednesday, 70% of married gay Americans support moving to Australia.

A few of Bill Cosby's sexual assault victims have been working in Colorado, California, and Nevada to push through legislature that will extend the statute of limitations on sexual assault and rape. Beth Ferrier, who's been fighting for this in Colorado and was drugged and assaulted by Cosby in the mid-eighties, stated, "If I am going to be attached to him for the rest of my life, then I would like something good to come of it." Incidentally, this was an exact line from Melania's wedding vows. 

We interrupt "This Week" for a personal letter to our president-elect. Our regularly scheduled programming will return next week.

Dear Mr. Trump,

So- here we are. You did it. You must be feeling pretty good in that suit you probably didn't pay for.

I'd just like to say, fuck you. Fuck you for polarizing us; fuck you for convincing millions of disenfranchised Americans that you're the underdog; fuck you for giving angry idiots a voice. You are truly overcome with mental illness. It's too bad we don't have more social programming in our "big government" for a tyrannical, pathologically lying sack of expired Play-Doh such as yourself.

I'd like to remind you that we are not afraid of you, or your regime. You're a crappy tuxedo filled with the memory of overcooked meat, and you are not going to ruin our lives.

My generation, the current largest generation in the U.S., grew up with freedom and diversity, and we're going to fucking keep it that way. We were brought into a world where we celebrated our differences, recycled, and were in charge of our own genitalia. As little girls, we were taught we could be anything we wanted when we grew up; even president.

Women are now graduating college at a higher rate than men, and beginning to take over roles that have traditionally been granted to men. And our president is still a person of color, and a person of integrity. Progress is happening; you and your constituency are the reaction to the action.

I'd also like to say thank you. Thank you for bringing large communities of people together. Thank you for reminding those of us who don't constantly live in fear, who celebrate humanity, that we have each other. Thank you for unifying and emboldening all of us who feel empathy and compassion, and for reminding me that the most bigoted voice in the room is not necessarily the loudest. 

Progress will happen; the future of voters vote for equality, humanity, and government-funded social programs. We just have to wait for you and your constituency to die off, and after you repeal the Affordable Health Care Act, that shouldn't take too long. Hitler was met with shock, then acceptance- but we won't accept you. More than half of America and most of the world doesn't accept you. And we never will, because you stand for everything we know to be wrong, in every sense of the word.

So thank you, and fuck you. I am the only one who can govern my body and my life. You are not my president. 

Weiners and Losers

Richmond, Virginia mayoral candidate and ex-felon Joe Morrissey is in hot water (again) this week, as he was charged with exposing himself to a female client in his law office. When the client never responded to Morrissey's text requesting her to send "nude pics," Morrissey set her up with a different attorney and arranged a plea deal for her without her consent. Morrissey claims that a female attorney, Catherine Mullins, was in the office the whole time- she verified in an e-mail: "To my recollection, I was with her the entire time." The e-mail continued, "Of course, I did leave the office for 20 minutes because Morrissey kept asking me to 'salt the salami.'" 

In an on-air interview with Fox anchor Megan Kelly, Newt Gingrich accused Fox News of covering Trump's sexual assault allegations too extensively this week. Gingrich deflected Kelly's questions about Trump with the comment: "You are fascinated with sex and you don't care about public policy." This coincidentally was the same phrase that Gingrich's high school government teacher used to say to him whenever he caught Newt whacking it in the cafeteria.

Sydney, Australia's LiveWorks Festival of experimental art is going on this week, which includes an "Ecosexual bathhouse" this year. The bathhouse is an interactive installation, which highlights a new global trend- "Ecosexualism;" a movement intended to potentially save our ecosystem by connecting the Earth with sexuality. The only complaints from Ecosexuals thus far have been splinters, ineffective moss-based birth control, and bears. 

In an effort to gradually reduce woman's reproductive rights across the country, many (red) states are "quietly" adopting a new policy of mandating cremation or burial with aborted fetal tissue. This is thought by critics to be an attempt to make abortion even more expensive and difficult for women, as women who've undergone abortions would be paying upwards of $10,000 for burial, and $4,000 for cremation. Although this new policy is said to be a step up from Republican congressmen's previous proposed draft, which included just chucking the whole pregnant woman into the incinerator. 

Former congressman Anthony Weiner checked into a rehab center for sex addiction this week, after his most recent sexual misstep- sexting with a 15-year-old girl. Weiner sent her shirtless photos of himself, and texted highly graphic comments. When asked by CBS evening news in an interview, Anthony shrugged and responded, "I just wanted to Weiner over." 

This Month in Trump

Leaked footage of Donald Trump talking to TV host Billy Bush about how he hits on women went viral this month, saying that he's so famous he can be with any women he wants, all he has to do is "grab them by the pussy." The video also included Trump telling Bush about how he hit on a married woman once: "I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping." Trump continued, "Nothing gets bitches to suck on my nuts faster than a mahogany end table."

People magazine writer Natasha Soynoff has had six witnesses come forward to further her sexual assault case against Donald Trump. Soynoff claims in her People magazine article that Trump forced her against a wall and shoved his tongue down her throat during a photo shoot, while his pregnant wife Melania was upstairs changing. Trump has denied this claim, responding from his campaign trail, "She lies! Look at her, I don't think so." He then reportedly procured a shot of Fireball from the cleavage of an underage cheerleader, and sat down with Snidely Whiplash to plot the deaths of a thousand immigrants.

Following Trump's recent pussy grabbing comments, students and faculty at Connecticut college have a growing concern about campus sex crimes. Connecticut college is one of many that has made special efforts to combat the growing prevalence of sexual assault on college campuses; over 200 schools are currently under special investigation for campus sex crimes. Many students and faculty feel that Trump's comments will damage their effort to reduce sex crimes. Trump responded by offering free admission to Trump university for any students that don't feel safe; all they need to do is just get a little closer... that's it... let him at that thing...

Tensions are high for some of the women Trump has allegedly assaulted; one Palm Springs woman Mindy McGillivray is so afraid for her family's safety after accusing Trump of groping her in 2003 that she and her family plan to leave the country. "I call shotgun!" Responded America's women and minorities. 

Alabama senator and Trump surrogate Jeff Sessions was quick to defend Trump after his leaked, oozing viral video. In Sessions' interview with The Weekly Standard, he responded, "I don't characterize [Trump's comments] as sexual assault. I think that's a stretch." The Weekly Standard replied, "So if you grab a woman by the genitals, that's not sexual assault?" To which Sessions replied, "I don't know. It's not clear that he- how that would occur." Sessions then loosened his neck tie and said "B'deh B'deh B'deh that's all, folks!"

Ten women have now come forward to say that Donald Trump has sexually assaulted or harassed them. Trump biographer Harry Hurt III recently uncovered Ivana Trump's divorce deposition from the early '90s, which included recalling Ivana's account of when he had allegedly raped her. In Hurt's writings, he also recorded that Ivana "confided to female friends that Donald had difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection." "Erection or election?" Cackled Hillary, slapping her knee and taking another sip of dry vermouth. 

Michael Cohen, one of Donald Trump's attorneys, has been echoing Trump's defense in the news media- that Trump wouldn't be attracted to any of the ten women that have claimed Trump has sexually assaulted them. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... these aren't even women he'd be attracted to," Cohen said in an interview with Wolf Blitzer. He also backtracked; "I don't think it's relevant to the conversation at all." He continued, sweating, "Did I mention I'm a registered Democrat?" 

Do They Still Make the Sponge?

A study published in the journal BMJ Open recently revealed that high school-aged kids surveyed across ten different countries for the last 16 years were highly unsatisfied with their sex education classes. Some students in the study noted a time when their gym teacher, Ms. Plum, who unwillingly taught sex ed, was so uncomfortable with the material she was teaching that she cried during her presentation. Although some students are saying that was because she was recalling the time her and Mr. Plum were in the Conservatory with the rope.

A Chicago-area woman filed a lawsuit against the sex toy company "We-Vibe" this month, for extracting "personal data" from her Bluetooth vibrator without her consent. According to the lawsuit, data usage, date and time details, and even e-mail addresses of registered users for her Bluetooth device were sent to the company's Canadian servers without her consent. The president of the We-Vibe company claims that their data collection should be legally covered under the #YOLO Act of 2015. 

In the wake of the Brock Turner case, California governor Jerry Brown signed a piece of legislation that will mandate harsher sentencings for sex offenders, often including a minimum of three years in prison for sex offenders, and no probation for offenders if their victim was unconscious. However, Jerry Brown added that Donald Trump can receive parole after he fucks an unconscious America.

A new study conducted by the University of Florence in Italy, and published in the journal Frontiers in Physiology, showed that there may be a connection between increased sexual activity and improved athletic performance. This explains why the Olympic village in Rio was getting all sticky towards the end.  

An extensive study conducted by the University of Copenhagen interviewed over 1 million Danish women between the ages of 15 and 34, and discovered a link between the oral contraceptive pill and depression. "D'uh," responded all human females. 

Good For What Ailes Ya

Fox News' parent company settled Gretchen Carlson's lawsuit against Roger Ailes for $20 million this week. Carlson was a Fox News anchor for eleven years, and experienced consistent sexual harassment from Fox founder, ex-CEO and chairman Roger Ailes. She also recorded "between 6 and 10" meetings with Ailes where he made inappropriate, demeaning comments about having sex with her. Initially there was talk of Ailes paying a part of Carlson's settlement, but since then, Ailes' lawyer Susan Estrich has stated, "Mr. Ailes is not contributing anything." Estrich continued, "...To the world, to his marriage, nothing. He's just a wrinkly old baked potato with a penchant for evil and a constant hard on."

Stanford University rapist Brock Turner was released from less than three months of prison this week, and returned to his home state of Ohio to register as a sex offender. Turner was a university student and swimmer, who had sexually assaulted an unconscious girl on campus (as seen in an earlier 'This Week'). His case gained national notoriety when the victim's letter to him went viral, and he was only given a six-month long sentencing, though he was supposed to be facing 14 years. It was also later discovered by NBC News that his "jail time" turned out to be just a three month long pony ride. 

This week, The World Health Organization made a public advisory that travelers returning home from Zika virus-concentrated areas should either use condoms or abstain from sex for six months. The WHO said the advice applies to all travelers, not just people who exhibit Zika symptoms. Wyoming is the only US state that hasn't reported any cases of the Zika virus, so the WHO recommended that you head there if you just got back from Brazil and you really need to bareback that convenient store clerk from yesterday.  

India's culture minister Mahesh Sharma made a public statement this week, telling female travelers not to wear skirts when visiting India, so they won't be sexually assaulted. Sharms told reporters that visitors are given a "Do's and Don'ts" card when they arrive at an Indian airport; "Like what to do and what no to do. Small things. We tell them that: Don't venture out alone at night, don't wear skirts." He continued, "Also, we don't like it when women have thoughts, opinions, or bangs. And no one is allowed in the country with 'the Rachel' haircut."

Michigan State University published a study this week, that found that older women gain health benefits from having frequent, fulfilling sex, while older men don't. The study showed that older women found lower blood pressure and no negative side effects from frequent sex, while men between the ages of 57 and 85 were more than twice as likely to have a heart attack if they engaged in sex at least once a week. The study's leader, Hui Liu, said that men who have sex too often or too enjoyably are at a higher risk of heart complications. Liu recommended that men have 5 minutes of methodical starfish sex every Tuesday, followed by a glass of tepid milk with a Today Show segment.